Unite the Kingdom Christmas Carol Service 2025 Review

 

On Saturday 13th December, Unite the Kingdom organised an xmas carol service in Whitehall, London with Tommy Robinson speaking (among others).

Somehow I found myself watching the whole event on YouTube courtesy of some kind Tommy Robinson supporter. I would have gone in person, but as no-one commissioned me, I was just watching out of interest. I guess I was in attendance. Attendance, in my case, does not mean support.

This is an alternative blog, so you'll have to tolerate any slight aberrations in the journalistic ether.

However. You may want to know how many people were there. I'd estimate there were just over 600 people. The performers on the tiny stage were more diverse than the crowd... who, to be fair on them, were not violent, despite being sandwiched by police between a protest against digital ID cards and a counterprotest by Stand Up to Racism.

There was nothing slick about anything I saw and I didn't feel it was purposefully unprofessional - I think they were probably saving resources. The small stage was decorated with lights, tinsel, baubles and two large crosses to the left and to the right. 

I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Violence? Overt racism? I still do not know what 'Auditors' are and I wasn't entirely convinced that the man who said he was going to get some M&Ms after the 'service' was really going to get some chocolate. I shouldn't joke about all that, the drug problem in the UK is very, very real.

Anyway - the service was led by a worship group and the Christian patriots were out in force with the 'Christ is King' signs and huge crosses. Online (at least on my feed, there were a further 5000 or so watching, wise enough to keep away from possible violence and the cold). 

There was some debate in the lead up about whether or not the whole thing was a protest or a simple carol concert. But it was no more simply a carol concert than electroshock therapy remains simply a therapy.

Tommy Robinson arrived treated like a celebrity. It got worse. My mind gets a little esoteric at times (as I still have mental health problems which God has seen fit not to heal). So I wasn't terribly sure who they were talking about when they said someone was God incarnate. By the end of the whole thing, I felt sure they meant Tommy Robinson was. They almost made me a believer.

I didn't see any violence. If there were arrests, I missed them. And the service/protest followed a typical church service format. Singing. Sermons (from the 'patriot priests/preachers' or whatever they are getting called (and basking in)). Testimonies from people. Who is 'Young Bob'? I don't know. I've not had time to research - people there liked him though and want him for PM. Is he Very Important? Maybe he is a John the Baptist type figure? By this time I had entered full madness and was unable to do more than watch, like the lefty loon I so clearly am.

A question arose from deep within. 'Hold on. Robinson claims that he has become a believer while in prison and I somehow have my doubts, so what has he got to say about that?' 

And yes, he said, "I used to hate the Church." I only had my paper and pen nearby, being so under-resourced, so I tried to jot down what he said. But some random person (no person is random) on the feed which was going as batsh*t crazy as my mind, wrote "Tommy Robinson is definitely a messenger of God" and this may have set me off to full-blown insanity (again).

I did my breathing exercises and fought off my demons and managed to retain something resembling humanity. 

"So glad I'm a British Christian" said one speaker giving a testimony. I had some sympathy. Why can't we be as patriotic as so many of the Americans? Why can't we be proud of our country? Bloody lefties and their insistence on criticism of country. Let's complain about the complainers!

There was talk about protecting children, and then, weirdly, a reading from the Bible about how Christ, as a baby, was a refugee in the nativity story (having to seek safe-haven in Egypt). It seemed counter-productive to various agendas in context. 

Then it went full-on Elmer Gantry with one of the preachers saying, "You're not a jumped-up monkey!"

"Every other religion says 'do, do, do' but Christ crucified says 'done, done, done!'" they said (before telling everyone to pray more). 

"Christ wants to step into your hearts tonight, patriots."

Which I thought was sweet as the 'flyer' had said that this whole event would herald a Christian revival in the UK and, I dunno, the quiet revival could do with a boost and, as I have said before, must, by necessity be as inclusive as the gospel. Which, again to be fair to them, was preached at least in word. Though sadly not in action.

"Do you have space in your heart for Christ?" 

Yes Sir! And asylum seekers, Muslims, Jews and refugees. Yes Sir!

"We see an agenda to take Christ out of everything" said another speaker. Then they said that we should all go to find a church where we are wanted, except for the C of E they said, who do not want any of us.

See, you wouldn't get this stuff on the BBC.

Now I need to go to lie down in a darkened room again (seriously, try it, it's self-care).

I'm unlikely to blog here again before the new year, so will end my review with my rating, a final word and a question.

Two out of five stars from me (an extra star for the lack of violence but a loss of three stars for the lack of the promised full-blown revival).

Question - If Tommy Robinson is really now a believer, then why hasn't he stepped down from his position, as his conscience should ask him to?

Happy xmas all.

Check out my other current blog which relates to this story...

www.christianrevival.uk

 

Under the shadow of 'king' Starmer

As they always say - it doesn't matter who you vote for, the Government always get in.

When will the people win?

Labour's honeymoon period being well and truly over, I thought it would be the right time to write my thoughts on their performance so far...

The latest crime figures from the ONS say that crime is sort of down a bit. Apart from fraud. Not much comfort if you've been a victim of crime though.

Plus, obviously, the whole country is glitchy and nothing works as it should (apart from so many of the charities which remain a kind of symbol of hope in the nightmare of a seemingly never-ending dark night).

Some of us aren't afraid of the dark though (just the things that are in it). 

