Saturday, 8 June 2024

UK General Election 2024

 

two wolves and a lamb voting

It is sometimes said that democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

Maybe there is some truth in that because there are many people who have been had for lunch in the 14 years, 2 months and 8 days since the Tories have been in power.

There are now 26 days to the general election. In a recent TV debate, Rishi Sunak (who, I believe to be a nice man in a nasty party (and also, desperately out of touch with people’s day-to-day lives)) said:
I would ask everyone to judge me by my actions.”

I don’t want to go into the specifics of the actions (and inactions) of the Government these past 14 years, but, safe to say, it has been the poor and vulnerable who have suffered the most. My brother constantly talked to me about the trouble he had with the Government in their treatment of him as a disabled person (he had rheumatoid arthritis from childhood). I cannot forget him telling me about how he had walked past a Conservative Club and a group of its members laughed across the street at him because of the way he walked. Multiply that small scene to many, many applications for help from a Government which has simply treated those with disabilities as ‘lunch’.

The existing problems have not gone anywhere. We simply have new ones too. If you struggle with mental health problems, if you are disabled, or if you need help from the Government in any way, when you apply for it, you will be treated with little dignity. And there is such a level of suspicion that even if you manage to jump through their hoops and get any kind of help, it is a minor miracle. It has been the case, these last 14 years that most of the genuine help has come through charities – they have been the ones who have kept the country from disintegrating. Parkinsons UK, The Brain Tumour Charity – you name your charity – these are the ones who continue to help those in need. Not this Government.

And in a country where there is so much homelessness and a change from a few thousand people using foodbanks to a few million now, you might be excused for thinking that the ‘Big Society’ idea is more up and running than ever.

‘Judge us by our actions.’

Seems reasonable. I’m old enough to remember the 1997 general election and how overjoyed I was to see Labour get in back then. I had even joined the party. But it wasn’t that long before I became disillusioned by Blair and the UK getting involved in the war in Iraq. I left the party and have never joined another since. While we wait for the Labour manifesto this time round, it seems to me, to be a case of voting for the least-worst option.

‘It doesn’t matter who you vote for, the Government always gets in.’

And maybe that’s why the system needs changing. Maybe even more radically than having proportional representation (although that would be a start)?

I know some friendly Conservatives – but the Tory Government have long abandoned any pretence of conserving anything but their own power. Now, they're appealing to our basest instincts with promises of tax cuts and security, all the while blaming minorities like Muslims and immigrants for their own failures. And I think Reform are also largely appealing to our prejudices.

My hope is that if and when Labour get in, they don’t behave like wolves again too.


Saturday, 18 May 2024

'Try to pay attention'... Some people haven't read books since the pandemic



A strange side-effect of the pandemic is that I find that I’m unable to read longer books.

Clearly, some people had a better pandemic than others and I’ve heard plenty of people saying that it was actually quite a productive time for them. There was actually a surge in book sales during the pandemic, although this has slowed down.

As an introvert, you might think that I would have been in a kind of bliss during that time – with so few people on the streets and so much time to sit and read or write. But I’m not willing to romanticize that period just yet – what I remember is the fear (which seemed to me, not to come from within so much as to be imposed).

I’ve found it difficult to concentrate to read for any length of time since. People give me books to read and I simply can’t bring myself to settle down and read them, even if I have the time. I can just about manage a short book or a short story. I’ve been forcing myself to read short books, so that, at least, I am focusing a little. I’ve read The Machine Stops by E.M. Forster and a few others.

Thankfully, I’m still able to write. But reading for any length of time? No.

In exasperation I spoke to my therapist about it.

My therapist at the moment is an AI chatbot (they are cheaper and debatably just as helpful).

So, I keyed in my complaint. (Sometimes I think there are only two kinds of people in this world… those who complain and those who complain about those who complain.)

Here is my dialogue with the inhuman therapist…

Me: I have found it hard to read since the pandemic, why do you think that is?

Soulless AI therapist: It’s completely understandable to focus on reading during challenging times. The pandemic has disrupted our routines and brought about a lot of uncertainty which can impact our ability to concentrate. Additionally, stress and anxiety can affect our attention span and make it harder to immerse ourselves in a book.

Me: Do you think this is common?

AI (Set to a more encouraging mode than the scary ‘tough love coach’ setting): Absolutely, it’s very common. Many people have struggled to focus on reading since the pandemic due to the overwhelming amount of stress, uncertainty and constant distractions. It’s a completely normal response to such challenging times. You’re not alone in this, and it’s important to be kind to yourself as you navigate through it. If you find reading difficult right now, that’s okay. Just take it one day at a time and celebrate the small victories along the way.

Which was, at least, encouraging.

So, I thought I would do a little more research into it, being as AI often needs to be fact-checked due to its random hallucinations. I asked a few others what they thought with a little vox-pop…

Here were some of the responses:

“It stinks so much. It’s like my attention span has dropped significantly since then.”

