Day 227 - Is God unconditional Love or not?

 

It occurs to me that these blogs and my reaction to my brother’s death reflect on the character of God. That I am painting an inaccurate picture of the Almighty with my words. That right now – I’m effectively, perpetuating a myth.

In the Old Testament, God often acts angrily and is changeable in character. In the Gospels, Christ is rarely angry and his actions are full of love and mercy. However, in the Book of Revelation, God seems to regress and is back to being capricious again (and doing angry, violent things).

But if God's anger has been fully satisfied by the past events at Calvary, then why do so many Christians talk about God's coming wrath?

I'm increasingly thinking that the gospel is not good news if God really is nurturing an inner, seething wrath. It is only good news if God really is unconditional Love and not prone to the acts of anger detailed in the Book of Revelation and too much of the Old Testament. I had always maintained that Christ is, as he said, the image and character of God – and that he acted in a kind and loving way, unless you want to caricature him. That this is one of the evidences that God is good.

I think it must be a test. A test as to which god you believe in. And I am so tired of tests…
And what does incessant testing say of the character of God anyway?

I'm starting to hope that God really is unconditional Love.

But if that is true, then I don't think God would get angry for people going around saying he is an angry God either. He would just find it extremely irritating, wouldn’t he?

The good news of the gospel is supposed to be that God so loved the world that whoever believes in him will not perish but will have everlasting life. There is a condition there, but, when push comes to shove, the only condition is to believe.

If God is not Love then this is simply not good news. Because a perpetually angry God is one of our worst fears, isn't it? It’s one of the fears which we need saving from.

What I have found is that a lot of Christians go around saying, “Yes, God is Love, but he is also just”. Which is fine, and I go along with that. But then they go ahead and talk about how that aspect of justice within his character is also a good reason for God to be so relentlessly angry with so many. As if he is nursing an inner wrath which can never be placated (never mind satisfied). When questioned further on this they often say, “I don't think you understand how incredibly ‘evil’ sin is and how it MUST be punished by a just God” (leading many non-Christians to reply, “I think ‘sin’ must just be everything that God doesn't like…”.)

I have the same fears that the Almighty is less than loving, and I’ve expressed them here. But I don't think I go so far as to say that any portrayal of an angry God is, in fact, the real gospel. Even though, I guess, I am guilty of perpetuating the same myth (should it be a myth) – of an angry, unreasonable, unkind god. It is just that the evidence from life for this is so persuasive… and, incidentally, from much of the Bible. Brothers dying before their time do not help. Unanswered prayers do not help.

Yet a wrathful God is a bit of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not seeking another 'violent no-one', no matter how powerful they are. Sure, I can, at times, be deferential to those with power (and anger) on this earth – but must I also obey powerful spiritual entities?

I think I want to know the truth.

Of course, if I go along with this hope that the Almighty is unconditional Love then I have to recognise that it is this character who I am so angry with because of my brother’s death. And if that is true – how would this character react to me and you?

Let me guess…

Angrily?

Day 220 - Sadmin

 

Dealing with my brother’s affairs continues to be difficult. He didn’t leave a will and that has made things twice as hard to organise.

It has been a steep learning curve for me. The hardest were the immediate months after my brother died in which we had to get the death certificate and make sure that all of his possessions were out of his rented house (which was some distance away) while I had a painful arm. A painful arm is not necessary during this time. I still have things to move from his studio and to deal with a lot of his other affairs.

I’m not sure what I can say that would be helpful to anyone going through a similar thing. Some weeks I would be spending a lot of the time on the phone and writing emails informing people about Ad’s death. It was important to have more than one copy of the death certificate.

The people on the other end of the phone and emails tended to be dedicated bereavement teams and, on the whole, they were sympathetic. ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, they would always begin and usually they were considerate.

The learning curve for me was in finding out how things worked. Especially the legal side. Some things were counterintuitive and seemed strange to me. The numerous laws and policies regarding what happens when a family member dies. I questioned the wisdom of many of them.

So, I printed off a sheet and tried to tick through each task one by one, from arranging to get a death certificate through to dealing with my brother’s digital legacy. I still do not have access to his Facebook page. I was, and to an extent, still am, not in a state in which it is easy to organise my thoughts and all of the things which I had (and have) to do. Without the loving support of my wife, family and friends, I would have been flailing.

