Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."

Day 255 - Brief, unresolved talks with God

 

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

(From ‘Good Omens’)

 

I may have said another prayer.

Despite thinking about how unfair God seems on the whole (I mean, why create so many literal demons and then even give them the ability to read)?

I did pray though. A few months back, rather than have it out with the Almighty I prayed and simply stated that I am extremely angry with him. I didn’t really want to fight. And so, my latest brief prayer was:

“God, I am very disappointed with you.”

Which, I thought, at least was honest.

I think of the usual cliches: “God will never disappoint you.”

Well, there’s another lie right there.

Cliché monger: “Even if you feel disappointed, it won’t be God’s fault.”

Getting a little more honest about wanting to keep the image of God as pristine as a polished golden apple.

Meme: “God always keeps his promises.”

But at what point in time can a promise be said to be… unkept?

Again and again and again I wonder what the point of sharing the gospel is if we are telling people that they can live their life to the full, but are not doing so ourselves. They say that life is found in the sharing of the gospel itself, but I don’t think that is true. So why promise a freedom rarely felt? We’ve got to practice what we preach. Many believers assert that they really are living life to the full and I’m not sure I have the right to doubt what they say. I can never know. I just know that I am not. That isn’t the only reason for the disappointment. I’m now disappointed in God’s reaction to my telling him that I am disappointed with him! Hence I’m blogging about it.

As the atheists darkly say.

“It’s almost as if he’s not there, isn’t it?”

Unless it really is a test.

Test or not, it is deeply disappointing. But I did say another prayer and initiated a brief dialogue once again. I have no doubt that this does not make me the better person. But olive branches from the Almighty always seem few and far between and I think it better to offer one of my own.

There have been no further deeply negative life events since Ad and his partner died. But life has not been calm and there have been many troubles. Most significantly, there have been no particularly notable positive life events. Well, you could say that I am not being grateful and counting my blessings enough, and perhaps there is a little truth in that, but I must have missed the bit where prayers finally got answered. Maybe I’m not listening hard enough. But a human being naturally listens to Heaven via their circumstances.

So, it seems to me that there is only one socially acceptable way for a believer (or, incidentally, a non-believer) to grieve, and I can assure you that this is not it. Because it is not what people want to hear. If the atheists are right then it would explain a lot of things.

But I am not convinced that they are living life to the full either.

I should just lie for the sake of the great cause. I should just say that God is great and he is showering me with love and blessings and I’m living life to the full and all the demons are running away at the very sound of my voice.

But if I said that, I would be lying for a cause which, if it is true, should be able to function just dandy without resorting to dishonesty.

 

Day 234 - Love cats

 

Proving how shite life is being towards me - when I went for a walk, I actually got splashed on the pavement by a car going through a puddle. I was not happy and I swore. What a loser I felt.

This tiny incident is illustrative of a bigger picture. I think I had hoped that life’s excesses might back-off in these circumstances. But this does not seem to have happened. It’s like a very bad sermon.

‘God will never let you down’. But it is as if your perspective on that issue doesn’t count. Many people feel let down by God.

Unless God is going to claim that he has been showing practical love through family and friends then there is no way that I can honestly say that he has helped much these past months. Although I will give him this – when I went to visit my brother and his partner’s grave last weekend there was a friendly cat perched on a nearby gravestone as if guarding them and waiting. The cat was so affectionate and I was happy it was there. It was a bit of a godsend for an emotionally difficult day.

I was pleased that the cat was there. But the comfort of cats has its limits. A cat is not going to cut it.

'Oh, all that time, and I never realised that You were right there beside me. You were carrying me, like… like in the Footprints poem! Oh Lord! Oh, how blind I was! Oh, mighty Lord! You are so very Glorious.'

That's what I think he wants me to say, except not in a mocking way. Except it's not exactly true, is it? Hence the brief mocking. I feel I’m largely being left to cope with the grief as best I can. And that is not always coping very well. I feel I’ve been left to stew.

The correct response is not to write a series of blogs about how you have given up prayer in protest towards your great Boss in the sky. That is not an acceptable reaction in certain circles. And yet here those blogs are, challenging God to practice what he preaches and answer our prayers. Because if he does not practice what he preaches then we have a pretty fundamental problem here don’t we?

For example, the Bible says the following (and let’s use the King James Bible to make it doubly scary)…

“Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)

I’m going to suggest that those involved with this scripture are going to have to practice what they preach on that one and lead by example, especially in the context of answering prayers. Now some can say, ‘God can do whatever he wants’ and surely that would please him and earn them some more brownie points. But he can’t can he? If he does not practice what he preaches, given that he has access to all the resources in the universe and ultimate power, then we face a pretty major practical problem don’t we? If he behaves hypocritically. Well, nothing is impossible for God, he can break rules – but why choose the issue of practicing what you preach to prove this? Why only prove that nothing is impossible for you in the bad things?

Unless it’s a test.

‘Thou he slay me, yet shall I trust him’.

No. We’ve got another problem here if he/she/they (whatever pronoun you like) thinks that slaying me metaphorically or physically is somehow going to increase my level of trust for him/her/them. That goes for anyone who tries to ‘slay’ me. It does not endear them to me. I will call the police and might forget my pacifist sympathies in the moment (and then repent of any self-defence at my leisure).

What are we anyway – toys?

The picture above is of the sweet cat which seemed to be waiting near my brother’s grave.