“I bring books home. I can't read them… conversation the span of a gnat. Been in my head too long. Feel numb.”

“Yeah, unfortunately my attention span isn't what it was. I think it'll come back with practise, but it is very hard.”

Another said that they now only listen to audiobooks.

But a lot of the people I asked couldn’t seem to relate to the problem at all. It seems it’s a minority issue although the attention span problem could be more widespread.

As for those of us who are still struggling… who can we sue? And will there be a lot of paperwork in the litigation?

Wednesday, 10 January 2024

About my new book

A king on a throne looking sad
An illustration from my new book

 

This is my first blog following last year’s weekly prayer strike blogs. What I found is that I could blog weekly. It was a challenge, but I managed it.

So, now it’s back to ‘normal’, I guess. Except, it isn’t quite. I feel that so much has gone on in society which I have not commented on because I have been focusing on the prayer strike blogs. The wars continue. The strikes continue. So many things are ongoing. New problems do not take away the old problems.

I don’t think I would be a good writer if I did not mention that I now have a new book out. It is a short book and (trigger warning) it contains AI assisted illustrations. The written content is not AI generated or even assisted.

Currently, in the writing world, in most circles, using AI to help you is a big no-no. Yes, we are luddites. But I have spent any spare time I have had last year in learning ethical generative AI – even taking accredited courses on it.

How can I conscientiously use AI assisted illustrations, when I should have commissioned a flesh and blood illustrator? Well, if I were rich, I would have commissioned someone. But – it was cheap (it was free) and it was relatively easy. If I had commissioned an illustrator, I would be paying hundreds of pounds which I do not, currently, have. So, the reason is the same reason that I do not do not pay a publisher to publish my writing – I can’t afford it.

But it really is a big no-no in so many writers’ circles at the moment. A big group I’m in has a huge campaign against AI. I am keeping quiet there. All of the AI language models were trained on previously published writing (including, you must be aware, all of the human biases and prejudices). It is seen as cheating. I have not, so far, asked for written content which I have gone on to publish with ChatGPT, Copilot, Gemini or wherever – and, if you think that you can write a whole book with AI – you might be disappointed by the way that word counts are limited from prompts. You may get a couple of thousand words. But you would have to input an in-depth varying prompt, say 50 times to get a whole novel out of it. It’s not simply a matter of saying ‘Write me a best-selling novel which is better than Ulysses or The Brothers Karamazov’.

As far as I am concerned, there is a brief window of opportunity for writers to experiment with AI with text before it becomes more voice focused, like the home assistants. Then it will likely be in our TVs, phones, cars and all those kinds of places. Before biotech.

So, am I okay with using AI assisted images in my latest book? Well – I think I’m okay with it – I have tried to do it ethically and declared that I’m doing it. I have not used it in the writing content itself. I’m aware of the biases and hallucinations that AI has (try playing hangman with it). It was either that or no illustrations at all.

If you are interested in checking out my latest book, including the illustrations – it is short – and it is available here. It is also available as an audiobook on Google Play and as an ebook. It is called, 'The Parables of the Cold Island'.


 

 

 


Monday, 25 December 2023

Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

lion and lamb in clouds



Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."

Thursday, 21 December 2023

Day 360 - The penultimate prayer strike blog

 

a river in the snow


As the 25th December approaches and these prayer strike blogs wrap up (like a Christmas gift to the Almighty), I should probably reflect on the year.

It has been a difficult year. My metaphor has been that of swimming a river and the swimming has been arduous and full of obstacles. Much is not resolved and, although I had insisted to God that I wanted past prayers to be answered, he simply has not done that. I have felt extremely disappointed by that.

But at the start of these blogs, I wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year – my having not prayed (apart from some brief talks) for a year now. I am not an atheist. I still believe. I could, I suppose, have written some bold post about how I had decided to no longer be a believer – but what is the point of me doing so, if I still believe? I know that many people write of leaving the faith and I feel I understand now why they do so.

One day, I feel things will not be like this – I hope that they will get better for all of us. 

Grief is much harder than I thought it in the past. It is not quite like losing a tooth and always being aware of where that tooth used to be. That’s a bit too simplistic. Besides, tooth pain can go away. All of the anger and sadness and all of the rest can be overwhelming. I am not sure I am at a point where I can offer much advice – these blogs largely being an exploration of the way in which a grief has affected my faith, rather than the other, more practical things, like digital legacies etc.

I have, as I say, felt extremely disappointed with God. The anger has lessened, but is still there. I have been honest with God about this whenever I have briefly approached him in prayer.

It will never be the same.

I am not sure I have learned that much from it all. What was I supposed to learn? That grief is crap? That God lets you down? There may have been lessons (and there have certainly been tests), but I really am unsure of what on earth I am supposed to have discovered from all this. That God will not be manipulated? That there is little point in writing a year-long blog about it all? What am I supposed to say that could be helpful to anyone? 

