Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."

Day 360 - The penultimate prayer strike blog

 

As the 25th December approaches and these prayer strike blogs wrap up (like a Christmas gift to the Almighty), I should probably reflect on the year.

It has been a difficult year. My metaphor has been that of swimming a river and the swimming has been arduous and full of obstacles. Much is not resolved and, although I had insisted to God that I wanted past prayers to be answered, he simply has not done that. I have felt extremely disappointed by that.

But at the start of these blogs, I wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year – my having not prayed (apart from some brief talks) for a year now. I am not an atheist. I still believe. I could, I suppose, have written some bold post about how I had decided to no longer be a believer – but what is the point of me doing so, if I still believe? I know that many people write of leaving the faith and I feel I understand now why they do so.

One day, I feel things will not be like this – I hope that they will get better for all of us. 

Grief is much harder than I thought it in the past. It is not quite like losing a tooth and always being aware of where that tooth used to be. That’s a bit too simplistic. Besides, tooth pain can go away. All of the anger and sadness and all of the rest can be overwhelming. I am not sure I am at a point where I can offer much advice – these blogs largely being an exploration of the way in which a grief has affected my faith, rather than the other, more practical things, like digital legacies etc.

I have, as I say, felt extremely disappointed with God. The anger has lessened, but is still there. I have been honest with God about this whenever I have briefly approached him in prayer.

It will never be the same.

I am not sure I have learned that much from it all. What was I supposed to learn? That grief is crap? That God lets you down? There may have been lessons (and there have certainly been tests), but I really am unsure of what on earth I am supposed to have discovered from all this. That God will not be manipulated? That there is little point in writing a year-long blog about it all? What am I supposed to say that could be helpful to anyone? 

So, the next blog will be the last one in this series and it will be written on Christmas day, providing I can carve out a little space to do so. Will I, or anyone else, look back on these blogs? I really do not know. Perhaps one thing I have learned is that our legacies, are not always what we might hope them to be.

It is almost Christmas and almost a year since my brother died. I should, I presume, practice what I preach and attempt to survive it...

Day 353 - Christmas losses

 

My brother was clearly not the only one to die on Christmas day...

James Brown, who recorded James Brown sings Christmas Songs and A Soulful Christmas, died of congestive heart failure on Christmas Day, 2006.

George Michael, singer of Last Christmas, reportedly died from a diseased heart on Christmas Day, 2016.

Dean Martin, singer of Christmas favourites such as Silver Bells and But Baby it’s Cold Outside, died of acute respiratory failure on Christmas Day, 1995.

Charlie Chaplin, star of The Kid, which is on many people’s Christmas favourite films list, died in his sleep on Christmas Day, 1977, following a stroke.

 

Although some deaths can be ironic, I don’t think Ad really made much Christmas related art – if he decided to paint something faith related, he usually focused on the crucifixion.

As a child, he liked Christmas, and although subjects of faith influenced his artwork, he didn’t focus too much on the birth of Christ. He always said that he wondered what had happened in Christ’s childhood and talked about some of the apocrypha which went into this.

Surviving Christmas is absolutely a thing. The trouble is that the winter months really are bad for us, and, statistically, we are much more likely to leave this earth during this time.

I got the news that Ad died at 7.14pm last Christmas from his partner. ‘He’s just gone’, she wrote. I had to tell other people. If there is one thing I do not like to do – it is to bring bad news.

There will be two more of these prayer strike blogs. If I get the chance, I will post on Christmas day. I’m not sure anyone will read it, but it will be here as a record.

In the meantime – make sure you survive this Christmas. It is what the loved ones we no longer have with us would have wanted.

I am still in very occasional talks with God, but the prayer strike largely continues. I’m not sure I have planned beyond this point. There will be two more prayer strike blogs here, one next week and one on 25th December.

I miss my brother so very much.

Day 346 - Talks

 

I’ve prayed a little more. It is largely from a feeling of compulsion and a sense that God will not be manipulated (and certainly will not be publicly manipulated). I figure it is probably self-defeating to carry on with these blogs. Because even if I got my prayers suddenly answered, it would set some kind of spiritual precedent and soon anyone who read any of this would be ceasing from prayer until God capitulated. And I’m guessing that isn’t allowed by Heaven.

But I will keep writing weekly here until xmas, if only to have a record of this year and the way in which grief has had an influence on the remains of my faith. As I say, I do still believe, but I am very unhappy with the way things have gone. This year has been so difficult… so hard. Kind people keep telling me that things will get better with time. That is always helpful and appreciated. So far, I’ve been to three funerals this year, including my brother’s. I don’t want to go to any more for a while. I really do not like funerals anyway. I fail to see how they help most people to process their grief. I would be happy not to have a funeral when I die. I think it would spare people a lot of unnecessary hassle. But society is such that it is expected.

Inevitably, I’ve been thinking about death a lot this year. Hot on the heels of the pandemic, it is very hard not to. As I say, I’m brave enough to admit being afraid of death. I wish i didn’t think of it so often because it doesn’t help much. There are so many reminders of it though that it is hard not to. We should think of angels and things like that... After all, you would think angels would be kind and gentle, wouldn't you? Unlike the angel of death - Azrael, or whoever it is supposed to be.