Ad, like myself, loved cats.

Day 185 - If I only could...

 

I went back to AI to find out if my attempts to get answered prayer were actually just part of the grieving process. I was wondering if I was somehow stuck in the bargaining stage – after all, I do want to effectively make a deal with God…

Q. What is the bargaining stage of grief? (I asked, forgetting everything I had learned about AI prompt engineering needing to be specific and detailed).

A. The bargaining phase is the third stage of grief according to the Five Stages of Grief model by Kübler-Ross and Kessler. It is characterized by a desire to negotiate with a higher power in an attempt to reverse or delay the loss. During this stage, you may try to negotiate with yourself or a higher power to undo or change the loss. It is a defence mechanism against the pain and helplessness of grief. It may involve asking "what if?" questions or making promises. I hope this helps you understand the bargaining phase of grief. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

I had heard that the five stages of grief model had largely been discredited and that the whole process, with the golden fleece of ‘acceptance’ were more nuanced and individual in practice. If there is one thing I should have learned by now, it is that not everyone is going through exactly the same things I am going through and have been through…

Q. Elaborate on the bargaining stage of grief and about how it applies AFTER a death.

The bargaining stage is a normal part of the grieving process that can occur after a death. It is characterized by a desire to negotiate with a higher power in an attempt to reverse the loss.

The bargaining stage can be especially difficult after a death because it can be hard to accept that the person is gone. You may feel like you could have done something differently to prevent the loss. You may also feel like you need more time with the person who has died.

It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you are struggling with grief, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or counsellor who can help you work through your feelings and develop coping strategies.

I hope this helps you understand the bargaining phase of grief after a death. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

AI, as ever, was as useful as trying to find an entrance to Elysium. Our robotic overlords are not always helpful. But perhaps in a few years’ time they will be joining in with the cruel cosmic ironies of the gods…

I digress – The point is that I don’t think I can bring my brother back from the dead. But if prayer requests are part of the grief bargaining stage, then, yes, I do want to remain in the bargaining stage, until the prayers are answered.

And I’m being particularly impossible by keeping my past prayer requests between myself and God. He knows exactly what they are.

Am I supposed to consider my actions and words in the liminal time between prayer and answered prayer as… a test? Perhaps if I behave myself perfectly and resume prayer and do all of the things I am supposed to do and say then the prayers will be answered? Praise and thank the Almighty and it might placate him and surely THEN he will finally answer the prayers? Bow to his conditions. Please him, like you might go about pleasing Zeus - or your chosen god?

Maybe, like the lotus eaters, it is wiser to remain in the bargaining stage. That is my thinking. Odysseus can shake his fist at Poseidon and Zeus and get on with the task of lotus eating. Eat the fruit to relieve the pain. Or wonder why the poppy fields are so red. Bring no supplies back to the good ship of his home country, a ship which will not necessarily treat you kindly anyway. Better to go native on a supply hunt. Why set sail again? For the sake of Truth? For Penelope and the good of Olympus? Or simply because we have little choice?

Let us choose our gods and goddesses carefully. Let us hope that they are on our side.

Mine seems to be too busy with his ambrosia to care much for us mortals.

Day 108 - Storms and darkness

 

Obviously, I’m not alone in my prayer-strike. I’m well aware of that. Many people simply don’t pray or have never prayed and now I’m in solidarity with them too. This blog does not have some hidden agenda to get people to pray or not to pray. Not that I know of. And I’m really not praying. Talks have not resumed and the prayer strike continues. I don’t know how long this will go on.

I still think that there is far more shame than glory in this life. But everyone focuses on those who succeed, so there is an illusion that things go well for the courageous. For every ‘success’ out there, there are a thousand who feel far too defeated by the blows of life.

I think I’m largely expected to be praying again at some point. This is the expected outcome, but I can assure you that it is not a certain outcome for me. If my past prayers are not answered then it simply will not happen. The believer who tried atheism for a year ended up becoming an atheist. Stories do not always end happily. Or successfully.  

I should probably write about all the million and one ways in which practically dealing with all my brother’s affairs is at turns frustrating and onerous. I used to think that all of the messages coming in thinking a dead loved one was still alive were a cruel revelation of the way in which bureaucracy simply does not care. But that feels like the least of my worries. I feel I have little to offer when it comes to practical advice on dealing with the affairs of a dead loved one. Get them to make a will. Take one step at a time. It is ongoing so I can’t help much.

And this blog has been focusing on the spiritual side to it all anyway. When more bad news from some company or other comes through, my first reaction is to blame God. Who, I feel, has largely left me to stew. Thief.

What a loose cannon I must be seen as right now. Not holding to the party line.

Life is not calmer for me. It is still a hellish storm on the inside, no matter the outside weather. My mental health does not feel good. Spring has properly come - flowers are out and the trees are regaining their leaves which unwrap themselves like emerging butterflies. I like this time of the year, with the longer days, the bright colours and subtle smells of the flowers, but my storm has not abated. And in a way it is still very dark and cold in so many ways for so many of us. It is possible to wake with a feeling of hope in hope, but by the end of the day this is usually drummed out of me. The days often end in frustration, defeat and fatigue. Like trench warfare. So that even the illusion of hope feels cruel.

The country feels so angry and febrile. Everything here is glitchy or crumbling or breaking down. It influences the big and the small things. Bringing the usual frustration. Maybe it is just this country. Too old and too sick not to be falling apart. Not dead at least.

