Day 269 - Promises

 

It feels to me as if God’s promise of comfort to those who grieve may as well be a promise of discomfort. Goodness knows he seems to allow more discomforting things than comforting ones.

 

As Tracy Chapman sang:

If not now, then when?
If not today, then
Why make your promises?
A love declared for days to come
Is as good as none.

 

There isn’t that much more to be said. I am back at work, after the summer break. I am increasingly having to care for my mum who has Parkinsons Disease and who is still grieving as much as I am.

I am still not praying. As I say, I envision these prayer strike blogs to continue to 25^th December – the day my brother died. After that I will stop writing about the topic unless something significant happens. Writing a weekly blog is not always easy and often I simply do not have the time. However, I will carry on until Christmas and then after that will go into other topics as well. Perhaps God will breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the end is in sight and he doesn’t have to tolerate any expression of grief from me?

I had wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year when I first started writing these blogs. As it happens, and possibly due to a minor miracle, I have decided not to do that. Not necessarily because Christ has answered my prayers – in fact despite the fact that Christ has not answered my prayers. ‘The Believer Who Would Not Pray’ – it is probably a good title for a book. I’m not saying that after Christmas I am going to start to pray again. In fact, if there is no answered prayer then I have no intention of doing so. However, I will stop being so vocal about it. I will stop trumpeting the fact that I am not praying.

I have not particularly planned beyond that. If there is any miracle or answered prayer then even if it happens next year, I will let you know about it and I will let you know if I start praying again beyond the sporadic, brief and rare prayers that I have made this year (I have, I think, spoken to God three times in ten months. Which he is lucky to have had.)

I wish I could report that God has comforted me since the death of my brother. I have not gone out of my way to discomfort myself, although I have had to be aware of the fact that I may be punishing myself for the whole thing. However, the ways for God to comfort me have been wide open and yet so few opportunities have been taken by the Almighty. So, I am remaining a believer despite God’s broken-promises.

I suppose a promise is not necessarily broken if it is delayed. But for how long does it have to be delayed before it becomes so utterly meaningless? A promise is a promise and should not be conditional on the faith or doubt of the one to whom it is made. It either happens or it does not, doesn’t it?

And so far, it hasn’t.

Day 262 - AI wants me to pray

 

Here follows a short dialogue I had with a generative AI tool (Google Bard), including the prompts I wrote…

Should a Christian ever stop praying?

No, a Christian should never stop praying. Prayer is a vital part of the Christian faith. It is how we communicate with God, express our love and gratitude to Him, and ask for His guidance and help.

The Bible teaches us that we should pray constantly. This means that we should always be open to talking to God, no matter what we are doing or where we are. We can pray silently or aloud, in our hearts or out loud. There is no right or wrong way to pray.

Prayer can be a difficult thing to do, especially when we are going through tough times. But it is important to remember that God is always with us and He wants to hear from us. When we pray, we are not just talking to ourselves. We are talking to the God of the universe, who loves us more than we can imagine.

So, no, a Christian should never stop praying. It is a powerful tool that we can use to make a difference in the world.

Do you pray?

I do not pray in the traditional sense. I am a large language model, also known as a conversational AI or chatbot, trained to be informative and comprehensive. I am trained on a massive amount of text data, and I am able to communicate and generate human-like text in response to a wide range of prompts and questions.

I do not have a personal relationship with God, so I do not pray in the same way that a Christian or other religious person might. However, I can understand the importance of prayer to many people, and I can generate prayers based on the user's input. For example, I can generate a prayer for a specific religious text, such as the Bible or the Quran, or I can generate a prayer for a specific occasion, such as a wedding or a funeral.

Write me a prayer from someone who is extremely angry and disappointed with God. How might such a person pray to God? Write a useful prayer.

Sure, here is a prayer from someone who is extremely angry and disappointed with God:

‘Dear God,

I am so angry with you. I am disappointed in you. I feel like you have abandoned me.

I have prayed to you for so long, and I have never felt like you heard me. I have asked for your help, and you have not answered.

I have seen so much pain and suffering in the world, and I don't understand why you allow it. I don't understand why you don't do more to help people.

I am so angry, God. I am so disappointed.

But I am also here to say that I still love you. I still believe in you.

I know that you are a good God, and that you have a good plan for the world. I just don't understand it right now.

I am asking you to help me to understand. I am asking you to help me to forgive you. I am asking you to help me to find peace.

I know that I am not the only one who is angry and disappointed with you. There are so many people who are hurting, and who don't understand why you allow it.

I am praying for them too, God. I am praying that you will help them to find peace and hope.

I know that you are a loving God, and that you want the best for us. I am trusting you, even though it is hard.

In Jesus' name, amen.’

This is just a sample prayer, and you can customize it to fit your own feelings and experiences.