Sorry, I guess I’m reminding you of death too now.

I’m sitting writing this in the building of my workplace. It is a huge building, kind of metallic with a lot of ducts, like something out of Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil'. I don’t mind the place so much now, although it can be a bit clinical and impersonal. As ever, educational buildings just get bigger and bigger the older you get. The Christmas decorations here have been up for a while. Notably, a picture of Russell Brand got replaced by a Christmas tree in quite an impressive piece of airbrushing, following the recent accusations.

By the 40ft Christmas tree, which has no tinsel, just huge baubles and lights, there are two Christmassy toy nutcracker soldiers, standing like giants. I don’t mind them so much and they are here every year. They remind me of Hans Christian Anderson's tale of the steadfast tin soldier. That’s actually quite an interesting story because, in it, the protagonist doesn’t actually do anything at all (apart from not running away). Things just happen to him. The soldier isn’t very proactive. But maybe there is something to be said for keeping your position, neither retreating or advancing.

 

I think the main thing is just to say that yes, I have been praying a little. Nothing much has happened as a result. Maybe I’ve just got to keep my place for now? At least until the 25th December…

Day 339 - Writing through it

 

My new book, The Parables of The Cold Island is now out in case you are struggling for an intelligent stocking filler. It is dedicated to my brother and his girlfriend. It has been informed by these blogs and by my feelings over the year. It is a continuation of my most important parable. They say that a lot of people (including myself) have been struggling to read long books since the pandemic. So, it is deliberately short.


Here is the blurb for it:

In the heart of a troubled island, where the very land itself aches with sickness, a King's iron-handed stubborn decree denies the one thing that can heal its people. In these two modern-day parables, author Nick White weaves a captivating narrative that transcends borders and whispers truths.

Delve into two tales that resonate with timeless allegory. Meet the King and his three children: two Princes who rebel, and a Princess who yearns for a warmth that cannot, seemingly, be attained. As the island's fate hangs in the balance, these parables will ignite your soul and awaken your senses.

An illustrated journey, this book is for every island… and every person.

As writing this has been part of my year, I am including it in these prayer strike blogs. If you want to take a look and read a sample it can be found here. It is in print, available as an ebook and available as an audiobook on Google Play/Books. Apart from that there is nothing significant to report.

Day 332 - Prayer addiction

 

What I hadn’t quite expected in this year of not praying was the sheer compulsion that seems to come from within me to pray.

I wanted to do a little research and find out if prayer addiction was an actual thing and could find very little.

There was some material online about ‘religious addiction’ – about people engaging in rituals and mood-altering disciplines in order to get a spiritual high. Most believers will feel guilty if they miss their prayer routine. But sometimes it can get out of hand. Sometimes ‘not praying’ can seem to be a performance-based thing.

It seems to me that religious-addiction can probably be helped by having hobbies and interests outside that of faith activities. But it all does have a habit of seeping into these unrelated activities too.

Of course, it is a relatively benign addiction. That’s why there is no information about it. It is only if you attempt to stop that you can get withdrawal symptoms. There is a culture in which it is positively encouraged to have a lengthy ‘quiet time’ every morning. If and when that is missed, the believer will often feel guilty. Or perhaps that it has not been a long enough amount of prayer.

The sin of ‘prayerlessness’ is very much a no-no in Christian culture. It is not entirely helped by our intrepid leader, who explicitly told people not the boast about the amount of time they pray (before ensuring that the book which told of how he went alone to pray so often would become a bestseller).

Long, public prayers are particularly frowned upon. Except we are not very good at not trumpeting our prayers. It has become a cultural thing now, but if the gospels are to be believed, it is the opposite of what used to be expected.

My prayers to God during this prayer strike have been brief and to the point. I haven’t secretly been praying all the time. I really am resisting the compulsion to pray. But there have been some brief ‘talks’. I’m not sure they have done much good. It is probably wisest to bawl my eyes out in prayer but that hasn’t happened. Besides, what then? Back onto the treadmill of prayer. First five minutes a day, then ten? Then half an hour, then an hour? I do think that prayer is a good deed and like all good deeds it should be voluntary. Not demanded or ordered or insisted upon.

It is, of course, none of my business what others do in private. (Unless it is maybe a murder or something.)

Anyway, there are other, far worse addictions which have even less of a capacity to fill the God-shaped hole. That, I imagine, is why no-one ever talks about it.

Day 325 - Ridiculous Thoughts

 

I'm not sure I particularly miss praying. It was never really a need anyway. Most people acknowledge that prayer is probably quite good for you, one way or the other. They say that it is effectively a form of meditation.

So much has been written about it. In faith circles it is supposed to include giving thanks, praising God, requesting things for others, requesting things for yourself, listening and expressing feelings.