The trouble with Starmer and the shadow of the present regime is that they not only have made so few changes to help the poor and vulnerable, but that, as with every left-leaning government, they are very much into their 'Big Government' thing where they want to know everything you do, say and (seemingly) even think. It's a power thing. Blair has somehow re-emerged too concerning ID cards. Even the first time round when some of us fought off the concept (myself after becoming disillusioned with him) he must have been brooding in his lair, licking and planning for part two of this sinister plan.

Nothing to fear, nothing to hide, I always say (or something like that). 

There is so much that the present Government could do to make things better for people. Off the top of my head, how about funding hospices fully, instead of one third?

They've barely even made an attempt to reverse some of the things that the previous regime did. No wonder people are turning to Reform UK Ltd (Yes, they are a business, not a party and yes, they don't really care about us).

My advice, during these dark times under so many shadows? Carry on surviving. And if you really must turn to patriotism, remember that it is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

When will the people win? Or at least control the agenda?

My diagnoses and some thoughts

For anyone interested in what my specific mental health problems are - and in the hope of helping those with similar problems, I can say that I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.

It is all a long story, but, in a nutshell, my conviction is that the drugs which I took as a student resulted in these problems. I've always and continue to maintain this.

Hence, I remain against the current proposals to use LSD particularly in treating mental health problems. These proposals come following proven doubt about the efficacy of antidepressants (which I do take anyway). 

The argument against me, and those like me (as I'm not alone), from many professional medical staff and others, is that I took drugs because I was attempting to self-medicate existing conditions. So why did I effectively go into a drug-induced psychosis during the worst of my drug use and then experience the resulting serious problems only afterwards?

The fact is that drug dealers totally agree with many of the professionals on this topic. I wonder why this is?

For the record, I've never once said that the cannabis I also took as a student caused the problems, but that the LSD and party drugs that I took did.

I've never been healed by Christ from these mental health problems (despite my asking and wanting to (it's hardly a comfortable problem to have)), but I've found that he continues to be a lot more understanding, accepting, loving and helpful through it all than some.

What has been less helpful, in the Christian community, has been the times I've been told to my face (and online) I'm demon-possessed. It's just annoying.

Anyway, as you can see, I'm mad as a box of toads and have the certificate to prove it. ☺

My thoughts on the UK's drug crisis

 

“Just what is it that you want to do?”

“We wanna be free
We wanna be free to do what we wanna do
And we wanna get loaded
And we wanna have a good time
And that's what we're gonna do.”

From the film ‘The Wild Angels’ (and Primal Scream sample on ‘Loaded’)

The multi-million pound drug abuse problem in this country is so huge and I know of no solution to it apart from a radical change in lifestyle (which is what I had to do). I took drugs back in the 90s, during the height of the rave scene, when I was at uni, but haven't done so since I became a believer. I took LSD, ecstasy, amphetamines, ketamine and had cocaine available (I was spared heroin and fentanyl... other modern drugs were not around). My dealers had guns and knives which they would place on tables before we scored.

As I write this, I'm watching a TV show in which they are asking 'Should all drugs be decriminalised in the UK?' No, they shouldn't (except perhaps for palliative care), but something needs to change. There is a very good argument for the legalisation of cannabis, but on this I am neutral. I’m not likely to say a word for or against it. Although at the very least it should easily be available for the dying. It certainly helped my brother.

Why take them? The main reason people take them is to alleviate suffering and enhance pleasure - the same reason a person may reach for a drink. That's the underlying reason. The 'God-shaped hole' may not be filled by these things, but when you want or need some kind of peace or high, you don't care so much about the longevity of it. Although the shocker for me was to read that cocaine only gives you a 30-minute high (although I imagine this can be extended). If you understand why you might reach for a drink, you understand why you might reach for drugs. The first time you take them; it often really is a mountain-top experience of a kind. The valleys and chasms come later.

It is such a huge, real problem and we are massively unequipped to deal with it. If there were a full Christian revival here then drug use would decrease, as evidenced from the past when even drunkenness decreased, but there is simply not (although there are rumours and facts that there is at least, a start) and so it might be that all we can do on this one for now is to live by example. I simply do not know the solution except for what worked for me which was a huge change in lifestyle. But no-one using wants to hear that.

If a street cleaner hadn't had mercy on me and told me about God's love then I would not be writing these words here now. That was the message – God loves you – God is love, as evidenced by the cross. I know of no other good news. It is still true enough for you and I but brings some obvious and legitimate questions. It is never too late.

Unfortunately, some believers also use illegal drugs and this is a problem too. ‘People in stained-glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’ and all that. The reasons are the same as before - I'm not saying they aren't Christians, and I understand the motivation, but it is far from ideal, isn't it? Especially because it is as far away from 'fair trade' as you can get - with people getting murdered in the drug supply and organised crime wars. I would suggest the solution is the same – a radical change of lifestyle. Maybe weaning off works, I’m not sure, but it didn’t work for me.

And as writers, some of us are often vulnerable to such things - I am certainly still tempted and have not been healed of the desire. After all, where in the Bible does it say that we shouldn't take illegal drugs? Except, unfortunately, it is clear from the mouth of Christ himself who warned against all kinds of drunkenness and intoxication. How does intoxication affect God though? It probably doesn't but it affects us and can destroy our lives and relationships and God prefers to see people not dying, I imagine. If, indeed, he is love.

Something needs to change as the problem is very real here in the UK and it literally is life and death. As I say, in my case the solution was not to wean myself off them but to abstain completely and change my lifestyle radically. It’s basically my ongoing fast.