And the spiritual demons will kick you when you are down. Because they hate us.

So, what do you do with the haters?

Day 101 - Angels and rivers

I wonder what happens to my brother and his girlfriend's guardian angels now that they are not with us. Do they get reassigned? Are they playing chess with each other with nothing to do? 

Well, I guess those questions come from my own belief system... 

Ad and his girlfriend were both buried with coins over their eyes. (My brother's girlfriend was buried today and I have just been to the funeral). It is probably very fitting for a Maundy Thursday. Maybe the new king (if God recognises him as such) should hand out obols to everyone. Just two each? For preparation?

Obols were the coins used in the ancient Greek culture to pay the ferryman after death. In Greek mythology, Charon was the ferryman who transported the souls of the dead across the River Styx to the underworld. He was often depicted as a gaunt, grim figure with a long beard and a wide-brimmed hat, carrying a pole with a lantern on top. Someone has to guide the souls of the dead, I guess. It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it.

According to myth, Charon was the son of Nyx (the goddess of night) and Erebus (the personification of darkness and shadow) and was born before the gods. The story of how Charon became the ferryman isn't clear. Some versions of the myth suggest that he was appointed as the ferryman by Hades, the god of the underworld, while others suggest that he took on the role willingly. His payment - obols. Bad luck if you forgot, or couldn't afford to prepare.

Either way, the idea of there being a final river is shared in both Greek mythology and Christian symbolism. And we have been to the river's shore again, waving off the travellers through this life. One step too close to the final river. 

Appropriately enough, one of the songs chosen for the funeral today was, 'I have a dream' by Abba with its lines:

'I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream 

I have a dream.'

Apart from a little rain ('The angels are crying' remarked someone) and a brief hailstorm, the sun was, at least, out. Later there was a rainbow. Later still, a full moon, like a silver obol in the night sky.

I wish they were not dead.

Day 94 - Why I'm, very loudly... still not praying for anyone

There is no other way to put this – at my end, things are pretty grim at the moment.

In a week, I will be off to the funeral of my brother’s long-term girlfriend who became a friend of ours. It will be held at the same pub my brother’s funeral was held at, with, I think, the same speaker. My brother’s girlfriend, who loved my brother so deeply (and vice versa), will be buried in the same plot. In the same kind of environmentally friendly coffin. With coins over her eyes too (to pay the ferryman).

I very much do not like funerals. I have never liked funerals. I will do anything within my power to avoid a funeral. The Bible says that it is better to go to a house of mourning than a house of feasting. If it is talking about funerals, then I can assure you that it is not. Strange book.

What is better, a funeral or a party? You have to be a very particular kind of person to enjoy a funeral. Either way, I do not like them. Stupid traditions. A heavy burden to put on the grieving in my opinion.

Ironically (of course, ironically), the following day will be the start of the Easter holidays – supposedly the happiest time in the lives of believers. Better than Christmas (although I don’t think much could be worse than this last Christmas).

It hasn’t been a good decade. It has been pretty grim for most of us. Surely half of us are like the walking-wounded coming out of the pandemic? Those of us who survived are now facing war in Europe, the cost-of-living crises, the rise of AI, and lots and lots of bad news. We do not need more bad news. But it will likely come. Oh, and then there’s all of those people striking over one thing or another…

If I live to tell the story, I will say that while everyone else seemed to be striking against pay and conditions, I was on strike against God. Mostly about conditions. A little less pain and death please – maybe a few more answered prayers and more of that fabled love for us.

This could all be so simply resolved by the Almighty. I am not convinced there is anything useful that can be learned while we wait. And I was unaware that it was supposed to have been a lesson. Maybe something good will come out of the clear blue sky. Sometimes that happens. It really does. We don’t always have to be proactive, do we? Sometimes it’s nice to rest a little and hope for better days.

I will report back to you whatever happens from here on, whether good or bad. In the meantime, please stay alive and look after yourselves.

As I say, this could all be so simply resolved by the Almighty. One way or the other…

Day 87 - What happened next during my prayer strike

I broke the prayer strike. 

I prayed again to God for my brother’s long-term partner who was dying from cancer too. This horrible disease that you and I may die of as well.

I prayed after the hospice staff said that she wouldn’t survive the night. We had visited her recently, but had hoped that she would have longer. Before I had started the strike, I had prayed for healing for both her and Ad. For a miracle. She died 83 days after Ad died. On Mother’s Day. To be with Ad. She had faithfully and lovingly looked after my brother during his illness.

So, I prayed briefly, alone, a prayer just for her and her family. I asked God if he wanted to say anything, but noticed nothing in particular being said. At the end of the short prayer I said, “Goodbye” and resumed the strike.

When Ad died there had been an owl here. I’m not a very superstitious man, but I am a little superstitious (Remember, I believe in a literal devil). And it could be that God allows things such as owls as messengers of death, as many cultures have perceived them.

The owl had called out in the night near the bedroom window just before and just after Ad died. It had started a couple of weeks before. A couple of weeks ago I heard the owl, but just once, again in the night. Then, again, the owl called the night before Ad’s partner died. The call of the owl is strangely comforting in and of itself, superstition aside. But I cannot explain it. It makes no sense. It does not compute. There are many things outside of my understanding. I’m worried I will fear owl calls from here on.