They say that it doesn't really matter where you are, or how you position your body. It can be spoken or silent, written or voiced. I don't think it was ever a necessity but maybe there is something within me that is inclined to pray. It can be replaced with breathing exercises or journal entries or other things.

There are a lot of people who tell you how it should be done... and not done. Even the atheists usually admit that it is not necessarily time wasted in that it is helpful for mental and emotional health. I always felt it was more helpful to deviate from the formal prayers written by others.

I vividly remember watching some programme on TV in which a nun finally expressed to God her frustration at effectively giving over her entire life, including career, love life, time and all the rest in dedication to prayer and service. She said that during that prayer she did get a kind of answer from God. She sensed a reaction to her valid frustration. She said that she sensed a mild, not unkind, amusement. A sort of gentle smile. It was enough for this particular nun. She had got some kind of reaction and mild amusement at her dedicating her entire life to God was enough for her.

There are those of us who would not be entirely satisfied by mild amusement at a life given over to the service of God. That's why people like that will go on prayer strike. 'How amusing, this one is actually complaining'. Like the fickle ancient Greek gods might be amused at the questions and frustrations and sufferings of mere mortals. Or Zeus cracking a smile that a human being would have the arrogance to complain (and if they keep complaining, a lightning bolt is always useful). 

Perhaps that is the way God views this prayer strike. As mildly amusing. Like an ant engaged in self-defeating behaviour, raising its fist to Heaven… expected to count its blessings that it is not crushed underfoot. I suppose being ridiculous in the eyes of Almighty is better than him smiting you. We want to avoid that smiting. We do not like the smiting. It isn't funny. No smitey, Lordy.

Who knows? We are all encouraged to pray. Does our refusal really make much difference? Are we only hurting ourselves? 

My old pastor always used to say, 'Just make sure you are right with God’... A kind of 'Make your peace with God' type of thing.

But what do you do when you feel that God should get right with you? That he should make his peace with you?

Day 318 - Xmasphobia

 

As Christmas approaches, I'm having to learn how to navigate it considering that my brother died on xmas day. It is quite obviously one of those things which is impossible to avoid unless I were to leave the country.

It does seem to me to be quite an easy thing to develop an xmasphobia. A fear of Christmas is actually called Christougenniatikophobia - but it is such a mouthful that it is not surprising that it is largely an unknown word (though, I think the concept is very much known). I can see why so many people who have lost loved ones around this time of the year struggle so much. It is no longer 'the most wonderful time of the year'.

And still ringing in my ears, the words of the celebrant at Ads funeral, 'I believe there was a reason he died on Christmas day.' But as I thought at the time, 'I would like to know that reason. What was it?'

There is not much that I can offer in terms of tips on how to navigate Christmas if you don't like it. I have always, up until now, quite liked it and so I really don't know. Maybe read a good book to escape? I am unsure. I'm not sure which traditions to keep and which to jettison. Should I still send out cards? Should I still do presents and Christmas lunch and the whole social part of it? As ever, it seems like a lot of these things are not entirely voluntary anyway. Xmas pressure.

When they set up the annual Christmas German market in Birmingham, tears filled my eyes as I walked past it. I tried to avoid it at first. It felt a bit like psychological flooding. Face your fears, (whether you want to or not). There simply is no choice, I would have to leave this world to escape from Christmas. And besides, I don't want to never celebrate it again. There are many parts of the season which I still like.

In the hospital last year, I had given my brother a Christmas present, hung in a red Santa sock. It was nothing really, a necklace with a gecko pendant (my brother always a lover of reptiles and amphibians). Really, I just wanted there to be something cheery in the depressing hospital room. I knew at the time that Ad probably wouldn't get to open it. He didn't. His present for Christmas was not what any of us wanted.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice on how those who are grieving at this time of year should navigate Christmas, but I simply do not know. I don't currently feel that I have the luxury to do more than attempt to survive it.

There are only a few more blog entries left of this public yearlong prayer strike. I will leave them as a record of the things I have gone through this first year and my thoughts during this time. I will stop on Christmas day. I guess I will blog on the day itself, if I get the chance, and then my prayer strike will be less vocal. It will not be over, but I will not be blogging about it every week. I haven't really planned much beyond that. Perhaps I will return to the topic now and again as I will keep blogging.

Maybe somebody will find what I have written helpful. I hope so. Either way there will be a record here. I don't think I will try to publish these blogs into book format. There are other things I want to focus on.

So, how has God responded after 11 months of my prayer strike? I can sum that up in two words - deeply disappointingly.

So far…

Day 311 - Spiritual survival kits

 

It seems to me that on becoming a believer of any kind, an individual is given (or told to get) a plastic bag containing approximately three things to survive. They couldn't even be bothered with a rucksack, just a plastic bag - not particularly good for the environment but in some ways like gold dust. Inside the bag are a few items...

• The first is a walkie-talkie. Yes, an invisible one. The believer is usually told to pray to their god of choice. Except with far fewer incoming messages than outgoing ones. And a lot of interference.