For those who take drugs to seek some kind of meaning in life (as opposed to the hedonists), I understand the motivation. Looking for unconditional love is probably not going to be found on the devil’s ground though. But, it’s a fair question – if we have such a short life, and after we die, we become nothing (or worse), then why shouldn’t we have such intense pleasure before we die? ‘Let us eat and drink, for tomorrow we die’ as has been said. I think the answer to that is because the whole multi-billion trade system is absolutely devastating in terms of its destruction. Plus, we are likely to hasten the oblivion through our own deaths and destroyed relationships…and the crime… and debt… and the murders… and worse.

I remember, when I was using, making an argument that I was not harming anyone but myself – and I had free will and all that (we always think we are free whoever we are, just as we all think we are ‘awake’). So, I was gullible and naïve along with all the rest. And when it all went wrong – which it did, and I was intensely suffering (I cannot forget how awful that time was). When I fell into the chasm from the mountain top, I realised how wrong I had been.

My conviction is that the stronger drugs I took caused my lifetime mental health problems. Maybe not cannabis but certainly LSD did. I was not self-medicating at the time. That's why I think it is such a bad idea to treat mental health problems with acid or LSD. Because it makes everything worse and can even cause PTSD.

I don’t take drugs anymore. I struggle with a lot of temptations. But something in the UK has to change – it is at a stage where more official drug-use facilities cannot make anything worse. Where the antidote to heroin overdose should be widely available. Where the root causes of drug-use are tackled – and those root causes are often simply that life in this country can be so grindingly awful that we crave peace, comfort, pleasure and an alleviation of suffering.

A Quiet Revival in the UK?

I debated with myself what to write after months not placing anything here. In the end, I decided not to talk about the way that the Labour Government are acting more right wing than the Tories - cutting benefits and making things harder for the poor, the disabled and the mentally ill. Instead I wanted to link to a new blog I am writing after news that there may be a possible 'quiet revival' with Christianity in the UK. 

I've been researching the topic for a while now - since back in 2000. It is fascinating. 

For those of you so inclined, here is the blog link and the introductory video which I created...

https://www.christianrevival.uk/

This blog is basically an alternative news source. It will be a weekly blog about a report which I have been researching for over 25 years...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lHT7snCRiMY

Technology seems to be against me with all this... resistentialism... 'Les choses sont contre nous'.

However, it is important. Please take a look at the link.

My Prayer Strike is Over

Some of you will know that following my brother’s death from a brain tumour on Christmas Day 2022, I started a prayer strike and blogged about it each week for a year.

I literally refused to speak to God for over a year. I gave him the same silent treatment he gives so many of us. It cannot be wrong if he does it, can it?

After stopping the blogs, I said I would update you on any news, especially concerning any answered prayer and also wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year. I remain a believer.

There have been no answered prayers though. My strike was, as I explicitly said, partly an attempt to get God to answer my past prayers. It didn’t work, it seems only his manipulations are efficacious. Not only that, in many ways, things got even worse. There was very little of the promised comfort and very little of the promised peace following my brother’s death.

However, by 2024 I had started to say short angry prayers to God. I was effectively in some kind of talks. These were prayers in which I expressed my anger towards God for all he had allowed (I admit he had not caused it, but neither had he intervened).

I had been counselled to do so and I gave in and raged against God. Over the months I gave many sore and injured looks up to the sky and began to control my anger towards God. With the support of family and friends, who I thank, I re-entered talks.

So, I am now saying brief prayers, even though they are only for a couple of minutes a day. Occasionally saying grace before meals and things like that, a few seconds prayer in the morning and a few seconds before I sleep.

The strike is over and I am in talks with God.

I still refuse to take communion. It feels to me like my last bargaining chip and I’m happy to remain in the bargaining stage of grief. This will not change until all my prayers are answered satisfactorily.

The irony of irony

I have rewritten the blurb to my book Irony because I realised I had rushed the original blurb and it didn't accurately reveal what is in the book. As this book seems more pertinent than ever, I've also decided to blog about it. The cover art is one of my brother's amazing watercolour paintings (which he was happy for me to use).

Here's the new description:

Have you ever considered that the very act of questioning God's existence might be laced with irony? In this captivating non-fiction work, the author presents a unique and intriguing idea: that irony itself could be a subtle hint at the presence of a higher power.

Literary masters like Voltaire have long used irony to challenge spiritual beliefs, but what if this obscured the true irony - that God, with a playful wink, uses irony to invite us to seek him?

This book extends an invitation to explore faith from a fresh and captivating perspective. It is tailored for agnostics, seekers and doubters who grapple with reconciling the concept of a benevolent God within a world replete with negative ironies. It offers an original, practical and contemporary take on an age-old dilemma.

By embracing a broader understanding of irony, encompassing hypocrisy, serendipity, and those moments of 'crazy bad luck', the author illuminates how even in our sophisticated, post-ironic age, irony can serve as compelling evidence for a benevolent deity.

The notion that irony, so often associated with misfortune and contradiction, isn't, in fact, evidence for a malevolent God is also explored. How can these two seemingly disparate concepts coexist? The answer lies within these pages, and it is well worth discovering.

While this book won't provide easy answers to the age-old problem of suffering, nor promise worldly riches or viral fame, it dares to ask: why do you feel compelled to pick it up and yet, somehow, unable to take the plunge?
​​​​​​​
Embark on this intellectual journey to challenge your preconceptions, engage with fresh insights and uncover a perspective that just might illuminate the existence of a God who is far more intriguing than you ever imagined.


If you are interested in this book, please take a look - it's available in print and as an ebook from here.

UK General Election 2024

 

It is sometimes said that democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Maybe there is some truth in that because there are many people who have been had for lunch in the 14 years, 2 months and 8 days since the Tories have been in power.