Some companies were better than others. Tesco had good policies – they even went so far as to transfer my brother’s Clubcard points across to us. I’m not sure why my brother, never well off, didn’t use his Clubcard points. His phone company EE also had a very kind policy in which they waived the right to demand the rest of the money for his phone purchase tariff. I found such things encouraging.

Other places were more difficult to deal with. I struggled (and am still in the process of closing down my brother’s bank accounts) – the banks seemed to make it deliberately hard. All the time I would find myself getting stuck on some AI chatbot which simply refused to put me through to a real person. None of them wanted me to physically write to them beyond sending them identity documents.

The Government’s ‘Tell Us Once’ service was okay and better than nothing, but didn’t seem to stop Government related post (which was redirected) from coming through. HMRC are being particularly unhelpful and demanding repayment for a tax credits overpayment. A council tax overpayment also had to be repaid. The irony is that my brother kept scrupulous records of his self-employed art business, even keeping every single receipt. I think he feared that the tax people would penalise him if he did not defend himself in every way possible. They still want money – of which my brother had very little. Where the other organisations showed practical compassion, the Government liked to stick to the letter of the law and pursued their legal rights, down to asking for owed pennies back. One bill was for £1.63p.

Getting access to my brother’s Google account and email were the most helpful things and I am savvy enough to manage most of that. He still gets scam emails every day. There is no point trying to unsubscribe from them as it just alerts the scammers that the account is still active and they would send more.

I still have so much to do and at times it is difficult and frustrating. It is not something which someone who is grieving should have to deal with. They call it sadmin – literally sad admin. It’s time consuming and onerous.

The main thing that I have found helpful is to break each task down into smaller tasks and to keep a file of all the things that I have to do. And to take breaks, simply for my mental health.

I always felt sorry for grieving families who kept getting post and email to their dead relatives. But it happens so regularly that, for me, in the context of all the other things that have to be done, I’ve simply got used to it.

Of course, my faith has an influence on real life matters and real life events have an influence on my faith. They are not separate compartments. And, as ever, I am often appalled by what God allows. It really is ongoing. The prayer strike, the sadmin… all of it.

If the Government, including the tax office, really is under God’s control, as the Bible says, then he needs to make them repent.

 

Day 213 - Rainmaker

 

It happened again this year.

It’s usually something which only the children notice. Every year, around the time that the children break up from school, the weather suddenly gets worse. Often, I’ve noticed, there are a few weeks, while the children are still at school, when the weather is great. Warm, sunny and cheerful. But as soon as children are free from school, the weather turns bad. I can’t explain it – but you could probably test my theory next year (if you and I are still around). It’s an irony. Murphy’s Law. It doesn’t make sense. I do feel that only the children notice it.

God allows it for purposes of his own. But, as I noted in my book Irony – what do such things say about the character of God?

 

I had a conversation with my brother about a topic similar to this. It went something like this:

Ad: “What about that hurricane in America – it’s looks pretty serious?”

Me: “Yes, it looks bad – I think some people are going to die because of it.”

Ad: “Not very nice of God, is it?”

Me (taking the bait): “I don’t think you can blame God for the weather.”

Ad: “You can’t blame God for the weather? Really? What can you blame him for then?”

 

Afterwards I thought a little about what my brother had said. And I thought he had a point. Global warming aside – there really is a sense in which God allows the weather we experience.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not a climate change denier – I really do think that mankind has pretty much caused havoc to this ecosystem which we call the earth, through lazy choices, lack of accountability and greed. But alongside that, I do think that it’s a bit of an excessive responsibility for mankind to take the blame for the effects of El Niño or the jet stream. Even if you were of the opinion that modern man was to blame for these things, there would have been a time in which we were not and maybe we are just in the grey area of only being partly to blame for it all. It’s not all our fault. Besides, the devil has a scorched earth policy.

That, of course, doesn’t help the child who notices that as soon as the summer holidays arrive it begins to rain heavily. And if God has allowed such things, then what does that say about the character of God? Is this sun really shining benevolently behind the rainclouds?

Check out my summer holiday theory next year – this year it wasn’t so obvious because there was a bit of rain before the holidays arrived. However, I did wake up on the first day of the holidays and instantly knew that the children were off school because it was such bad weather. I do think it proves Murphy’s Law (which is a little more optimistic than Sod’s Law in that it states that ‘IF anything can go wrong it will’ (implying that things can be prepared for), whereas Sod’s Law states that ‘Whatever you do, everything will go wrong at the worst possible time’). See, I’m really quite a positive person…

Of course, if, next year, the summer holidays do begin with fine weather then it will signify a kind of Sod’s Law now for me, but I will have also have single-handedly changed the weather pattern with these very words.