• The second is a map. A Bible, a Quran, a Torah, The Vedas. Supposedly giving direction in various situations and often prone to being misunderstood and read the wrong way round.

• The third is shelter. A community of other believers. Churches, synagogues, mosques, temples even. Consider it a little like shelter if the storms outside are getting a little too intense and you are fed up trying to make a hat out of the plastic bag you were originally given.

Is there anything else in the plastic bag? Not much. Some people say that they receive spiritual gifts, but, for the most part, we are like Mirabel in Encanto and often do not receive a gift. Hey, maybe we should count our blessings to even get the plastic bag.

After that you are pretty much on your own. You are supposed to read your map, use your walkie talkie and not avoid the shelters, unless you've been locked up or something, in which case it is okay.

When I first became a believer (which, as I say, happened through a prayer), I wasn't given a plastic bag exactly. I was given a paper flyer saying when the next church service was and a warning that a coal which falls away from the other coals in a fire will no longer burn hot and red. They were times of immense change as I tried to adjust myself to a new landscape and worldview.

So, it is always a big no-no if a believer fails to use any one of the items within their plastic bag. Most of the sermons in the shelter are meant to encourage people to use their walkie-talkie or else read their map. If you are lucky, you might get told that you should take action based on the map’s directions to help you survive on your journey in the wild.

Believers can spend a lot of time looking to see if there is anything else in the plastic bag. As a spiritual tool-kit, the contents are sparse. Maybe climbing into the bag would act as a portal through which one might escape? No, it doesn't. There are no portals. And our God is invisible no matter how many times they tell us to keep our eyes on him. And when they say that, they just mean ‘use your walkie-talkie’ or ‘read the map’ or ‘go to the shelter’ anyway.

There is, of course, one last thing that I have neglected to mention. The presence of your chosen God. Think of your God like a companion or guide. Somehow... We are told... He/She/They is with us all the time, inside us even, and we are to be aware of that. We are told that this is a fact, however we feel. So, along with our often-faulty internal compasses, our consciences, we also have another guide, one who can bring peace and comfort and, who is, I imagine, trustworthy. Providing it is the Creator God we are talking about (The Creator God being kind of important). Given that God is supposed to be inside us, you might wonder why we are so often prone to making some quite catastrophic mistakes and treat others so badly. But that is because of ‘the enemy’ and his/her/their/its evil plans.

It is a fact that I am not currently using my walkie-talkie and that I am finding it difficult to refer to the map. I think, at this point, I’ve thrown the walkie-talkie into some soggy ditch. The map is so complex and not terribly helpful. I am not finding it terribly helpful, even when people post their favourite portions of it online in memes. But I know the map fairly well and have always been reasonably good at reading maps, from when I was a child, sitting in the back seat of the car with my brother and offering directions.

Of course, there are many maps. And there are many types of walkie-talkie (and channels and recipients of the messages).

Don't think that the survival kit is for the believers alone. Well, think what you like, but try not to express it at dinner parties. There are other things which people use to direct their lives. Like common sense. Or the declaration of human rights. Or a favourite self-help book. The road less travelled...

All kinds of plastic bags are handed out to all kinds of people. Each one believing that their map and walkie talkie are the best. As AI might say 'It is up to the individual to decide which map is the most accurate'.

And for those who eschew all maps and walkie-talkies? Well, I guess there are always the angels to protect from the pummelling rain and the saturating cold.

Maybe that’s all any of us really have anyway. A kind angel to be on our side through our life journey. To keep our personal demons far from us so that we don’t even have to listen to their uncaring voices.

Goodness knows that so many forces are not on our side in any meaningful way.

Like death himself, who is not entirely reasonable or helpful, whether we come to terms with him or not. And who does not seem to care about our various walkie-talkies, maps, shelters or plastic bags.

Maybe something else is hidden at the bottom of the bag? Like a shiny hope in Pandoras Box or something? Or a 1 terabyte memory stick containing a more helpful online map that everyone apart from us must surely know about? And the link to some more useful resources beyond mere words and stories...

I'm not sure if or when I will read my map or use my walkie talkie again (or try to dig it out from the ditch). The resources and provision given to most of us are, I feel, very threadbare.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 304 - Not praying, but still writing

 

Although I may have stopped praying, I haven’t stopped writing. Earlier this year, in the first months after my brother died, I mapped out a sequel to my parable – The Parable of the Cold Island.

My writing has been very much influenced by Ad’s death… I’m not really sure how any writer can divorce their real lives from their writing lives.

Above is the cover for the new publication (my first physical book since 2018).

Since the pandemic, for some reason, I have found it very hard to read. I have read some books, but these have only been short, including short stories. I was surprised to find that I’m not alone and that a lot of people now struggle to read anything of any length. I’m not quite sure of the reason for this – maybe it was because we were so much in survival mode during the pandemic and reading felt like a luxury many of us didn’t have. It became hard to concentrate.

So, I have written a short book. I’ve been working on it since February and it will be published at the start of December.

As with all parables, there is more to it than the surface story. I will leave it for readers to figure out.