I’m too angry with God to pray that… If you don't pray, you are not practicing what you preach are you? What do we call someone who does not practice what they preach?

Yes, if you don't pray, you are not practicing what you preach. So, if you are telling people that they should pray, but you are not praying yourself, then you are being hypocritical.

The word you are looking for is ‘hypocrite’. A hypocrite is someone who pretends to be something they are not. In this case, a hypocrite would be someone who tells people that they should pray, but they themselves do not pray.

Here are some other examples of hypocrisy:

A politician who promises to fight corruption, but then gets caught taking bribes.

A religious leader who preaches about the importance of love and compassion, but then treats people with cruelty...

At this point I shut down Google Bard as it seemed to have zero self-awareness. I do not know if I will ever pray the prayer it wrote.

Day 255 - Brief, unresolved talks with God

 

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

(From ‘Good Omens’)

 

I may have said another prayer.

Despite thinking about how unfair God seems on the whole (I mean, why create so many literal demons and then even give them the ability to read)?

I did pray though. A few months back, rather than have it out with the Almighty I prayed and simply stated that I am extremely angry with him. I didn’t really want to fight. And so, my latest brief prayer was:

“God, I am very disappointed with you.”

Which, I thought, at least was honest.

I think of the usual cliches: “God will never disappoint you.”

Well, there’s another lie right there.

Cliché monger: “Even if you feel disappointed, it won’t be God’s fault.”

Getting a little more honest about wanting to keep the image of God as pristine as a polished golden apple.

Meme: “God always keeps his promises.”

But at what point in time can a promise be said to be… unkept?

Again and again and again I wonder what the point of sharing the gospel is if we are telling people that they can live their life to the full, but are not doing so ourselves. They say that life is found in the sharing of the gospel itself, but I don’t think that is true. So why promise a freedom rarely felt? We’ve got to practice what we preach. Many believers assert that they really are living life to the full and I’m not sure I have the right to doubt what they say. I can never know. I just know that I am not. That isn’t the only reason for the disappointment. I’m now disappointed in God’s reaction to my telling him that I am disappointed with him! Hence I’m blogging about it.

As the atheists darkly say.

“It’s almost as if he’s not there, isn’t it?”

Unless it really is a test.

Test or not, it is deeply disappointing. But I did say another prayer and initiated a brief dialogue once again. I have no doubt that this does not make me the better person. But olive branches from the Almighty always seem few and far between and I think it better to offer one of my own.

There have been no further deeply negative life events since Ad and his partner died. But life has not been calm and there have been many troubles. Most significantly, there have been no particularly notable positive life events. Well, you could say that I am not being grateful and counting my blessings enough, and perhaps there is a little truth in that, but I must have missed the bit where prayers finally got answered. Maybe I’m not listening hard enough. But a human being naturally listens to Heaven via their circumstances.

So, it seems to me that there is only one socially acceptable way for a believer (or, incidentally, a non-believer) to grieve, and I can assure you that this is not it. Because it is not what people want to hear. If the atheists are right then it would explain a lot of things.

But I am not convinced that they are living life to the full either.

I should just lie for the sake of the great cause. I should just say that God is great and he is showering me with love and blessings and I’m living life to the full and all the demons are running away at the very sound of my voice.

But if I said that, I would be lying for a cause which, if it is true, should be able to function just dandy without resorting to dishonesty.

 

Day 248 - Trouble with the Boss

 

I have never really had trouble viewing God as a boss. It has always been quite a helpful analogy to me, especially because my earthly career has been a little… disappointing so far.


I’ve sometimes viewed God as an editor – that has been helpful. To give him a little credit (before I go into the poor working conditions), I have to make it quite clear that as a Boss, I have not really felt that God is very insistent on results. By which I mean that I have rarely felt that a condition of employment is based on my performance – especially in terms of winning souls. Which is just as well, because I can assure you that I’m not very effective at winning souls. Not to my knowledge.

There are scary scriptures like: “No one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Yes, thanks for that… boss, Lord, whatever.

Because, of course, mental health problems often leave you feeling you are not entirely… fit.

Work conditions are important. Even in matters of faith. If your ‘boss’ is not treating you well, what are your options?

Well, the options are pretty clear:




1.       Keep your head down, work even harder in the hope of finally pleasing your employer
2.       Pack in the job and get one with a half-decent boss – no-one needs unnecessary trouble
3.       Assert your complaints in a meeting and demand adequate working conditions
4.       Strike
5.       Take it all out on the other employees

Maybe you can think of some other options. But I’ve opted for options 3 and 4. Option 2 is tempting. I’m trying to resist option 5. Option 1 is just madness.