There are now 26 days to the general election. In a recent TV debate, Rishi Sunak (who, I believe to be a nice man in a nasty party (and also, desperately out of touch with people’s day-to-day lives)) said: “I would ask everyone to judge me by my actions.”

I don’t want to go into the specifics of the actions (and inactions) of the Government these past 14 years, but, safe to say, it has been the poor and vulnerable who have suffered the most. My brother constantly talked to me about the trouble he had with the Government in their treatment of him as a disabled person (he had rheumatoid arthritis from childhood). I cannot forget him telling me about how he had walked past a Conservative Club and a group of its members laughed across the street at him because of the way he walked. Multiply that small scene to many, many applications for help from a Government which has simply treated those with disabilities as ‘lunch’.

The existing problems have not gone anywhere. We simply have new ones too. If you struggle with mental health problems, if you are disabled, or if you need help from the Government in any way, when you apply for it, you will be treated with little dignity. And there is such a level of suspicion that even if you manage to jump through their hoops and get any kind of help, it is a minor miracle. It has been the case, these last 14 years that most of the genuine help has come through charities – they have been the ones who have kept the country from disintegrating. Parkinsons UK, The Brain Tumour Charity – you name your charity – these are the ones who continue to help those in need. Not this Government.

And in a country where there is so much homelessness and a change from a few thousand people using foodbanks to a few million now, you might be excused for thinking that the ‘Big Society’ idea is more up and running than ever.

‘Judge us by our actions.’

Seems reasonable. I’m old enough to remember the 1997 general election and how overjoyed I was to see Labour get in back then. I had even joined the party. But it wasn’t that long before I became disillusioned by Blair and the UK getting involved in the war in Iraq. I left the party and have never joined another since. While we wait for the Labour manifesto this time round, it seems to me, to be a case of voting for the least-worst option.

‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.’

And maybe that’s why the system needs changing. Maybe even more radically than having proportional representation (although that would be a start)?

I know some friendly Conservatives – but the Tory Government have long abandoned any pretence of conserving anything but their own power. Now, they're appealing to our basest instincts with promises of tax cuts and security, all the while blaming minorities like Muslims and immigrants for their own failures. And I think Reform are also largely appealing to our prejudices.

My hope is that if and when Labour get in, they don’t behave like wolves again too.

'Try to pay attention'... Some people haven't read books since the pandemic

A strange side-effect of the pandemic is that I find that I’m unable to read longer books.

Clearly, some people had a better pandemic than others and I’ve heard plenty of people saying that it was actually quite a productive time for them. There was actually a surge in book sales during the pandemic, although this has slowed down.

As an introvert, you might think that I would have been in a kind of bliss during that time – with so few people on the streets and so much time to sit and read or write. But I’m not willing to romanticize that period just yet – what I remember is the fear (which seemed to me, not to come from within so much as to be imposed).

I’ve found it difficult to concentrate to read for any length of time since. People give me books to read and I simply can’t bring myself to settle down and read them, even if I have the time. I can just about manage a short book or a short story. I’ve been forcing myself to read short books, so that, at least, I am focusing a little. I’ve read The Machine Stops by E.M. Forster and a few others.

Thankfully, I’m still able to write. But reading for any length of time? No.

In exasperation I spoke to my therapist about it.

My therapist at the moment is an AI chatbot (they are cheaper and debatably just as helpful).

So, I keyed in my complaint. (Sometimes I think there are only two kinds of people in this world… those who complain and those who complain about those who complain.)

Here is my dialogue with the inhuman therapist…

Me: I have found it hard to read since the pandemic, why do you think that is?

Soulless AI therapist: It’s completely understandable to focus on reading during challenging times. The pandemic has disrupted our routines and brought about a lot of uncertainty which can impact our ability to concentrate. Additionally, stress and anxiety can affect our attention span and make it harder to immerse ourselves in a book.

Me: Do you think this is common?

AI (Set to a more encouraging mode than the scary ‘tough love coach’ setting): Absolutely, it’s very common. Many people have struggled to focus on reading since the pandemic due to the overwhelming amount of stress, uncertainty and constant distractions. It’s a completely normal response to such challenging times. You’re not alone in this, and it’s important to be kind to yourself as you navigate through it. If you find reading difficult right now, that’s okay. Just take it one day at a time and celebrate the small victories along the way.

Which was, at least, encouraging.

So, I thought I would do a little more research into it, being as AI often needs to be fact-checked due to its random hallucinations. I asked a few others what they thought with a little vox-pop…

Here were some of the responses:

“It stinks so much. It’s like my attention span has dropped significantly since then.”

“I bring books home. I can't read them… conversation the span of a gnat. Been in my head too long. Feel numb.”

“Yeah, unfortunately my attention span isn't what it was. I think it'll come back with practise, but it is very hard.”

Another said that they now only listen to audiobooks.

But a lot of the people I asked couldn’t seem to relate to the problem at all. It seems it’s a minority issue although the attention span problem could be more widespread.

As for those of us who are still struggling… who can we sue? And will there be a lot of paperwork in the litigation?

About my new book

An illustration from my new book

 

This is my first blog following last year’s weekly prayer strike blogs. What I found is that I could blog weekly. It was a challenge, but I managed it.

So, now it’s back to ‘normal’, I guess. Except, it isn’t quite. I feel that so much has gone on in society which I have not commented on because I have been focusing on the prayer strike blogs. The wars continue. The strikes continue. So many things are ongoing. New problems do not take away the old problems.