It will be published as a physical book, an ebook and an audiobook.

(There will be no Halloween story this year, but you should be able to find a lot of them on this blog under October for the past ten years.)

The new book is dedicated to my brother and his partner.

Day 297 - Where is my God?

 

Apparently, I’m heckling God.

A Christian told me so. I had been unaware that my blogs were interrupting God's sermon or speech, but now I know. Perhaps I am lucky not to get thrown out of the audience? And beaten up down some alley?

The reaction from other believers towards my prayer strike has been mixed. A lot of them are very understanding and are kind towards me. That is much appreciated. But then there are others who are less than happy with what I’m doing (or, more accurately, with what I’m not doing). Reactions vary from, 'You should pray continually!' through to a downright antagonism, as if my ‘not praying’ is somehow so totally against the party line that I’m, in fact, the enemy. The believer who said I was heckling God went on to say that I have become God's enemy (which was news to me). Kinder people tell be to express my feelings to God but I see no reason to continually restate them to the Almighty. I'm not God's enemy, but that doesn't mean I have to like the things he does (and doesn't do).

I don't think, before this, that I had been even aware of the pressure to pray. But it is there, either through pressing circumstances, wars, pandemics, earthquakes or Popes and Archbishops telling everyone that they should pray. It’s like a kind of mental torture - 'Pray, damn you!'. My respect for those who choose not to has increased significantly (even if I did the same for my first 19 years).

And, of course, when there is ‘big trouble’ © in the world, the Popes, the Archbishops and the believers tell everyone to pray (and if that doesn't work, ‘pray more and pray harder’). I'm pretty sure it’s the only plan of most faith leaders.

We have just had a pandemic and some earthquakes and now we are straight into more war. When is God going to give us a break? Of course, no-one blames God for the latest war (surely he is innocent?). Even my calling for a ceasefire last week set some people off. Choose a side, are you a mod or are you a rocker?

'I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse.'

That's in the Bible, in the context of talking about the nation of Israel and there are actually people who put their entire prosperity (and the non-prosperity of others) down to that scripture. I've read some of their blogs and listened to their interviews. They genuinely believe they get bonus points with the Almighty if a country supports Israel. And if a country does not.... then Judgement and Wrath!

God would do that. He’s so obsessed.

They actually divide countries up into 'sheep' and 'goat' nations. You can probably guess who the goodies and who the baddies are. So, of course, the UK and the US must be sheep nations because they (at least vocally) support Israel. And all those goat nations just happen to be our political enemies. Russia, China, Iran. Funny how our enemies are always the goat nations isn't it? So much nationalism and political pride and religion all mixed together in one potent, intoxicating brew. I am no longer sure that the UK is a ‘sheep nation’ in any meaningful sense, apart from the fact that people like me are sheeple. I think we are probably a goat nation. Or maybe an ibex nation. Because we don't do the right thing and our Government doesn't look after its poor and vulnerable and we’re not even very good at looking after each other, are we?

Britain is a goat nation. Well, some of us happen to like (and even feel like) goats so don't feel as if I'm talking the country down.

It's one hell of a plan and solution... 'Pray'. The entire blueprint to a future vision, surely (a vision which our leaders seem to noticeably lack)? Society, and civilization, it seems to me, are threadbare and not very good at functioning in a crisis. Sneak in one night and unlock the secret archives at the very top of the faith institutions and it wouldn't surprise me if you found a golden filing cabinet with a top-secret file in it and a tiny piece of paper revealing their big plan and vision for humanity!  And scrawled in a spidery text by a nervous hand....

 

Top secret:

Plan A… Pray?

Plan B… Pray?

Plan C… Run away.

 

Our shepherds could surely do no more than make their plans for us?

But I wouldn't want to heckle the Almighty…

Baaaa… 

Day 290 - A call for a ceasefire

 

Well, I haven’t prayed for Israel, despite my wish that there would be peace there (and here and elsewhere). I’m not sure that violence is a terribly effective strategy for either side.

The Israeli war operation is actually called ‘Swords of Iron’ – and the irony is that despite the so-called convictions of many writers and journalists, many will still join their pen with the sword of one side or the other. So much for the pen being mightier than the sword, eh? All I’m saying at this point is that maybe there are other solutions than simply killing the enemy? At least prayer is non-violent, but shouldn’t both sides be prayed for? There should, at least, be a ceasefire. A blessing on both their houses. But who listens to moderate voices anymore?

My brother would sometimes boycott Israeli goods, similarly exasperated by the whole situation, I guess. We didn’t agree on Middle-Eastern politics. There was adversity on that issue. Another testy situation, allowed by a testy God. I’m not praying for it unless it escalates into World War III.

I had a dream about my brother last night.

When he died, I had expected my dreams (which are not usually very sweet anyway) to be quite tumultuous as my unconscious dealt with it all. What surprised me was how banal my dreams became. In fact, they were notably forgettable. If there were something really important that I needed to deal with in my waking life, it was not repeated in my dreams.