Now, a good boss would be willing to listen in the event of an employee complaint and also in the event of a strike. There would be procedures in place within the… business. A particularly bad employer would simply sack the disgruntled employee and hire someone else, depending on their management style.

But in Christianity there is no union. Everyone wants to please their commanding officer – hey, that’s even a scripture. We’re like soldiers having to fight in a war we know so little about. Everyone wants to please the boss. Me too in all honesty. But not at any price.

It does suggest that the boss can be pleased. Something which is difficult to know when he is in his office, relatively isolated from the troubles and pains of those outside (especially when he has decked out his office to make it VERY comfortable).

And the only way of knocking on the door? Prayer. And even then, it is more like lifting up a telephone for a one-sided conversation and getting put on hold through a myriad of angels delegated with whatever tasks they have been assigned. Bless them.

Well, they say that there are only two spiritual workplaces anyway. That may be a bit simplistic, but it is memorable. The Kingdom of darkness and the Kingdom of light. Two businesses. Great.

And the employees can make a decision to move from one to the other at will, depending on how content or discontent they are with present conditions.

However, the question remains – how will my heavenly Boss deal with my strike? Will he simply tolerate it? Will he ignore it? Will he concede to my demands or simply send me off for further disciplinary procedures?

Inquiring minds need to know.

Because so far – he simply appears to be largely ignoring the prayer strike. Although not completely. Maybe I will go away and shut up?

Or maybe I’m going to kick up a (relatively) holy fuss about all this for as long as I physically can…

Day 241 – Not really waiting for xmas

 

I'm drinking coffee from a Christmas themed mug. It reads: ‘Festive AF’ and has a little picture of an xmas tree. I have avoided these particular mugs up until now. And I'm aware that my view of Christmas may have deeply changed.

I don't want Christmas to be cancelled in my house just because my brother died on the 25^th December. Most years I was very conscious of those who had lost loved ones around that time and would say a couple of prayers for them. But I fully get it now. It’s going to be a struggle. For me, it is all wrapped up with my feelings towards God for allowing my brother to die on the same day we are supposed to be celebrating life and birth.

I don't even feel I have the luxury to deal with it in any meaningful way at the moment. I just know that I don't want to cancel it here.

But I don't think that Christmas is ever going to be the same again.

“I believe there is a reason that Adam died on Christmas day,” the celebrant had said at my brother’s funeral.

Well, what is it then? Just an irony that a day which should be filled with such joy, which is supposed to be about joy and birth has now become about death to me? And here is a birthday present for Christ. Don’t bother bringing any cakes to the office, God.

A few years ago, I had written a parable – saying it was the most important parable I’ve ever written (and it is an important parable). It’s called ‘The Parable of the Cold Island’. I needed a metaphor to use for what I was trying to say but I leave the whole thing up to the intelligence of any readers. I chose Christmas as the metaphor. It sounds twee, but I was happy with the analogy because it worked on a number of levels.

I have now written a sequel and am planning to publish both of the parables together later this year – with 25^th December as the deadline. I keep the central metaphor, but the new parable has been influenced by life events. It is called The Parable of the Cold Island – Part 2. It goes into the events after the first parable.

It is unlikely to be a trilogy, even though that is a neat format. Any Part 3 will have to be written by history itself.

Above is the draft cover for this new piece of writing. I’m working on other projects, but this will be the next one to be released. It’s the first new thing I will have published since my book of short stories ‘Parables’, apart from the Halloween short stories (which I’m probably stopping, having written them for ten years).

So, I’m trying to acclimatise myself to drinking out of Christmas-themed coffee mugs. Call it exposure therapy. I simply do not see how any of us can avoid it anyway.

If you are interested, you can read the first Parable of the Cold Island here.

It’s a relevant riddle.

Day 234 - Love cats

 

Proving how shite life is being towards me - when I went for a walk, I actually got splashed on the pavement by a car going through a puddle. I was not happy and I swore. What a loser I felt.

This tiny incident is illustrative of a bigger picture. I think I had hoped that life’s excesses might back-off in these circumstances. But this does not seem to have happened. It’s like a very bad sermon.

‘God will never let you down’. But it is as if your perspective on that issue doesn’t count. Many people feel let down by God.

Unless God is going to claim that he has been showing practical love through family and friends then there is no way that I can honestly say that he has helped much these past months. Although I will give him this – when I went to visit my brother and his partner’s grave last weekend there was a friendly cat perched on a nearby gravestone as if guarding them and waiting. The cat was so affectionate and I was happy it was there. It was a bit of a godsend for an emotionally difficult day.

I was pleased that the cat was there. But the comfort of cats has its limits. A cat is not going to cut it.

'Oh, all that time, and I never realised that You were right there beside me. You were carrying me, like… like in the Footprints poem! Oh Lord! Oh, how blind I was! Oh, mighty Lord! You are so very Glorious.'