I don’t think I would be a good writer if I did not mention that I now have a new book out. It is a short book and (trigger warning) it contains AI assisted illustrations. The written content is not AI generated or even assisted.

Currently, in the writing world, in most circles, using AI to help you is a big no-no. Yes, we are luddites. But I have spent any spare time I have had last year in learning ethical generative AI – even taking accredited courses on it.

How can I conscientiously use AI assisted illustrations, when I should have commissioned a flesh and blood illustrator? Well, if I were rich, I would have commissioned someone. But – it was cheap (it was free) and it was relatively easy. If I had commissioned an illustrator, I would be paying hundreds of pounds which I do not, currently, have. So, the reason is the same reason that I do not do not pay a publisher to publish my writing – I can’t afford it.

But it really is a big no-no in so many writers’ circles at the moment. A big group I’m in has a huge campaign against AI. I am keeping quiet there. All of the AI language models were trained on previously published writing (including, you must be aware, all of the human biases and prejudices). It is seen as cheating. I have not, so far, asked for written content which I have gone on to publish with ChatGPT, Copilot, Gemini or wherever – and, if you think that you can write a whole book with AI – you might be disappointed by the way that word counts are limited from prompts. You may get a couple of thousand words. But you would have to input an in-depth varying prompt, say 50 times to get a whole novel out of it. It’s not simply a matter of saying ‘Write me a best-selling novel which is better than Ulysses or The Brothers Karamazov’.

As far as I am concerned, there is a brief window of opportunity for writers to experiment with AI with text before it becomes more voice focused, like the home assistants. Then it will likely be in our TVs, phones, cars and all those kinds of places. Before biotech.

So, am I okay with using AI assisted images in my latest book? Well – I think I’m okay with it – I have tried to do it ethically and declared that I’m doing it. I have not used it in the writing content itself. I’m aware of the biases and hallucinations that AI has (try playing hangman with it). It was either that or no illustrations at all.

If you are interested in checking out my latest book, including the illustrations – it is short – and it is available here. It is also available as an audiobook on Google Play and as an ebook. It is called, 'The Parables of the Cold Island'.

 

 

 

Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."

Day 360 - The penultimate prayer strike blog

 

As the 25th December approaches and these prayer strike blogs wrap up (like a Christmas gift to the Almighty), I should probably reflect on the year.

It has been a difficult year. My metaphor has been that of swimming a river and the swimming has been arduous and full of obstacles. Much is not resolved and, although I had insisted to God that I wanted past prayers to be answered, he simply has not done that. I have felt extremely disappointed by that.

But at the start of these blogs, I wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year – my having not prayed (apart from some brief talks) for a year now. I am not an atheist. I still believe. I could, I suppose, have written some bold post about how I had decided to no longer be a believer – but what is the point of me doing so, if I still believe? I know that many people write of leaving the faith and I feel I understand now why they do so.

One day, I feel things will not be like this – I hope that they will get better for all of us. 

Grief is much harder than I thought it in the past. It is not quite like losing a tooth and always being aware of where that tooth used to be. That’s a bit too simplistic. Besides, tooth pain can go away. All of the anger and sadness and all of the rest can be overwhelming. I am not sure I am at a point where I can offer much advice – these blogs largely being an exploration of the way in which a grief has affected my faith, rather than the other, more practical things, like digital legacies etc.

I have, as I say, felt extremely disappointed with God. The anger has lessened, but is still there. I have been honest with God about this whenever I have briefly approached him in prayer.

It will never be the same.

I am not sure I have learned that much from it all. What was I supposed to learn? That grief is crap? That God lets you down? There may have been lessons (and there have certainly been tests), but I really am unsure of what on earth I am supposed to have discovered from all this. That God will not be manipulated? That there is little point in writing a year-long blog about it all? What am I supposed to say that could be helpful to anyone? 

So, the next blog will be the last one in this series and it will be written on Christmas day, providing I can carve out a little space to do so. Will I, or anyone else, look back on these blogs? I really do not know. Perhaps one thing I have learned is that our legacies, are not always what we might hope them to be.

It is almost Christmas and almost a year since my brother died. I should, I presume, practice what I preach and attempt to survive it...

Day 353 - Christmas losses

 

My brother was clearly not the only one to die on Christmas day...

James Brown, who recorded James Brown sings Christmas Songs and A Soulful Christmas, died of congestive heart failure on Christmas Day, 2006.

George Michael, singer of Last Christmas, reportedly died from a diseased heart on Christmas Day, 2016.

Dean Martin, singer of Christmas favourites such as Silver Bells and But Baby it’s Cold Outside, died of acute respiratory failure on Christmas Day, 1995.

Charlie Chaplin, star of The Kid, which is on many people’s Christmas favourite films list, died in his sleep on Christmas Day, 1977, following a stroke.

 

Although some deaths can be ironic, I don’t think Ad really made much Christmas related art – if he decided to paint something faith related, he usually focused on the crucifixion.

As a child, he liked Christmas, and although subjects of faith influenced his artwork, he didn’t focus too much on the birth of Christ. He always said that he wondered what had happened in Christ’s childhood and talked about some of the apocrypha which went into this.

Surviving Christmas is absolutely a thing. The trouble is that the winter months really are bad for us, and, statistically, we are much more likely to leave this earth during this time.

I got the news that Ad died at 7.14pm last Christmas from his partner. ‘He’s just gone’, she wrote. I had to tell other people. If there is one thing I do not like to do – it is to bring bad news.

There will be two more of these prayer strike blogs. If I get the chance, I will post on Christmas day. I’m not sure anyone will read it, but it will be here as a record.