My dreams are almost always Kafkaesque. By which I mean that it is very rare for me to dream about anyone being friendly towards me. They tend to be full of people and things that want to harm me in some way. Often there are huge conspiracies, and a few recurring themes.

But as I say, in the immediate days after my brother died, my dreams became absolutely unremarkable.

And, there were no dreams of my brother. So last night's dream was unusual. And he was friendly with me. 

I will always remember a childhood dream with my brother in it and him being on my side in the dream against the monsters. It was memorable simply because so few of the characters in my dreams are benevolent.

It’s rare for someone to be nice to me in dreams or nightmares.

 

They say that God can speak through dreams, but if that is true, I wonder why so many of us have so many nightmares. It seems as if it is not just God and our subconscious which can speak through our nightmares, as so many can be so horrific. I have learned the trick of averting my ‘dream eyes’ when there is extreme gore in a nightmare and weirdly that works for me. Try it. But often there is an extreme body-horror far worse than the horror movies that I sometimes still watch.

 

‘A brother is born for adversity.’

 

This is in the Bible. Whether nightmare monsters or waking monsters. I always wanted Ad to feel I was on his side. I did not feel that we were born for adversity in terms of fighting each other (though sometimes we did), but that we were to fight greater adversities together. Whether this be the latest Government nastiness or other things. Of course, we were not able to fight the cancer together, though I tried to be on his side through it all, even when his language became affected by the aphasia which turned his talk to gobbledygook. It must have been so hard for him. The aphasia was not something any of us expected and was so unhelpful, causing huge confusion and misunderstandings. Language pretty much left him at the end. That must have been so hard.

How do you fight death together, knowing that death will win in the end? Fascinating as it is, it is still an enemy in my mind. It's real enough and hardly fair, is it? Worse still, who is on our side when we fight it? Not everyone. Four legged friends surely are… maybe? Love may be as powerful as death, but in many ways, death wins.

Worse still, all the believers who go around saying God has defeated death. Yes, but for whom? For himself. Great. He hasn't defeated death yet in any meaningful way for us. And no one here gets out alive. Go God.

 

It’s not the only thing God gets the praise for which he hasn't even done yet.

People tend to praise someone for something after an event. Oh, but not the Almighty, he wants the praise right now. And none of the blame. Not for death, or cancer, or wars… or anything.

It's a waking nightmare.

And just another reason for me to continue to give him the silent treatment.

That’s not war, that’s just a not-talking thing.

Still, maybe there should be a ceasefire all around.

The pen should be mightier than the sword (and not join with the sword).

Your voice matters.

Day 283 - Is prayer fair?

 

I wonder how fair prayer is.

If you think about it, it is a kind of popularity contest in some ways. If you are a leader of a country or a celebrity, then you are likely to get a lot of prayers. But if you are relatively unknown, then there is not going to be much prayer support is there? So a famous preacher, who is ill, is likely to get a lot more prayer than… say someone like my brother, who was not famous.

During the latter part of the brain-cancer, I tried to organise some prayer support. This was when I believed that prayer was a lot more efficacious than I do now. Ad was always very open to people praying for him. He wasn’t one of those people who found the whole idea offensive and a kind of secret invasion of privacy or human rights. However, he was also very honest in any feedback. “It’s not working,” he would often say.

Alongside looking for medical trials, I tried to organise a prayer campaign and got my brother on church prayer lists and a friend even kindly organised a Mass to be said for him. I even emailed the faith healers, but I wanted to spare Ad the worst of that because so many faith healers are unaccountable and their success record is not always as great as they claim it to be. Some of them are simply dodgy.

And, of course, before I stopped praying – I prayed for him.

If prayer is dependent on the number of prayers you get, then is it any wonder that our kings, queens, politicians, celebrities often thrive and live life to the full? But if you are relatively isolated, or if you do not know many believers, then who is going to pray for you? It isn’t fair if the efficacy of prayers is based on the number of people praying them. Hopefully, you would think that the Almighty might take this into account. But who knows?

Prayer is supposed to heal. We have some very exciting stories in faith circles about doctors saying things like: “We’ve never seen anything like it, the tumour just disappeared! We can’t explain it.”

However, in my brother’s case, the words said by the doctors were: “We’ve never seen anything like it, the tumour has grown back faster than we have ever seen!”

It was a kind of miracle in reverse. An elcarim.

And I am so sick of miracles in reverse.

My belief in prayer remains, I suppose. After all, I wouldn’t be on a prayer-strike if I did not believe that prayer, in some way or form, did not do things which we cannot always understand. However, if the flaky church signs are to be believed: ‘Seven days without prayer makes one weak.’ Then I really must be in a bad spiritual state mustn’t I? And I’m not the only one.

I think prayer is a good deed. I’m sure it is more complicated than that, but it is not the most enjoyable thing in the world is it?

On and on they go about how God does not need our prayers. So, why all the manipulations to pray then?

The gods do not need our worship, they have their nectar and ambrosia, so what is the problem?

Prayer is not fair.