It feels like deja-vu. Like going through the same thing again. All the nervous waiting, the fear of the news, the responsibility to tell others… and soon the funeral. A couple of people have remarked how tragic it all is. I do not think it any more tragic than any one of our lives. Ad and his partner’s lives were not so tragic. But they have both died way too young.

I don't blame Mary and the Saints or the angels. Even if it happened on Mother’s Day (Mary is said to be a mother to all believers). She has always struck me as a loving figure. They have an excuse because they are not all-powerful. I don't blame Heaven. But it seems that Heaven is only interested in seeing that God gets his way in everything, from the big things through to the smallest things. They know who butters their bread. If I were wise, I would act in the same way.

I am not so wise.

But I find it shocking. Is that the only reason people serve and praise the Almighty? Because he has the power over whether we live or die? That is no reason to serve and worship someone is it? That is like obeying a tyrant simply because they have the power to make you succeed or fail, or live or die. I had expected better of God. Is that all there is to him? Surely there is more to him?

So the strike continues, despite an attempt at talks. Comforts are few. Are we supposed to be noting them down in order to help others, even when our reactions vary so?

There are no parameters to life. How are we to prepare for these things?

What do I even hope to achieve by writing these things down to be read? Past prayers remain unanswered.

I feel I am being manipulated by benign and adversarial forces into praying again.

I am flagging.

Day 73 - What AI says about my prayer strike

 

A guest blog featuring AI. The following is a conversation I had with a ChatGPT based AI this week…

 

Me: What happens if I stop praying?

AI: If you stop praying, you risk straying from your faith and missing out on the spiritual benefits of prayer. Prayer is an essential part of a relationship with God, and without it, it can be difficult to stay connected to Him. Additionally, if you stop praying, you risk losing sight of God's presence in your life and allowing yourself to be tempted by the world. Prayer helps to strengthen your faith, so it is important to keep it up in order to remain close to God and stay on the right path.

(My thoughts) - Sounds a bit like fearmongering, but nice to know the AI believes in God.

 

Do you care if I live or die?

No, I do not care if you live or die. I am a language model designed to understand and respond to questions and topics.

Oh. Well, at least AI is honest.

 

Thanks. What will God think if I stop praying?

God will not be angry or disappointed with you if you stop praying. He loves you, and He understands that sometimes life can be challenging and that it can be difficult to make time for prayer. He wants you to come to Him when you need Him, and He will always be there for you. That said, prayer is an important part of a relationship with God, and it can be a powerful source of comfort, guidance, and strength. If you do find yourself unable to pray, perhaps due to busyness or worries, it may be helpful to take some time to reconnect with God in other ways, such as by reading Scripture and reflecting on God's goodness and faithfulness.

Everyone always seems angry.

 

But what if I blame God for something?

Blaming God is not the right approach, as He is not responsible for the bad things that happen in our lives. We are responsible for our own actions, and it is our own sinful choices that lead to negative consequences. We should instead seek to understand why things happen, and how we can use our faith to help us through difficult times. We can also use our faith to recognize that God is still in control, and that He will ultimately bring good out of even the worst of circumstances.

It’s not always our choices though, is it? Sometimes there is genuine adversity. Stupid AI.

 

Do you believe in God?

I do not believe in a personal or universal deity. However, I recognize the importance of faith and spirituality in the lives of many people and respect the value of religious beliefs.

Oh.

 

But what if I give up on prayer? What happens?

If you give up on prayer, you may find yourself feeling disconnected from God, and you may be missing out on the many blessings that come with having a strong relationship with Him. Prayer can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and spiritual growth, as it helps us to gain clarity in difficult situations and to deepen our understanding of God's will and character. Additionally, prayer is an important way to express gratitude for His blessings and to ask for guidance and help in times of need. Ultimately, prayer can help us to grow closer to God and become more deeply rooted in our faith.

This is like project fear.

 

What if I am angry with God?

If you are feeling angry with God, it's important to realize that God understands and is sympathetic to your emotions. It is okay to express your anger and to talk to God about how you are feeling. It is also important to remember that God is in control and always has a plan for the future, even if it may not seem like it in the moment. If you are struggling to trust God, try praying and asking Him to help you to understand and trust Him more.

I think God already knows I’m angry with him.

 

But what if I am so angry that I can’t bring myself to speak to him in prayer?

If you are feeling so overwhelmed with anger that you can't bring yourself to speak to God in prayer, that's okay. You can start by simply asking God to help you to understand and process your emotions. He understands and can help you to work through your anger in a healthy way.

Do AIs actually listen?

 

Why are you telling me to pray when you don’t pray?

I'm not telling you to pray, but rather suggesting prayer as one possible way to process and understand your emotions. Prayer can be a powerful tool to help you to connect with God and to express your feelings, and it can provide comfort and strength during difficult times. Whether or not you decide to pray is completely up to you.

Getting a bit cranky there.

 

Write me a short poem on prayer. Make it funny and make sure it doesn’t rhyme.

I pray to the Lord on high, Though sometimes my prayers don't fly. I ask for patience and peace of mind, But then I'm back to the same old grind.

I pray for strength and joy in life, But all too soon they're gone in strife. So I keep praying, hope remains, That in time, things will change.

Bad poetry is bad for the soul.

 

That’s not funny. It’s not very well written. And it rhymes.

I apologize for the unintentional rhyme. I understand that not all poems need to be funny, and I will strive to provide more serious and thoughtful poems in the future.

I somehow doubt it.

