Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."

Day 360 - The penultimate prayer strike blog

 

As the 25th December approaches and these prayer strike blogs wrap up (like a Christmas gift to the Almighty), I should probably reflect on the year.

It has been a difficult year. My metaphor has been that of swimming a river and the swimming has been arduous and full of obstacles. Much is not resolved and, although I had insisted to God that I wanted past prayers to be answered, he simply has not done that. I have felt extremely disappointed by that.

But at the start of these blogs, I wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year – my having not prayed (apart from some brief talks) for a year now. I am not an atheist. I still believe. I could, I suppose, have written some bold post about how I had decided to no longer be a believer – but what is the point of me doing so, if I still believe? I know that many people write of leaving the faith and I feel I understand now why they do so.

One day, I feel things will not be like this – I hope that they will get better for all of us. 

Grief is much harder than I thought it in the past. It is not quite like losing a tooth and always being aware of where that tooth used to be. That’s a bit too simplistic. Besides, tooth pain can go away. All of the anger and sadness and all of the rest can be overwhelming. I am not sure I am at a point where I can offer much advice – these blogs largely being an exploration of the way in which a grief has affected my faith, rather than the other, more practical things, like digital legacies etc.

I have, as I say, felt extremely disappointed with God. The anger has lessened, but is still there. I have been honest with God about this whenever I have briefly approached him in prayer.

It will never be the same.

I am not sure I have learned that much from it all. What was I supposed to learn? That grief is crap? That God lets you down? There may have been lessons (and there have certainly been tests), but I really am unsure of what on earth I am supposed to have discovered from all this. That God will not be manipulated? That there is little point in writing a year-long blog about it all? What am I supposed to say that could be helpful to anyone? 

So, the next blog will be the last one in this series and it will be written on Christmas day, providing I can carve out a little space to do so. Will I, or anyone else, look back on these blogs? I really do not know. Perhaps one thing I have learned is that our legacies, are not always what we might hope them to be.

It is almost Christmas and almost a year since my brother died. I should, I presume, practice what I preach and attempt to survive it...

Day 353 - Christmas losses

 

My brother was clearly not the only one to die on Christmas day...

James Brown, who recorded James Brown sings Christmas Songs and A Soulful Christmas, died of congestive heart failure on Christmas Day, 2006.

George Michael, singer of Last Christmas, reportedly died from a diseased heart on Christmas Day, 2016.

Dean Martin, singer of Christmas favourites such as Silver Bells and But Baby it’s Cold Outside, died of acute respiratory failure on Christmas Day, 1995.

Charlie Chaplin, star of The Kid, which is on many people’s Christmas favourite films list, died in his sleep on Christmas Day, 1977, following a stroke.

 

Although some deaths can be ironic, I don’t think Ad really made much Christmas related art – if he decided to paint something faith related, he usually focused on the crucifixion.

As a child, he liked Christmas, and although subjects of faith influenced his artwork, he didn’t focus too much on the birth of Christ. He always said that he wondered what had happened in Christ’s childhood and talked about some of the apocrypha which went into this.

Surviving Christmas is absolutely a thing. The trouble is that the winter months really are bad for us, and, statistically, we are much more likely to leave this earth during this time.

I got the news that Ad died at 7.14pm last Christmas from his partner. ‘He’s just gone’, she wrote. I had to tell other people. If there is one thing I do not like to do – it is to bring bad news.

There will be two more of these prayer strike blogs. If I get the chance, I will post on Christmas day. I’m not sure anyone will read it, but it will be here as a record.

In the meantime – make sure you survive this Christmas. It is what the loved ones we no longer have with us would have wanted.

I am still in very occasional talks with God, but the prayer strike largely continues. I’m not sure I have planned beyond this point. There will be two more prayer strike blogs here, one next week and one on 25th December.

I miss my brother so very much.

Day 346 - Talks

 

I’ve prayed a little more. It is largely from a feeling of compulsion and a sense that God will not be manipulated (and certainly will not be publicly manipulated). I figure it is probably self-defeating to carry on with these blogs. Because even if I got my prayers suddenly answered, it would set some kind of spiritual precedent and soon anyone who read any of this would be ceasing from prayer until God capitulated. And I’m guessing that isn’t allowed by Heaven.

But I will keep writing weekly here until xmas, if only to have a record of this year and the way in which grief has had an influence on the remains of my faith. As I say, I do still believe, but I am very unhappy with the way things have gone. This year has been so difficult… so hard. Kind people keep telling me that things will get better with time. That is always helpful and appreciated. So far, I’ve been to three funerals this year, including my brother’s. I don’t want to go to any more for a while. I really do not like funerals anyway. I fail to see how they help most people to process their grief. I would be happy not to have a funeral when I die. I think it would spare people a lot of unnecessary hassle. But society is such that it is expected.

Inevitably, I’ve been thinking about death a lot this year. Hot on the heels of the pandemic, it is very hard not to. As I say, I’m brave enough to admit being afraid of death. I wish i didn’t think of it so often because it doesn’t help much. There are so many reminders of it though that it is hard not to. We should think of angels and things like that... After all, you would think angels would be kind and gentle, wouldn't you? Unlike the angel of death - Azrael, or whoever it is supposed to be.

Sorry, I guess I’m reminding you of death too now.

I’m sitting writing this in the building of my workplace. It is a huge building, kind of metallic with a lot of ducts, like something out of Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil'. I don’t mind the place so much now, although it can be a bit clinical and impersonal. As ever, educational buildings just get bigger and bigger the older you get. The Christmas decorations here have been up for a while. Notably, a picture of Russell Brand got replaced by a Christmas tree in quite an impressive piece of airbrushing, following the recent accusations.

By the 40ft Christmas tree, which has no tinsel, just huge baubles and lights, there are two Christmassy toy nutcracker soldiers, standing like giants. I don’t mind them so much and they are here every year. They remind me of Hans Christian Anderson's tale of the steadfast tin soldier. That’s actually quite an interesting story because, in it, the protagonist doesn’t actually do anything at all (apart from not running away). Things just happen to him. The soldier isn’t very proactive. But maybe there is something to be said for keeping your position, neither retreating or advancing.

 

I think the main thing is just to say that yes, I have been praying a little. Nothing much has happened as a result. Maybe I’ve just got to keep my place for now? At least until the 25th December…