In the meantime – make sure you survive this Christmas. It is what the loved ones we no longer have with us would have wanted.

I am still in very occasional talks with God, but the prayer strike largely continues. I’m not sure I have planned beyond this point. There will be two more prayer strike blogs here, one next week and one on 25th December.

I miss my brother so very much.

Day 346 - Talks

 

I’ve prayed a little more. It is largely from a feeling of compulsion and a sense that God will not be manipulated (and certainly will not be publicly manipulated). I figure it is probably self-defeating to carry on with these blogs. Because even if I got my prayers suddenly answered, it would set some kind of spiritual precedent and soon anyone who read any of this would be ceasing from prayer until God capitulated. And I’m guessing that isn’t allowed by Heaven.

But I will keep writing weekly here until xmas, if only to have a record of this year and the way in which grief has had an influence on the remains of my faith. As I say, I do still believe, but I am very unhappy with the way things have gone. This year has been so difficult… so hard. Kind people keep telling me that things will get better with time. That is always helpful and appreciated. So far, I’ve been to three funerals this year, including my brother’s. I don’t want to go to any more for a while. I really do not like funerals anyway. I fail to see how they help most people to process their grief. I would be happy not to have a funeral when I die. I think it would spare people a lot of unnecessary hassle. But society is such that it is expected.

Inevitably, I’ve been thinking about death a lot this year. Hot on the heels of the pandemic, it is very hard not to. As I say, I’m brave enough to admit being afraid of death. I wish i didn’t think of it so often because it doesn’t help much. There are so many reminders of it though that it is hard not to. We should think of angels and things like that... After all, you would think angels would be kind and gentle, wouldn't you? Unlike the angel of death - Azrael, or whoever it is supposed to be.

Sorry, I guess I’m reminding you of death too now.

I’m sitting writing this in the building of my workplace. It is a huge building, kind of metallic with a lot of ducts, like something out of Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil'. I don’t mind the place so much now, although it can be a bit clinical and impersonal. As ever, educational buildings just get bigger and bigger the older you get. The Christmas decorations here have been up for a while. Notably, a picture of Russell Brand got replaced by a Christmas tree in quite an impressive piece of airbrushing, following the recent accusations.

By the 40ft Christmas tree, which has no tinsel, just huge baubles and lights, there are two Christmassy toy nutcracker soldiers, standing like giants. I don’t mind them so much and they are here every year. They remind me of Hans Christian Anderson's tale of the steadfast tin soldier. That’s actually quite an interesting story because, in it, the protagonist doesn’t actually do anything at all (apart from not running away). Things just happen to him. The soldier isn’t very proactive. But maybe there is something to be said for keeping your position, neither retreating or advancing.

 

I think the main thing is just to say that yes, I have been praying a little. Nothing much has happened as a result. Maybe I’ve just got to keep my place for now? At least until the 25th December…

Day 339 - Writing through it

 

My new book, The Parables of The Cold Island is now out in case you are struggling for an intelligent stocking filler. It is dedicated to my brother and his girlfriend. It has been informed by these blogs and by my feelings over the year. It is a continuation of my most important parable. They say that a lot of people (including myself) have been struggling to read long books since the pandemic. So, it is deliberately short.


Here is the blurb for it:

In the heart of a troubled island, where the very land itself aches with sickness, a King's iron-handed stubborn decree denies the one thing that can heal its people. In these two modern-day parables, author Nick White weaves a captivating narrative that transcends borders and whispers truths.

Delve into two tales that resonate with timeless allegory. Meet the King and his three children: two Princes who rebel, and a Princess who yearns for a warmth that cannot, seemingly, be attained. As the island's fate hangs in the balance, these parables will ignite your soul and awaken your senses.

An illustrated journey, this book is for every island… and every person.

As writing this has been part of my year, I am including it in these prayer strike blogs. If you want to take a look and read a sample it can be found here. It is in print, available as an ebook and available as an audiobook on Google Play/Books. Apart from that there is nothing significant to report.

Day 332 - Prayer addiction

 

What I hadn’t quite expected in this year of not praying was the sheer compulsion that seems to come from within me to pray.

I wanted to do a little research and find out if prayer addiction was an actual thing and could find very little.

There was some material online about ‘religious addiction’ – about people engaging in rituals and mood-altering disciplines in order to get a spiritual high. Most believers will feel guilty if they miss their prayer routine. But sometimes it can get out of hand. Sometimes ‘not praying’ can seem to be a performance-based thing.

It seems to me that religious-addiction can probably be helped by having hobbies and interests outside that of faith activities. But it all does have a habit of seeping into these unrelated activities too.

Of course, it is a relatively benign addiction. That’s why there is no information about it. It is only if you attempt to stop that you can get withdrawal symptoms. There is a culture in which it is positively encouraged to have a lengthy ‘quiet time’ every morning. If and when that is missed, the believer will often feel guilty. Or perhaps that it has not been a long enough amount of prayer.

The sin of ‘prayerlessness’ is very much a no-no in Christian culture. It is not entirely helped by our intrepid leader, who explicitly told people not the boast about the amount of time they pray (before ensuring that the book which told of how he went alone to pray so often would become a bestseller).

Long, public prayers are particularly frowned upon. Except we are not very good at not trumpeting our prayers. It has become a cultural thing now, but if the gospels are to be believed, it is the opposite of what used to be expected.