That's what I think he wants me to say, except not in a mocking way. Except it's not exactly true, is it? Hence the brief mocking. I feel I’m largely being left to cope with the grief as best I can. And that is not always coping very well. I feel I’ve been left to stew.

The correct response is not to write a series of blogs about how you have given up prayer in protest towards your great Boss in the sky. That is not an acceptable reaction in certain circles. And yet here those blogs are, challenging God to practice what he preaches and answer our prayers. Because if he does not practice what he preaches then we have a pretty fundamental problem here don’t we?

For example, the Bible says the following (and let’s use the King James Bible to make it doubly scary)…

“Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)

I’m going to suggest that those involved with this scripture are going to have to practice what they preach on that one and lead by example, especially in the context of answering prayers. Now some can say, ‘God can do whatever he wants’ and surely that would please him and earn them some more brownie points. But he can’t can he? If he does not practice what he preaches, given that he has access to all the resources in the universe and ultimate power, then we face a pretty major practical problem don’t we? If he behaves hypocritically. Well, nothing is impossible for God, he can break rules – but why choose the issue of practicing what you preach to prove this? Why only prove that nothing is impossible for you in the bad things?

Unless it’s a test.

‘Thou he slay me, yet shall I trust him’.

No. We’ve got another problem here if he/she/they (whatever pronoun you like) thinks that slaying me metaphorically or physically is somehow going to increase my level of trust for him/her/them. That goes for anyone who tries to ‘slay’ me. It does not endear them to me. I will call the police and might forget my pacifist sympathies in the moment (and then repent of any self-defence at my leisure).

What are we anyway – toys?

The picture above is of the sweet cat which seemed to be waiting near my brother’s grave.

Ad, like myself, loved cats.

Day 227 - Is God unconditional Love or not?

 

It occurs to me that these blogs and my reaction to my brother’s death reflect on the character of God. That I am painting an inaccurate picture of the Almighty with my words. That right now – I’m effectively, perpetuating a myth.

In the Old Testament, God often acts angrily and is changeable in character. In the Gospels, Christ is rarely angry and his actions are full of love and mercy. However, in the Book of Revelation, God seems to regress and is back to being capricious again (and doing angry, violent things).

But if God's anger has been fully satisfied by the past events at Calvary, then why do so many Christians talk about God's coming wrath?

I'm increasingly thinking that the gospel is not good news if God really is nurturing an inner, seething wrath. It is only good news if God really is unconditional Love and not prone to the acts of anger detailed in the Book of Revelation and too much of the Old Testament. I had always maintained that Christ is, as he said, the image and character of God – and that he acted in a kind and loving way, unless you want to caricature him. That this is one of the evidences that God is good.

I think it must be a test. A test as to which god you believe in. And I am so tired of tests…
And what does incessant testing say of the character of God anyway?

I'm starting to hope that God really is unconditional Love.

But if that is true, then I don't think God would get angry for people going around saying he is an angry God either. He would just find it extremely irritating, wouldn’t he?

The good news of the gospel is supposed to be that God so loved the world that whoever believes in him will not perish but will have everlasting life. There is a condition there, but, when push comes to shove, the only condition is to believe.

If God is not Love then this is simply not good news. Because a perpetually angry God is one of our worst fears, isn't it? It’s one of the fears which we need saving from.

What I have found is that a lot of Christians go around saying, “Yes, God is Love, but he is also just”. Which is fine, and I go along with that. But then they go ahead and talk about how that aspect of justice within his character is also a good reason for God to be so relentlessly angry with so many. As if he is nursing an inner wrath which can never be placated (never mind satisfied). When questioned further on this they often say, “I don't think you understand how incredibly ‘evil’ sin is and how it MUST be punished by a just God” (leading many non-Christians to reply, “I think ‘sin’ must just be everything that God doesn't like…”.)

I have the same fears that the Almighty is less than loving, and I’ve expressed them here. But I don't think I go so far as to say that any portrayal of an angry God is, in fact, the real gospel. Even though, I guess, I am guilty of perpetuating the same myth (should it be a myth) – of an angry, unreasonable, unkind god. It is just that the evidence from life for this is so persuasive… and, incidentally, from much of the Bible. Brothers dying before their time do not help. Unanswered prayers do not help.

Yet a wrathful God is a bit of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not seeking another 'violent no-one', no matter how powerful they are. Sure, I can, at times, be deferential to those with power (and anger) on this earth – but must I also obey powerful spiritual entities?

I think I want to know the truth.

Of course, if I go along with this hope that the Almighty is unconditional Love then I have to recognise that it is this character who I am so angry with because of my brother’s death. And if that is true – how would this character react to me and you?

Let me guess…

Angrily?