Day 276 - Digital legacies

 

Managing my brother’s online presence and accounts has not been the easiest thing. Not everyone thinks of their digital legacy and my brother was one of them. He was not especially privacy conscious – being forgetful of passwords to the extent that I found he had even kept his bank card pin numbers in his wallet.

Many of the accounts I simply closed down rather than informing the website companies that he was no longer living. As soon as I had his Google account and email passwords (the main ones in my brother’s case), I was able to access most of the social media and online accounts. The Tell Us Once service had largely done its job in informing most of the Government departments that he’d died. But I always knew that Ad was much more than just his National Insurance or Government Gateway number. I’m not sure that the Government departments did.

He wasn’t hugely into his tech, unlike me, and resisted any urges to buy crypto or have lots of online accounts. He had those he needed for his work and a few for listening to music or watching things he was interested in.

The email account password was perhaps the most useful thing and the thing I would recommend for people to store and share with loved ones (along, I suppose with your master password and maybe Google account password). I still check the Outlook email and unlike with his redirected post, he will still get emails every day. A lot of them are junk or scam emails from people who really do not care if you and I are alive or dead.

I also manage his website, as I did while he was still alive. He would give me exact instructions of how he wanted everything set up – which images went where and what text to put in. I did all this out of love, wanting to support him. When I suggested I design a logo for him he was apologetic in refusing me – telling me that he really didn’t want to be like every other artist. That idea was scrapped.

I didn’t go around digging into his browsing history after he died. If I had wanted to, I could have seen his whole online life on Chrome, but I thought it best to delete all the searches. I’m pretty sure he never did anything particularly illegal or dubious.

Mostly he would leave scraps of canvas around with written ideas and phrases to go with his art. I already knew he could write, although he had problems with some of his punctuation. So, he would incorporate the writing into his art and I think this worked. He also wrote some poetry and simple phrases which he found interesting. He was a man who followed his interests deeply.

When I was a boy I had similar interests to him, I guess because I looked up to him, and he would always call me a copycat for being interested in reptiles and amphibians too. But because we shared so many of the same interests, it was fun to go on adventures and search for animals. He was interested in computer games as a child, but I remember I was the one who was more interested in that. I once wrote a book of reviews of the games I liked and even swapped much of my coin collection with my brother… in exchange for computer games. He was always the wiser one.

I often think of digital legacy now. All the emails and messages which come through every day and which, to an extent will continue after we die. They just carry on as normal, leaving a red dot telling you that they need to be dealt with immediately (known to advertisers as one of the most effective hooks… and to consumers as ‘the tyranny of the red dot’). Most of them are not particularly important. I check my mobile as much as anyone though, so I’m not going to start going on about screen time. I’m just saying that when you die, all that doesn’t stop, it’s just that click-throughs and replies tend to decrease somewhat.

The website is remaining. I intend to continue to promote my brothers work, if I can. Some of us creatives put some hope in posthumous success, if we have not been as successful as we would have liked in our lifetimes. But it often does not happen. We have to live with that fact. We have our own lives to get on with, but I will try not to neglect my brother’s art.

Take care of your digital legacy.

Day 269 - Promises

 

It feels to me as if God’s promise of comfort to those who grieve may as well be a promise of discomfort. Goodness knows he seems to allow more discomforting things than comforting ones.

 

As Tracy Chapman sang:

If not now, then when?
If not today, then
Why make your promises?
A love declared for days to come
Is as good as none.

 

There isn’t that much more to be said. I am back at work, after the summer break. I am increasingly having to care for my mum who has Parkinsons Disease and who is still grieving as much as I am.

I am still not praying. As I say, I envision these prayer strike blogs to continue to 25^th December – the day my brother died. After that I will stop writing about the topic unless something significant happens. Writing a weekly blog is not always easy and often I simply do not have the time. However, I will carry on until Christmas and then after that will go into other topics as well. Perhaps God will breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the end is in sight and he doesn’t have to tolerate any expression of grief from me?

I had wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year when I first started writing these blogs. As it happens, and possibly due to a minor miracle, I have decided not to do that. Not necessarily because Christ has answered my prayers – in fact despite the fact that Christ has not answered my prayers. ‘The Believer Who Would Not Pray’ – it is probably a good title for a book. I’m not saying that after Christmas I am going to start to pray again. In fact, if there is no answered prayer then I have no intention of doing so. However, I will stop being so vocal about it. I will stop trumpeting the fact that I am not praying.

I have not particularly planned beyond that. If there is any miracle or answered prayer then even if it happens next year, I will let you know about it and I will let you know if I start praying again beyond the sporadic, brief and rare prayers that I have made this year (I have, I think, spoken to God three times in ten months. Which he is lucky to have had.)

I wish I could report that God has comforted me since the death of my brother. I have not gone out of my way to discomfort myself, although I have had to be aware of the fact that I may be punishing myself for the whole thing. However, the ways for God to comfort me have been wide open and yet so few opportunities have been taken by the Almighty. So, I am remaining a believer despite God’s broken-promises.