My prayers to God during this prayer strike have been brief and to the point. I haven’t secretly been praying all the time. I really am resisting the compulsion to pray. But there have been some brief ‘talks’. I’m not sure they have done much good. It is probably wisest to bawl my eyes out in prayer but that hasn’t happened. Besides, what then? Back onto the treadmill of prayer. First five minutes a day, then ten? Then half an hour, then an hour? I do think that prayer is a good deed and like all good deeds it should be voluntary. Not demanded or ordered or insisted upon.

It is, of course, none of my business what others do in private. (Unless it is maybe a murder or something.)

Anyway, there are other, far worse addictions which have even less of a capacity to fill the God-shaped hole. That, I imagine, is why no-one ever talks about it.

Day 325 - Ridiculous Thoughts

 

I'm not sure I particularly miss praying. It was never really a need anyway. Most people acknowledge that prayer is probably quite good for you, one way or the other. They say that it is effectively a form of meditation.

So much has been written about it. In faith circles it is supposed to include giving thanks, praising God, requesting things for others, requesting things for yourself, listening and expressing feelings.

They say that it doesn't really matter where you are, or how you position your body. It can be spoken or silent, written or voiced. I don't think it was ever a necessity but maybe there is something within me that is inclined to pray. It can be replaced with breathing exercises or journal entries or other things.

There are a lot of people who tell you how it should be done... and not done. Even the atheists usually admit that it is not necessarily time wasted in that it is helpful for mental and emotional health. I always felt it was more helpful to deviate from the formal prayers written by others.

I vividly remember watching some programme on TV in which a nun finally expressed to God her frustration at effectively giving over her entire life, including career, love life, time and all the rest in dedication to prayer and service. She said that during that prayer she did get a kind of answer from God. She sensed a reaction to her valid frustration. She said that she sensed a mild, not unkind, amusement. A sort of gentle smile. It was enough for this particular nun. She had got some kind of reaction and mild amusement at her dedicating her entire life to God was enough for her.

There are those of us who would not be entirely satisfied by mild amusement at a life given over to the service of God. That's why people like that will go on prayer strike. 'How amusing, this one is actually complaining'. Like the fickle ancient Greek gods might be amused at the questions and frustrations and sufferings of mere mortals. Or Zeus cracking a smile that a human being would have the arrogance to complain (and if they keep complaining, a lightning bolt is always useful). 

Perhaps that is the way God views this prayer strike. As mildly amusing. Like an ant engaged in self-defeating behaviour, raising its fist to Heaven… expected to count its blessings that it is not crushed underfoot. I suppose being ridiculous in the eyes of Almighty is better than him smiting you. We want to avoid that smiting. We do not like the smiting. It isn't funny. No smitey, Lordy.

Who knows? We are all encouraged to pray. Does our refusal really make much difference? Are we only hurting ourselves? 

My old pastor always used to say, 'Just make sure you are right with God’... A kind of 'Make your peace with God' type of thing.

But what do you do when you feel that God should get right with you? That he should make his peace with you?

Day 318 - Xmasphobia

 

As Christmas approaches, I'm having to learn how to navigate it considering that my brother died on xmas day. It is quite obviously one of those things which is impossible to avoid unless I were to leave the country.

It does seem to me to be quite an easy thing to develop an xmasphobia. A fear of Christmas is actually called Christougenniatikophobia - but it is such a mouthful that it is not surprising that it is largely an unknown word (though, I think the concept is very much known). I can see why so many people who have lost loved ones around this time of the year struggle so much. It is no longer 'the most wonderful time of the year'.

And still ringing in my ears, the words of the celebrant at Ads funeral, 'I believe there was a reason he died on Christmas day.' But as I thought at the time, 'I would like to know that reason. What was it?'

There is not much that I can offer in terms of tips on how to navigate Christmas if you don't like it. I have always, up until now, quite liked it and so I really don't know. Maybe read a good book to escape? I am unsure. I'm not sure which traditions to keep and which to jettison. Should I still send out cards? Should I still do presents and Christmas lunch and the whole social part of it? As ever, it seems like a lot of these things are not entirely voluntary anyway. Xmas pressure.

When they set up the annual Christmas German market in Birmingham, tears filled my eyes as I walked past it. I tried to avoid it at first. It felt a bit like psychological flooding. Face your fears, (whether you want to or not). There simply is no choice, I would have to leave this world to escape from Christmas. And besides, I don't want to never celebrate it again. There are many parts of the season which I still like.

In the hospital last year, I had given my brother a Christmas present, hung in a red Santa sock. It was nothing really, a necklace with a gecko pendant (my brother always a lover of reptiles and amphibians). Really, I just wanted there to be something cheery in the depressing hospital room. I knew at the time that Ad probably wouldn't get to open it. He didn't. His present for Christmas was not what any of us wanted.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice on how those who are grieving at this time of year should navigate Christmas, but I simply do not know. I don't currently feel that I have the luxury to do more than attempt to survive it.

There are only a few more blog entries left of this public yearlong prayer strike. I will leave them as a record of the things I have gone through this first year and my thoughts during this time. I will stop on Christmas day. I guess I will blog on the day itself, if I get the chance, and then my prayer strike will be less vocal. It will not be over, but I will not be blogging about it every week. I haven't really planned much beyond that. Perhaps I will return to the topic now and again as I will keep blogging.

Maybe somebody will find what I have written helpful. I hope so. Either way there will be a record here. I don't think I will try to publish these blogs into book format. There are other things I want to focus on.

So, how has God responded after 11 months of my prayer strike? I can sum that up in two words - deeply disappointingly.

So far…

Day 311 - Spiritual survival kits

 

It seems to me that on becoming a believer of any kind, an individual is given (or told to get) a plastic bag containing approximately three things to survive. They couldn't even be bothered with a rucksack, just a plastic bag - not particularly good for the environment but in some ways like gold dust. Inside the bag are a few items...