If I were praying, I might say: ‘Let the children have some decent weather, God. They are already under a lot of pressure and get too many nightmares of too many kinds. At least give them some half-decent weather.’

But I’m not.

And that wasn’t a prayer, it was me saying that if the Almighty wants praise, then he is going to have to take his share of the blame as well. By virtue of having greater responsibility due to having ultimate and absolute power.

Above these storm clouds, the sun may still be shining benevolently. Don’t get me wrong, that’s nice to think about.

But it’s not very helpful when you’re in a storm is it?

Day 206 - About these prayer strike blogs

 

I didn’t think that when I started this series of blogs that they would become so long-running. I had imagined I might post a few and then return to my normal topics and frequency of blogging. But then again, I imagined that God might attempt to resolve my issues with him.

I am planning to blog on my prayer strike till Christmas (which is day 365) and then, I guess, to return to my usual topics – unless something significant happens.

More broadly, I haven’t been writing on this topic alone. There have been other projects. One of which is a sequel to my piece - The Parable of the Cold Island.

I’ve also been working on a couple of other long-running projects including my first full length novel (Because Destiny and Dynasty is effectively novella length).

Writing, in and of itself, is a comfort to me. I may be on prayer strike, but unlike Hollywood, I am not on a writers’ strike. If I join the writers strike, it might be that the only warning you get is that I will suddenly go quiet.

So, if you can put up with this blog topic until Christmas, I will carry on with these weekly blogs.

I certainly don’t feel I am wearing God down. But, I suppose, when you have access to all known resources, you simply don’t get fatigue of any kind.

Of course, God could stop me writing at any moment, just as he stopped my brother from painting. I wouldn’t put it past him to do that. Everything else he does feels manipulative. I use the word ‘manipulative’ because I have lost count of the many things I have read which seem designed to ‘persuade’ me to pray again. They range from veiled threats through to something close to bribery. I mean, at least I have the self-awareness to admit to being manipulative in giving God the silent treatment...

I should probably pray that the Government repents or something. That would be a pertinent and necessary prayer. It is probably the kindest and most loving thing that anyone could say to our present regime. It would certainly make things a lot better for most of us if that prayer were answered.

So, just a short post this week to update you. I’m still not in significant talks with the Almighty. Prayers have been very, very few and far between. One telling God out loud that I am angry with him (as if he didn’t know). And another re-asserting my prayer requests – or ‘conditions’ as I should call them. In an absolute emergency or personal request from somebody, I would pray again, but as a one-off before resuming the prayer boycott.

The prayer strike continues and I am simply not praying… for as long as it takes to get past prayers answered.

Maybe, one day, I will look back on this sequence of blogs, feel ashamed and believe that I could have done things differently. But I don’t have that foresight right now.

Day 199 - About not reading the Bible

 

I really cannot tolerate much from the Bible at present and am not reading it at all. It is part of the strike, but also because I have no appetite for it. I can endure the most encouraging, sanitised bits presented before me, but even then, they seem largely useless to me.

My Bible, like that of many people, is simply gathering dust on a shelf. This supposed source of all truth lies neglected.

‘But it’s God’s love letter!’

Have you read it!?

Reading the Bible is one of those things you are ‘supposed’ to do after becoming a believer.

‘What do I do now?’

“Read the Bible. Go to church. Pray.’

‘Can I do anything else?’

‘Errr… you just focus on those things, and everything else will fall into place.’

‘But…’

‘Shhhh.’

I can read a few of the encouraging social media memes with Bible scriptures in them. Some of the quotes still sound hopeful to me. ‘And surely I am with you always, even to the very end of the age’. That kind of thing. But my brain is still full of the more unhelpful scriptures from the Bible. Rebukes, warnings and condemnations. And way too much about hell. It is only human to not be able to ignore these parts.

Maybe I’ll start reading it again if the prayer strike ends. But that only ends when past prayers get answered. And, at the moment, instead of anything approaching that happening, there is simply a lot of grief and difficult situations to tackle. Every day.