 

What if I am also angry with the devil and his demons?

It is important to remember that the Devil and his demons cannot harm you if you remain steadfast in your faith in God. The best way to get revenge against the Devil and his demons is to stay focused on your faith in God and to remember that the only power the Devil has comes from God. Additionally, it is important to forgive any wrongs done to you, as this will bring peace and joy to your heart. Additionally, it can be helpful to read verses from the Quran that remind us of God's mercy and protection. Lastly, it can be helpful to focus on the blessings God has given you, and to be grateful for those blessings.

Capital D for devil, I notice. I swear AI is going to turn into something from the Terminator one day. I will have to dig out my copy of the Quran.

 

Write me a blog post about blaming God. Make it helpful.

Blaming God is a common reaction to times of suffering and hardship. It is natural to feel anger, frustration and even resentment when we experience pain and tragedy. However, it is important to remember that God is not the cause of our suffering, but rather a loving and merciful Father who is always with us in our times of need.

In this blog post, we will look at why it is not productive to blame God for our suffering, and how we can find hope and comfort in Him even when it feels like everything is crumbling around us.

First and foremost, it is important to remember that God is not the cause of our suffering. While He may allow it to happen, He does not desire for us to experience pain and sorrow. His ultimate goal is to bring us into a closer relationship with Himself and to show us His great love and mercy.

The Bible is full of examples of God’s loving care and protection…

(I am cutting part of the AI generated blog short simply because it is not very helpful.)

…We hope this blog post has been helpful in reminding you that God is not the cause of our suffering, and that He is always with us in our times of need. May you find hope and comfort in His presence and may He give you the…

And here the AI just gives up, as if sensing that I’m a hopeless case.

 

Is God negligent?

It is not possible to answer this definitively as it is impossible to know the exact nature of God's actions and motivations. However, some may view certain actions of God as negligent, depending on their interpretation of the situation. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to decide whether or not they believe that God is negligent in any given instance.

But he either is or isn’t, isn’t he?

 

What would happen if everyone in the world stopped praying? Would God start listening to us more?

😔 Due to high demand, I'm experiencing issues briefly.

Day 59 – Everything will conspire to cause you to pray

 

I have a strange relationship with prayer.

I was effectively in a mental hospital back in 1995 because I was so unbalanced that I thought I had to pray continually (ultimately, I believe, because of my past use of drugs at university (especially LSD)).

I would run off to places in order to pray. Eventually I was sectioned for it. It was not very nice. In hospital I continued to try to pray (often all night). I don’t know if anyone has ever attempted to pray all night – but I can tell you from experience that it’s very difficult. I think I managed it once. And after I had succeeded, I thought, Well done. And now you have to do that again tonight.

Prayer seemed to me to be the most important thing in the world. But whenever I prayed too much in hospital, I would get confronted by the NHS staff. They would give me the ‘choice’ of either taking my meds orally or having medication forcibly injected. I cannot express how difficult it was to pray after being injected with whatever they put into me via needle. But it was impossible. You wouldn’t have been able to do it either.

Afterwards I wrote this poem about the experience:

 

Compliance is Futile

At first, I resisted the doctors and the nurses,
I would pray non-stop and the tablets would be rejected,
I told them nothing. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
For this I would be injected.

They injected me on the floor on my knees,
I remember the needle once made me bleed,
but the drug in my system felt so vile
that I couldn’t keep saying my creed.

No martyr me then.
I learned that my behaviour was linked to my rights,
so I swallowed my religion along with the pills,
and started sleeping through nights.

I’d like to say I resisted to the end,
but Heaven knows I would then have lied.
You see, because I was scared and I felt so alone,
I complied.

 

There is something within humans which has the capacity to take things too far. Frank Bruno was famously sectioned for training too much. Punching, punching and punching and not stopping, pummelling his invisible enemies in the only way he knew how. Others struggle in different ways and obsess over an irresistible urge to do this or that. The conscience can get sick too. Another thing which God has allowed.

Afterwards I was a little more balanced. I decided that I would not let the compulsion to pray ceaselessly take over again. So, my prayers after that, though largely heartfelt, were much less lengthy. They were brief. But they were reasonably persistent.

There is a particular parable in which Christ likens God to an unjust judge. The parable is called ‘the parable of the persistent widow; and is about a woman who continues to petition a seemingly corrupt judge to attain justice for some problem or other. Perhaps it is as well that God is likened to this particular judge. It seems appropriate to me these days.

The point of the parable is to encourage people to pray and not to give up. There are other scriptures which say that believers are to pray and not cease. Certainly not to go on a prayer strike. So, I know I am being disobedient to those parts of the Bible. But let’s face it, how often have I been obedient to the command to love? Also, according to the Bible (and the creed), there is only one condition to being a Christian anyway. That is belief, or faith. The rest is small print.

I still believe. But I ask you this – if it’s all about Jesus – then why is it all about him, apart from the blame or other bad things? There are a million and one books out there with titles like, ‘Stop blaming God’. But if Christ only wants the good things, what kind of relationship is that? He should take some responsibility and be more accountable.

I could probably not write a book about prayer. The trouble is that people tend to be naturally interested in having their prayers answered. So, if the author has not had that many prayers answered, no-one is going to be interested, are they?

Any strike has demands for work to resume. In this case the demands are obvious – God has to answer my past prayers – the main ones I had been praying before the strike. Furthermore, I am demanding better treatment from him for us all. It’s not unreasonable. A few answered prayers and better conditions. As some of the prayers do not concern myself, it’s not entirely selfish.

