Obviously, I’m not alone in my prayer-strike. I’m well aware
of that. Many people simply don’t pray or have never prayed and now I’m in
solidarity with them too. This blog does not have some hidden agenda to get
people to pray or not to pray. Not that I know of. And I’m really not praying.
Talks have not resumed and the prayer strike continues. I don’t know how long
this will go on.
I still think that there is far more shame than glory in
this life. But everyone focuses on those who succeed, so there is an illusion
that things go well for the courageous. For every ‘success’ out there, there
are a thousand who feel far too defeated by the blows of life.
I think I’m largely expected to be praying again at some
point. This is the expected outcome, but I can assure you that it is not a
certain outcome for me. If my past prayers are not answered then it simply will not
happen. The believer who tried atheism for a year ended up becoming an atheist.
Stories do not always end happily. Or successfully.
I should probably write about all the million and one ways
in which practically dealing with all my brother’s affairs is at turns
frustrating and onerous. I used to think that all of the messages coming in
thinking a dead loved one was still alive were a cruel revelation of the way in
which bureaucracy simply does not care. But that feels like the least of my
worries. I feel I have little to offer when it comes to practical advice on
dealing with the affairs of a dead loved one. Get them to make a will. Take one
step at a time. It is ongoing so I can’t help much.
And this blog has been focusing on the spiritual side to it
all anyway. When more bad news from some company or other comes through, my
first reaction is to blame God. Who, I feel, has largely left me to stew.
Thief.
What a loose cannon I must be seen as right now. Not holding
to the party line.
Life is not calmer for me. It is still a hellish storm on
the inside, no matter the outside weather. My mental health does not feel good.
Spring has properly come - flowers are out and the trees are regaining their
leaves which unwrap themselves like emerging butterflies. I like this time of
the year, with the longer days, the bright colours and subtle smells of the
flowers, but my storm has not abated. And in a way it is still very dark and
cold in so many ways for so many of us. It is possible to wake with a feeling
of hope in hope, but by the end of the day this is usually drummed out of me.
The days often end in frustration, defeat and fatigue. Like trench warfare. So
that even the illusion of hope feels cruel.
The country feels so angry and febrile. Everything here is
glitchy or crumbling or breaking down. It influences the big and the small
things. Bringing the usual frustration. Maybe it is just this country. Too old
and too sick not to be falling apart. Not dead at least.
And the spiritual demons will kick you when you are down. Because
they hate us.
So, what do you do with the haters?
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