So, no brownie points for me for reading the Bible or praying. I’m not winning the spiritual holiness competition. Although I am still going to online church (or ‘the picket line’ as I call it). Maybe that should placate the ire of the Almighty. Or perhaps we just present a picture of God to everyone we meet and those of us who fear an angry God will find the evidence of him all around us. As the Bible says, ‘Seek and you shall find’.

I simply do not find the tone of the scriptures helpful at the moment. The Bible can sound authoritative – I mean, it is written in that way. The only other book which I have read which has a similar tone is the Quran. But that book has too little about love in it for my taste.

If the Bible is the map or manual for life which people say it is, why do believers argue about almost every direction given there? Also, it’s a very big ask to place all of your entire life under the discipline and authority of an ancient book which you have effectively learned after you learned to read. This goes for any book.

I can happily look at the book of nature and think about the Creator. But even reading that, there is evidence for a God who is not as benevolent as I would hope him to be. Nature can be red in tooth and claw.

And it’s okay for the Bible to tell everyone who reads it to repent, such things are allowed to be expressed. But am I to go around and tell everyone to repent too? No-one likes people who go around doing that. People have got their own consciences, some of them don’t need extra ones. Anyway, repentance is a journey.

Plus, what if you are in the process of repenting? The Bible’s advice – repent again? You can’t just broadcast that message to everyone – people are individuals and in different stages.

I do think that we present an image of the God we hold to be true. I had always hoped that he might be good, gentle and loving and the source of unconditional love. They say that this is the good news – that he really is all these things, as evidenced in the actions of Christ (maybe not so much in the words). But, if that is the case, why do we so rarely seem to experience this fabled love? And if we do not experience it – how on earth are we expected to share it with others? What is the point in telling people that they can live life in all its fullness if we are not doing so ourselves? But that’s the promise in the Bible – believe and you will have life in all its fullness. And if that doesn’t work out, what do you do then? Is it just user error if you do not? It’s not as if you can complain to anyone…

‘But you said ask and you shall receive, God. It seemed pretty clear.’

‘This is an angel here – we’re going to have to put you on hold again for a while. You’re number 234,323,221 in the complaints queue. Are you okay waiting? It’s sometimes slightly quicker if you message us online? The ‘answer prayers button ASAP’ button has been greyed out on your phone you say?

I’m not sure why, no. Have you tried clearing your cache?’

Day 192 - A memory

 

During my brother’s illness, I kept a personal record of the events, largely for personal therapy, but also to document incidents like a specialist doctor asking for thousands of pounds for a simple consultation. Or dubious medical trials which would have cost hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I have just re-read one of my last memories of Ad. On the whole, I don’t like to think of how he was in those final days, but this memory was not so bad. It was the last time I was alone with my brother. It was about a month before he died and we had gone down to see him at his rented house. He developed Wernicke’s aphasia at the end, which meant it became difficult to communicate with him. No-one told us that this might happen. When it did, it was only The Brain Tumour Charity website which explained any of it. The conversations, as remarked by one of Ad’s friends became increasingly ‘surreal’…. He thought he was making sense when he talked, but the words came out all mixed up.

 

November 19^th 2022

We drove and saw Ad and his girlfriend who is also dying of cancer. She is a writer too.

We shopped for some essentials and when we got there it was clear that Ad’s girlfriend had tidied and made everything as cosy as possible, in the face of the cold austerity and sheer pain of the cancer. She had even managed to get some more comfortable covers onto the hospital bed – the bed which my brother thinks is horrendous and unnecessary. I gave them their gifts which included a good writer’s book, a Celtic pen, a notepad and some personal care items. Ad got a good first aid pack (which he liked), a renewal of his website, a small torch, some quality underwear, some tobacco with papers and a lighter. And food essentials. And a message from us in a bottle which read, ‘We all love you’. Except, because of the aphasia I don’t think he will read it himself.

He was in a relatively good mood, significantly helped by some privately prescribed but legal liquid cannabis he had had to pay for – which had already proved to be very helpful. I’m all for that kind of palliative care. As much pain relief in whatever way possible as far as I’m concerned.

He spoke a lot about ‘crisps’ and I don’t think any of us knew what he was referring to, except we gathered that ‘crisps’ were a good thing.

He looks bigger now, because of the steroids, as he did when he was a boy. His hair shorter again. But still the fierce intelligence in the eyes. He has weeks, that’s all I know. He is half aware of some of it at times, but then at other times thinks he has longer, because he feels okay. But he cannot manage hills now. He can still walk a little.