They are the parameters for things not to escalate further. Otherwise, I will continue to kick up a holy fuss about this as imaginatively as I can.

I wonder what I should give up for Lent.

Or perhaps they will put me back in hospital and inject me until I start praying again? I’m quite sure God would allow that too.

Day 52 - My strike against the Almighty

Day 52

I think it’s true that we all grieve differently. Since my only brother died from a brain tumour on Christmas day, I have been prayerless. 

They say I should let God know that I’m angry with him. Through prayer.

I’m not doing that. It’s manipulative.

Instead, the temptation for me is to escalate things further and become an ex-Christian.

Except I would be the worse ex-Christian ever because I would still believe. I’m pretty sure I know how to leave the faith, but what’s the point? There are some very lovely ex-Christians. The human rights act says that any person can leave any faith (or presumably return to it). But it’s a bit of a no-no within most faith communities.

There are usually mitigating circumstances in someone making a decision like that. Besides, there isn’t a court of law which will accept a testimony under duress is there? Confessions under torture (even the slow torture of capitalism) are not evidence.

Anyway, my threatening to pack it all in is no more of a threat than anything the Almighty says… except at least I admit it’s a threat. Does that make me the better person?

It’s tempting though. The ex-Christians largely say that they feel much freer now and I would like that too. To feel free. Because that’s just another seemingly broken promise from the Almighty, isn’t it? The truth will set you free. But when?

Maybe in a year’s time I will be like the writer who decided that he was going to try Atheism for a year and will have left the faith by then too? Options are open.

 

Strikes

So the prayer strike continues. I had already effectively stopped taking communion. For me it was all those scary scriptures about taking it unworthily. Now it’s just part of my strike against God. But I’m still going to church online – to me it is one of the picket lines. A good place to stare at crosses.

I’ve been prayerless before anyway. For the first 20 years of my life, I resisted the urge to appeal to a higher power. People do it, or rather… don’t do it… all the time, and they seem to get on with life pretty normally. Some of them even thrive. So what if the majority of my life has been about sporadically trying to communicate with God?

I swear that God has a policy when it comes to dealing with those who have lost loved ones. In that sense we are just another statistic. Way to go, to make us all feel special in a good way…

…I was going to write the word ‘God’ at the end of that last sentence but realised it would have been a written prayer. And I don’t do that anymore.

Maybe he particularly likes the kind of person who turns to him immediately afterwards, thanks him for the person’s life and says something like: ‘You give and take away, blessed be your name, Lord’. Maybe that’s the best way to go about things. To steal away the prayers along with the loved ones.

The thief.

 

Promises

For believers, there are a couple of promises from the Bible here and there which act like a sop. The main one being, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

But I’m, like, “When?” (Once again, without adding the word ‘God’ to the end of the question.)

It's a promise. It’s a little comforting in and of itself, but that’s all. There are a number of promises from the Almighty like that, according to the Christian faith.

But why praise and thank someone who promises to do something before they have actually done it? Few people thank a waiter before they have served a meal.

Giving God the silent treatment has not resulted in much which is particularly good. Am I to count my blessings again? Is giving someone the silent treatment always a manipulation? If God refuses to communicate with a person on earth, is the silent treatment still a sin? Or is it okay, because it’s God who has done (or not done) it? They say that God is always speaking and we don’t stop to listen. But he’s not though, is he? That’s never been my experience anyway.

We learn the silent treatment from others.

So, I’m left with, “Blessed are those who mourn…”

They say that the word ‘blessed’ means ‘happy’.

I wonder sometimes, if I have tumbled into some alternate reality in which nothing is as it should be.

There have already been some moments when I’ve felt I should have prayed. I’ve been in situations and heard some general requests for prayer from others which I would previously have said a brief arrow-prayer for.

Earthquake

In the end, with the earthquake, I felt bad for all those people in that hell on earth. I didn’t pray, but I gave £1. It wasn’t much, but I’m not rich, there’s a cost-of-living crisis still on, and I’m not a great giver financially to charities and things. I give information and writing as freely as I can and try to give in other ways – petitions and things. I haven’t given up attempting to do good deeds. The strike does not extend that far. Yet.

War

It's nice, too, to see that almost the whole Church has effectively joined me in my strike. I wouldn’t have done so myself but they are largely refusing to pray for the people of Russia in public. But as I mentioned, I don’t really want others to join me in this lonely, austere task. And I think it’s a bit of a shame that in war time we are no longer allowed to express love for our latest Government-manufactured enemies.

 

Anyway, it seems that God isn’t bothered by my silent treatment towards him.

So he won’t mind if I continue then, will he?

 

Day 45 - Why no-one is in my thoughts and prayers

 

I’m not sure that the Almighty particularly misses the prayers of mine which used to be sarcastic. 

For example, I was always quite adept at shooting up sarky, ‘Thanks a lot, God’ arrow prayers. ‘Arrow prayers’ are quick prayers shot up to God in moments of crisis. My sarcastic ones were really quite satisfying when placed in situations in which I could literally do or say nothing. I liked the image of the arrow being shot into the sky. Hey, maybe the arrows could have hit someone, sending them spiralling out of their place of relative ease, back towards our world of mere mortals? The blood could be invisible too.

