Day 360 - The penultimate prayer strike blog

 

As the 25th December approaches and these prayer strike blogs wrap up (like a Christmas gift to the Almighty), I should probably reflect on the year.

It has been a difficult year. My metaphor has been that of swimming a river and the swimming has been arduous and full of obstacles. Much is not resolved and, although I had insisted to God that I wanted past prayers to be answered, he simply has not done that. I have felt extremely disappointed by that.

But at the start of these blogs, I wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year – my having not prayed (apart from some brief talks) for a year now. I am not an atheist. I still believe. I could, I suppose, have written some bold post about how I had decided to no longer be a believer – but what is the point of me doing so, if I still believe? I know that many people write of leaving the faith and I feel I understand now why they do so.

One day, I feel things will not be like this – I hope that they will get better for all of us. 

Grief is much harder than I thought it in the past. It is not quite like losing a tooth and always being aware of where that tooth used to be. That’s a bit too simplistic. Besides, tooth pain can go away. All of the anger and sadness and all of the rest can be overwhelming. I am not sure I am at a point where I can offer much advice – these blogs largely being an exploration of the way in which a grief has affected my faith, rather than the other, more practical things, like digital legacies etc.

I have, as I say, felt extremely disappointed with God. The anger has lessened, but is still there. I have been honest with God about this whenever I have briefly approached him in prayer.

It will never be the same.

I am not sure I have learned that much from it all. What was I supposed to learn? That grief is crap? That God lets you down? There may have been lessons (and there have certainly been tests), but I really am unsure of what on earth I am supposed to have discovered from all this. That God will not be manipulated? That there is little point in writing a year-long blog about it all? What am I supposed to say that could be helpful to anyone? 

So, the next blog will be the last one in this series and it will be written on Christmas day, providing I can carve out a little space to do so. Will I, or anyone else, look back on these blogs? I really do not know. Perhaps one thing I have learned is that our legacies, are not always what we might hope them to be.

It is almost Christmas and almost a year since my brother died. I should, I presume, practice what I preach and attempt to survive it...