So, the next blog will be the last one in this series and it will be written on Christmas day, providing I can carve out a little space to do so. Will I, or anyone else, look back on these blogs? I really do not know. Perhaps one thing I have learned is that our legacies, are not always what we might hope them to be.

It is almost Christmas and almost a year since my brother died. I should, I presume, practice what I preach and attempt to survive it...


Thursday, 14 December 2023

Day 353 - Christmas losses

 

a grave at christmas time with a cross on it



My brother was clearly not the only one to die on Christmas day...


James Brown, who recorded James Brown sings Christmas Songs and A Soulful Christmas, died of congestive heart failure on Christmas Day, 2006.

George Michael, singer of Last Christmas, reportedly died from a diseased heart on Christmas Day, 2016.

Dean Martin, singer of Christmas favourites such as Silver Bells and But Baby it’s Cold Outside, died of acute respiratory failure on Christmas Day, 1995.

Charlie Chaplin, star of The Kid, which is on many people’s Christmas favourite films list, died in his sleep on Christmas Day, 1977, following a stroke.
 

Although some deaths can be ironic, I don’t think Ad really made much Christmas related art – if he decided to paint something faith related, he usually focused on the crucifixion.

As a child, he liked Christmas, and although subjects of faith influenced his artwork, he didn’t focus too much on the birth of Christ. He always said that he wondered what had happened in Christ’s childhood and talked about some of the apocrypha which went into this.

Surviving Christmas is absolutely a thing. The trouble is that the winter months really are bad for us, and, statistically, we are much more likely to leave this earth during this time.

I got the news that Ad died at 7.14pm last Christmas from his partner. ‘He’s just gone’, she wrote. I had to tell other people. If there is one thing I do not like to do – it is to bring bad news.

There will be two more of these prayer strike blogs. If I get the chance, I will post on Christmas day. I’m not sure anyone will read it, but it will be here as a record.

In the meantime – make sure you survive this Christmas. It is what the loved ones we no longer have with us would have wanted.

I am still in very occasional talks with God, but the prayer strike largely continues. I’m not sure I have planned beyond this point. There will be two more prayer strike blogs here, one next week and one on 25th December.

I miss my brother so very much.

Thursday, 7 December 2023

Day 346 - Talks

 

a giant toy soldier next to a christmas tree in a huge building

I’ve prayed a little more. It is largely from a feeling of compulsion and a sense that God will not be manipulated (and certainly will not be publicly manipulated). I figure it is probably self-defeating to carry on with these blogs. Because even if I got my prayers suddenly answered, it would set some kind of spiritual precedent and soon anyone who read any of this would be ceasing from prayer until God capitulated. And I’m guessing that isn’t allowed by Heaven.

But I will keep writing weekly here until xmas, if only to have a record of this year and the way in which grief has had an influence on the remains of my faith. As I say, I do still believe, but I am very unhappy with the way things have gone. This year has been so difficult… so hard. Kind people keep telling me that things will get better with time. That is always helpful and appreciated. So far, I’ve been to three funerals this year, including my brother’s. I don’t want to go to any more for a while. I really do not like funerals anyway. I fail to see how they help most people to process their grief. I would be happy not to have a funeral when I die. I think it would spare people a lot of unnecessary hassle. But society is such that it is expected.

Inevitably, I’ve been thinking about death a lot this year. Hot on the heels of the pandemic, it is very hard not to. As I say, I’m brave enough to admit being afraid of death. I wish i didn’t think of it so often because it doesn’t help much. There are so many reminders of it though that it is hard not to. We should think of angels and things like that... After all, you would think angels would be kind and gentle, wouldn't you? Unlike the angel of death - Azrael, or whoever it is supposed to be.

Sorry, I guess I’m reminding you of death too now.

I’m sitting writing this in the building of my workplace. It is a huge building, kind of metallic with a lot of ducts, like something out of Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil'. I don’t mind the place so much now, although it can be a bit clinical and impersonal. As ever, educational buildings just get bigger and bigger the older you get. The Christmas decorations here have been up for a while. Notably, a picture of Russell Brand got replaced by a Christmas tree in quite an impressive piece of airbrushing, following the recent accusations.

By the 40ft Christmas tree, which has no tinsel, just huge baubles and lights, there are two Christmassy toy nutcracker soldiers, standing like giants. I don’t mind them so much and they are here every year. They remind me of Hans Christian Anderson's tale of the steadfast tin soldier. That’s actually quite an interesting story because, in it, the protagonist doesn’t actually do anything at all (apart from not running away). Things just happen to him. The soldier isn’t very proactive. But maybe there is something to be said for keeping your position, neither retreating or advancing.

 

I think the main thing is just to say that yes, I have been praying a little. Nothing much has happened as a result. Maybe I’ve just got to keep my place for now? At least until the 25th December…


Featured post

Day 38 - An obscure grief observed

Since my brother died on Christmas day 2022, I have not prayed. He died of a terminal brain tumour, much too young. I am missing...