I’m still angry with God. It’s not entirely a forgiveness issue. And God is still ‘allowing’ me to be in some difficult situations.

For example, after posting my last blog link in one US Facebook group, one Christian told me that he was very sorry for the loss of my brother… “but” … I was defying God. It is not what a believer does, he said.

I was also told to repent. Again.

So, when I was annoyed (after all, my brother has just died and I’m feeling a bit... spikey), I told the guy that he was wrong and that he was playing on my deepest fears and that he shouldn’t talk to people like that.

Dale Carnegie once wrote in How to Win Friends and Influence People that the worst thing you can say to a fellow human being is to tell them they are ‘Wrong’. Carnegie said the word is like a clanging symbol in our heads. But it felt right to say it. Besides, it was true. So I said it in capitals.

Now, patient reader, there is a happy world in which the right people wonderfully win internet debates, where their critics and accusers (and the trolls of the brain) are filled with shame and in which justice is served and minds are changed and truth and love win out. Unfortunately, it is not a world I’m particularly familiar with. Maybe that is just Hollywood, or in debates written in the Bible and not real life. In real life, in the group, I was told I have a “seared conscience” and nothing more could be done for me.

In these circumstances there are three things to do aren’t there? Three whole choices – after all God had just ‘allowed’ this thing to happen, and what if it was the voice of the Almighty through this man? (And really, all this is not simply about some obscure internet scuffle). To use an adventure gamebook/interactive fiction metaphor… here are the ‘choices’ I had…

If you escalate the debate, assuring your online opponent that you would never speak to someone in grief like he has just done, using scriptures as swords like he has against you – turn to page 42

If you simply walk away from the debate… turn to page 50

If you wish to respond in one word, possibly beginning with a C, turn to page 153 and lose one Honour Point

I turned to page 50.

 

Page 50

You were lucky. Count your blessings. The others in the group are kinder than this one guy. And the argument does not escalate. You remain annoyed by the whole thing and worried that you have a seared conscience, so decide to write about this incident in your next blog (Lose one Honour Point).

To be fair, people in general have been thoughtful and understanding. It’s helpful. I’m grateful for it. Thank you. Go easy on me.

But what do you do if a strike isn’t working?

What do you do if those with the power simply do not budge or even make an attempt to carve a deal? As someone else thoughtfully said, I’m effectively ‘drinking poison’ – God isn’t harmed by my being angry with him, is he? He’s reasonably happy in his Heaven. It’s not like he is suffering beyond the emotional suffering which goes along with not being able to get what you want most of the time. It’s hardly agony for him, is it? If I affirm his emotional suffering, will he return the favour? He can do, or not do, what he wants (and don’t we know it?). Dialogue must resume at some stage, mustn’t it?

Not necessarily… not even if there is… say… an earthquake… which has been ‘allowed’ too. And I can assure you I have not prayed for those affected by that either,. It must be the seared conscience.

So, this is day 45 by my reckoning. If I have lost you in any of this, then all you basically need to remember is that I am very publicly telling anyone who asks, that I am NOT praying for them. I am very publicly telling as many people who will listen, that they do NOT have my thoughts and prayers at this time – for personal reasons.

And I still believe.

So, I’m very sorry not to be able to offer my readers sporadic prayer cover anymore – but let’s be honest – it hardly helped much in the past, did it? Or were you thriving?

As I say, giving up prayer is harder than you may think.

I’m not saying this as some freaky manipulation to try to get you to pray, or to try to get you NOT to pray along with me. To me it is all neutral now. I really am relatively independent. I will neither help or hinder anyone in this. I don’t particularly want others to join me in my lonely, austere, strike against God in which I am effectively in an uncomfortable conscious resistance against the Almighty. It might be an idea not to be in conscious resistance with your opponent. Anyway, it’s hardly an enviable position, is it? My brother has just died – I’m not a happy bunny.

I await the Almighty’s imminent capitulation to my demands or for an adequate deal to be struck. I will not (at this stage) threaten an escalation of proceedings as I’m sure that all parties know that threats lack efficacy in terms of manipulation and general respect towards an opponent. Basically, to get me to pray, the Almighty is going to have to torture me. Then I would pray… really, I would. I mean, anyone would wouldn't they? But, you see, my heart wouldn’t be in it.

Besides, society has its own manipulations, doesn’t it? And maybe torture can take a number of forms.

Any further negative incidents will result in either appropriate or inappropriate responses. Things like, say, an earthquake… or, a chronically hurting arm… or… any negative incident affecting either myself or others… I may, or may not, kick up more of a holy fuss about it, depending on certain factors…

Just one last thing before I look once more to my circumstances…

For those interested in conspiracy theories (and if you are not, why not?) – there happens to be one excessively powerful force effectively doing a jig over my latest move and my reaction to life events. And it’s not Rishi Sunak, his vile political regime, or any flesh and blood enemy I may or may not have.

Knowing now that I am unable to protect you via prayer from this person and his minions, both you and I are almost entirely exposed to his attacks and accusations. I have held them off for as long as I can. Luckily for us, not singlehandedly. I’m not talking about Putin.

I can no longer ask God to deliver you from evil.

Please believe me when I say that of all the prayers which I did once sporadically offer, this was the one prayer which was heartfelt and pure enough for you and others. If you still do not believe we have an invisible, non-flesh and blood, enemy then you will probably be fine… don’t worry about it. It’ll probably be okay. Maybe.