• The first is a walkie-talkie. Yes, an invisible one. The believer is usually told to pray to their god of choice. Except with far fewer incoming messages than outgoing ones. And a lot of interference.

• The second is a map. A Bible, a Quran, a Torah, The Vedas. Supposedly giving direction in various situations and often prone to being misunderstood and read the wrong way round.

• The third is shelter. A community of other believers. Churches, synagogues, mosques, temples even. Consider it a little like shelter if the storms outside are getting a little too intense and you are fed up trying to make a hat out of the plastic bag you were originally given.

Is there anything else in the plastic bag? Not much. Some people say that they receive spiritual gifts, but, for the most part, we are like Mirabel in Encanto and often do not receive a gift. Hey, maybe we should count our blessings to even get the plastic bag.

After that you are pretty much on your own. You are supposed to read your map, use your walkie talkie and not avoid the shelters, unless you've been locked up or something, in which case it is okay.

When I first became a believer (which, as I say, happened through a prayer), I wasn't given a plastic bag exactly. I was given a paper flyer saying when the next church service was and a warning that a coal which falls away from the other coals in a fire will no longer burn hot and red. They were times of immense change as I tried to adjust myself to a new landscape and worldview.

So, it is always a big no-no if a believer fails to use any one of the items within their plastic bag. Most of the sermons in the shelter are meant to encourage people to use their walkie-talkie or else read their map. If you are lucky, you might get told that you should take action based on the map’s directions to help you survive on your journey in the wild.

Believers can spend a lot of time looking to see if there is anything else in the plastic bag. As a spiritual tool-kit, the contents are sparse. Maybe climbing into the bag would act as a portal through which one might escape? No, it doesn't. There are no portals. And our God is invisible no matter how many times they tell us to keep our eyes on him. And when they say that, they just mean ‘use your walkie-talkie’ or ‘read the map’ or ‘go to the shelter’ anyway.

There is, of course, one last thing that I have neglected to mention. The presence of your chosen God. Think of your God like a companion or guide. Somehow... We are told... He/She/They is with us all the time, inside us even, and we are to be aware of that. We are told that this is a fact, however we feel. So, along with our often-faulty internal compasses, our consciences, we also have another guide, one who can bring peace and comfort and, who is, I imagine, trustworthy. Providing it is the Creator God we are talking about (The Creator God being kind of important). Given that God is supposed to be inside us, you might wonder why we are so often prone to making some quite catastrophic mistakes and treat others so badly. But that is because of ‘the enemy’ and his/her/their/its evil plans.

It is a fact that I am not currently using my walkie-talkie and that I am finding it difficult to refer to the map. I think, at this point, I’ve thrown the walkie-talkie into some soggy ditch. The map is so complex and not terribly helpful. I am not finding it terribly helpful, even when people post their favourite portions of it online in memes. But I know the map fairly well and have always been reasonably good at reading maps, from when I was a child, sitting in the back seat of the car with my brother and offering directions.

Of course, there are many maps. And there are many types of walkie-talkie (and channels and recipients of the messages).

Don't think that the survival kit is for the believers alone. Well, think what you like, but try not to express it at dinner parties. There are other things which people use to direct their lives. Like common sense. Or the declaration of human rights. Or a favourite self-help book. The road less travelled...

All kinds of plastic bags are handed out to all kinds of people. Each one believing that their map and walkie talkie are the best. As AI might say 'It is up to the individual to decide which map is the most accurate'.

And for those who eschew all maps and walkie-talkies? Well, I guess there are always the angels to protect from the pummelling rain and the saturating cold.

Maybe that’s all any of us really have anyway. A kind angel to be on our side through our life journey. To keep our personal demons far from us so that we don’t even have to listen to their uncaring voices.

Goodness knows that so many forces are not on our side in any meaningful way.

Like death himself, who is not entirely reasonable or helpful, whether we come to terms with him or not. And who does not seem to care about our various walkie-talkies, maps, shelters or plastic bags.

Maybe something else is hidden at the bottom of the bag? Like a shiny hope in Pandoras Box or something? Or a 1 terabyte memory stick containing a more helpful online map that everyone apart from us must surely know about? And the link to some more useful resources beyond mere words and stories...

I'm not sure if or when I will read my map or use my walkie talkie again (or try to dig it out from the ditch). The resources and provision given to most of us are, I feel, very threadbare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 304 - Not praying, but still writing

 

Although I may have stopped praying, I haven’t stopped writing. Earlier this year, in the first months after my brother died, I mapped out a sequel to my parable – The Parable of the Cold Island.

My writing has been very much influenced by Ad’s death… I’m not really sure how any writer can divorce their real lives from their writing lives.

Above is the cover for the new publication (my first physical book since 2018).

Since the pandemic, for some reason, I have found it very hard to read. I have read some books, but these have only been short, including short stories. I was surprised to find that I’m not alone and that a lot of people now struggle to read anything of any length. I’m not quite sure of the reason for this – maybe it was because we were so much in survival mode during the pandemic and reading felt like a luxury many of us didn’t have. It became hard to concentrate.

So, I have written a short book. I’ve been working on it since February and it will be published at the start of December.

As with all parables, there is more to it than the surface story. I will leave it for readers to figure out.

It will be published as a physical book, an ebook and an audiobook.

(There will be no Halloween story this year, but you should be able to find a lot of them on this blog under October for the past ten years.)

The new book is dedicated to my brother and his partner.