We sat on a bench in a graveyard to watch the sunset and talked about nature and some other things. We looked down together across the valley where he lived, still beautiful even at this time of the year. The sunset was really quite peaceful until a neighbour decided to mess with some plants nearby at the point when we might have been alone. I wished the neighbour wasn’t there. Someone else waved at us from a distance. They walked all the way over to us and stared at me.

“I thought you were someone else,” said one of them, as if I had somehow deceived them and was to blame. They walked on.

The sun began to set and I tried to listen and speak with my brother. Some of the conversion seemed to make sense to him. Some of it made sense to me. In the end he raised his walking stick to the sun and asked God for some more years. I guess he has reached bargaining stage.

Afterwards we left the bench and the graveyard and met up with the others. Then it was as if there were a change, a shift somehow, and my brother said:

“Where is my brother, Nick? Where is she?”

I, startled, replied, “She sends her love.”

I don’t want to read more of these notes I have – I’m not sure there is much that is particularly helpful there. They document my feelings and how difficult so much of the search for medical trials was. I’m not sure there is anything especially helpful in them. It was just that this was one of the final times that I saw him, before hospital, and, in a way, I wanted to remember that again. They are both gone now, my brother and his girlfriend – both from cancer.

I cannot currently foresee a time when we will not so intensely miss them both.

Day 185 - If I only could...

 

I went back to AI to find out if my attempts to get answered prayer were actually just part of the grieving process. I was wondering if I was somehow stuck in the bargaining stage – after all, I do want to effectively make a deal with God…

Q. What is the bargaining stage of grief? (I asked, forgetting everything I had learned about AI prompt engineering needing to be specific and detailed).

A. The bargaining phase is the third stage of grief according to the Five Stages of Grief model by Kübler-Ross and Kessler. It is characterized by a desire to negotiate with a higher power in an attempt to reverse or delay the loss. During this stage, you may try to negotiate with yourself or a higher power to undo or change the loss. It is a defence mechanism against the pain and helplessness of grief. It may involve asking "what if?" questions or making promises. I hope this helps you understand the bargaining phase of grief. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

I had heard that the five stages of grief model had largely been discredited and that the whole process, with the golden fleece of ‘acceptance’ were more nuanced and individual in practice. If there is one thing I should have learned by now, it is that not everyone is going through exactly the same things I am going through and have been through…

Q. Elaborate on the bargaining stage of grief and about how it applies AFTER a death.

The bargaining stage is a normal part of the grieving process that can occur after a death. It is characterized by a desire to negotiate with a higher power in an attempt to reverse the loss.

The bargaining stage can be especially difficult after a death because it can be hard to accept that the person is gone. You may feel like you could have done something differently to prevent the loss. You may also feel like you need more time with the person who has died.

It’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If you are struggling with grief, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist or counsellor who can help you work through your feelings and develop coping strategies.

I hope this helps you understand the bargaining phase of grief after a death. Please let me know if you have any other questions.

AI, as ever, was as useful as trying to find an entrance to Elysium. Our robotic overlords are not always helpful. But perhaps in a few years’ time they will be joining in with the cruel cosmic ironies of the gods…

I digress – The point is that I don’t think I can bring my brother back from the dead. But if prayer requests are part of the grief bargaining stage, then, yes, I do want to remain in the bargaining stage, until the prayers are answered.

And I’m being particularly impossible by keeping my past prayer requests between myself and God. He knows exactly what they are.

Am I supposed to consider my actions and words in the liminal time between prayer and answered prayer as… a test? Perhaps if I behave myself perfectly and resume prayer and do all of the things I am supposed to do and say then the prayers will be answered? Praise and thank the Almighty and it might placate him and surely THEN he will finally answer the prayers? Bow to his conditions. Please him, like you might go about pleasing Zeus - or your chosen god?

Maybe, like the lotus eaters, it is wiser to remain in the bargaining stage. That is my thinking. Odysseus can shake his fist at Poseidon and Zeus and get on with the task of lotus eating. Eat the fruit to relieve the pain. Or wonder why the poppy fields are so red. Bring no supplies back to the good ship of his home country, a ship which will not necessarily treat you kindly anyway. Better to go native on a supply hunt. Why set sail again? For the sake of Truth? For Penelope and the good of Olympus? Or simply because we have little choice?

Let us choose our gods and goddesses carefully. Let us hope that they are on our side.

Mine seems to be too busy with his ambrosia to care much for us mortals.