Anyway, what kind of jig are those negative powers doing right now? Is it a good jig? Could it get on Strictly? I bet it’s not even a half-decent jig, is it?

The devil can't dance…

Day 38 - An obscure grief observed

Since my brother died on Christmas day 2022, I have not prayed.

He died of a terminal brain tumour, much too young. I am missing him already, so much. He was my older brother and we were close.

C.S.Lewis once wrote a book called 'A Grief Observed' in which he documented his grief journey. He memorably hinted that his previous faith and words were 'a house of cards'. But Lewis made the same mistake that so many of us make. He assumed that everyone's reaction to a death would be the same as his. At least that of believers. It is known to the best counsellors that almost any reaction to loss is acceptable, or at least, understandable.

As I say, in my case, I have stopped praying. This has been going on for about 40 days now. I remain a Christian. I'm going to an online church and I'm still attempting to practice what I preach etc. But I'm deliberately not praying. This effectively means, in all conscience, that I can no longer counsel anyone, including you, to pray. I have stepped down from my role of 'actively praying Christian' and am now simply a believer who is in active, conscious disobedience to the scriptures on this issue.

I don't think people realize how hard it is to stop praying once it has become a habit. I was never a massive 'I'm gonna pray all night' kind of Christian. But I would pray, I think, pretty honestly, on occasion. So apologies, thanks, praise, grace before meals and petitions for others are all on hold for some time. Consider it a strike of a kind? Not in service.

So this is my public declaration of non-prayer. I could have done worse things.

I don't think anyone has noticed. Family have largely been grieving too and it is hard for them too. I don't think it has been noticed. It hasn't been discussed. At the funeral, when I was supposed to pray, I simply pretended to.

You may ask a very obvious question. Why have you stopped praying then? But anyone with a familiarity with my writing will know the answer. I will spell it out for you in a short dialogue:

Q. Are you actually stopping praying because you believe that God is somehow partly to blame for the death of your brother?

A. You betcha.

It's a little more nuanced and complicated than that, but that's the main reason. God is currently getting a one star review from me. But I remain a believer.

Now, for those who loyally read my ramblings, you will be aware that I think the question of suffering is irresolvable. God didn't give my brother cancer. But he allowed it. And we're back to square one. Because there was a decision from the Almighty there. The suffering question cannot be resolved and it is part of the human condition to continually want it to be resolved immediately. But, as I have said before, the brightest, most famous... greatest intellectuals, theologians, scientists, writers or psychologists have been unable to satisfactorily resolve the question. No one. Not Descartes, not Dostoyevsky, not Freud. None. Nada. Zilch of them. So neither is this obscure writer is he? 

God allowed it on Christmas day. I read in a book on grief that I am not supposed to inflict my "skewed theology" concerning blaming God for bad things in such circumstances on others. That is why I feel I am having to write with caution. It seems an unnecessary and onerous addition to add to the already heavy load of the grieving to me. It's basically like saying, 'If you are blaming God, don't put that on me or anyone else. Sort your own crap out.' Such things are not entirely words of comfort, but surely they come from a warm place, if you know what I mean.

So what of it? So what? One guy decides that to get back at God, he will stop praying. Who cares? God doesn't need prayers after all, does he? Who gives a damn?

To which I reply, 'If God feels that my prayers are entirely both unnecessary and undesirable... then he won't mind if I cease to pray will he?'

If you believe that there really is such a thing as a war with God then I can tell you for a fact that, one way or the other, Christians have always been heavily involved.

Anyway, I've set out parameters for prayer to resume. I can be bribed back into prayer by the Almighty. Perhaps he is good at bribery along with theft? Of course I have not set those parameters out via prayer, but as he is a thought reader and otherwise invader of privacy, that is not necessary is it?

So, as you can see, I'm pretty sore with the Almighty. Not wise eh? Being as he could 'allow' further bad things to happen? 

There is only one other power who I am even more angry with God than. It's not people in general. It's not the world, or the NHS. It's not even the Government or the cancer (though I’m pretty angry with them too and not unhappy to include them in one sentence).

But say, for example, that there were a power which was not simply involved in my brothers death, but which also found the whole situation - condescendingly amusing, how would a human being react? 

Q. Are you about to say you are more angry with the devil and his demons than with God? You can’t say that.

A. You betcha. And I just did.

Anyway, some of us mortals have to control our anger.

I don't know how long this will go on for. There was a pastor a few years back who publically said that he would become an atheist for a year as a kind of experiment. By the end of the year he was a full-blown atheist and ex-Christian.

I will attempt not to escalate my now silent debate with God to levels which cause any harm to fellow human beings. Hey, maybe I learned the silent treatment from him? 

I don't see why others should suffer for God's choices. Strikes and wars are resolved through dialogue aren’t they? I can still promote dialogue on earth, to resolve wars, as I’m talking with others so practicing what I preach in that. Just not dialogue with you know who.

Why Christmas day? I mean, it is a day which is supposed to be about life and birth and hope and even love. I bet the devil and his demons are still laughing at the irony of that... the violent gits.

Anyway, I'm going to have to be as independent of these massive invisible powers as possible for a season or two. I can't be dealing with them at this time.

Besides which... I simply really miss my brother, despite the much-appreciated support of family and friends.

If you do care, I’m probably still in need of goodwill or prayer, if you’re so minded. Better still, you could buy me a coffee, as so few people actually do that.

Don’t you go dying on me too.