I suppose a promise is not necessarily broken if it is delayed. But for how long does it have to be delayed before it becomes so utterly meaningless? A promise is a promise and should not be conditional on the faith or doubt of the one to whom it is made. It either happens or it does not, doesn’t it?

And so far, it hasn’t.

Day 262 - AI wants me to pray

 

Here follows a short dialogue I had with a generative AI tool (Google Bard), including the prompts I wrote…

Should a Christian ever stop praying?

No, a Christian should never stop praying. Prayer is a vital part of the Christian faith. It is how we communicate with God, express our love and gratitude to Him, and ask for His guidance and help.

The Bible teaches us that we should pray constantly. This means that we should always be open to talking to God, no matter what we are doing or where we are. We can pray silently or aloud, in our hearts or out loud. There is no right or wrong way to pray.

Prayer can be a difficult thing to do, especially when we are going through tough times. But it is important to remember that God is always with us and He wants to hear from us. When we pray, we are not just talking to ourselves. We are talking to the God of the universe, who loves us more than we can imagine.

So, no, a Christian should never stop praying. It is a powerful tool that we can use to make a difference in the world.

Do you pray?

I do not pray in the traditional sense. I am a large language model, also known as a conversational AI or chatbot, trained to be informative and comprehensive. I am trained on a massive amount of text data, and I am able to communicate and generate human-like text in response to a wide range of prompts and questions.

I do not have a personal relationship with God, so I do not pray in the same way that a Christian or other religious person might. However, I can understand the importance of prayer to many people, and I can generate prayers based on the user's input. For example, I can generate a prayer for a specific religious text, such as the Bible or the Quran, or I can generate a prayer for a specific occasion, such as a wedding or a funeral.

Write me a prayer from someone who is extremely angry and disappointed with God. How might such a person pray to God? Write a useful prayer.

Sure, here is a prayer from someone who is extremely angry and disappointed with God:

‘Dear God,

I am so angry with you. I am disappointed in you. I feel like you have abandoned me.

I have prayed to you for so long, and I have never felt like you heard me. I have asked for your help, and you have not answered.

I have seen so much pain and suffering in the world, and I don't understand why you allow it. I don't understand why you don't do more to help people.

I am so angry, God. I am so disappointed.

But I am also here to say that I still love you. I still believe in you.

I know that you are a good God, and that you have a good plan for the world. I just don't understand it right now.

I am asking you to help me to understand. I am asking you to help me to forgive you. I am asking you to help me to find peace.

I know that I am not the only one who is angry and disappointed with you. There are so many people who are hurting, and who don't understand why you allow it.

I am praying for them too, God. I am praying that you will help them to find peace and hope.

I know that you are a loving God, and that you want the best for us. I am trusting you, even though it is hard.

In Jesus' name, amen.’

This is just a sample prayer, and you can customize it to fit your own feelings and experiences.

I’m too angry with God to pray that… If you don't pray, you are not practicing what you preach are you? What do we call someone who does not practice what they preach?

Yes, if you don't pray, you are not practicing what you preach. So, if you are telling people that they should pray, but you are not praying yourself, then you are being hypocritical.

The word you are looking for is ‘hypocrite’. A hypocrite is someone who pretends to be something they are not. In this case, a hypocrite would be someone who tells people that they should pray, but they themselves do not pray.

Here are some other examples of hypocrisy:

A politician who promises to fight corruption, but then gets caught taking bribes.

A religious leader who preaches about the importance of love and compassion, but then treats people with cruelty...

At this point I shut down Google Bard as it seemed to have zero self-awareness. I do not know if I will ever pray the prayer it wrote.

Day 255 - Brief, unresolved talks with God

 

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

(From ‘Good Omens’)

 

I may have said another prayer.

Despite thinking about how unfair God seems on the whole (I mean, why create so many literal demons and then even give them the ability to read)?

I did pray though. A few months back, rather than have it out with the Almighty I prayed and simply stated that I am extremely angry with him. I didn’t really want to fight. And so, my latest brief prayer was:

“God, I am very disappointed with you.”

Which, I thought, at least was honest.

I think of the usual cliches: “God will never disappoint you.”

Well, there’s another lie right there.

Cliché monger: “Even if you feel disappointed, it won’t be God’s fault.”

Getting a little more honest about wanting to keep the image of God as pristine as a polished golden apple.

Meme: “God always keeps his promises.”

But at what point in time can a promise be said to be… unkept?

Again and again and again I wonder what the point of sharing the gospel is if we are telling people that they can live their life to the full, but are not doing so ourselves. They say that life is found in the sharing of the gospel itself, but I don’t think that is true. So why promise a freedom rarely felt? We’ve got to practice what we preach. Many believers assert that they really are living life to the full and I’m not sure I have the right to doubt what they say. I can never know. I just know that I am not. That isn’t the only reason for the disappointment. I’m now disappointed in God’s reaction to my telling him that I am disappointed with him! Hence I’m blogging about it.

As the atheists darkly say.

“It’s almost as if he’s not there, isn’t it?”

Unless it really is a test.

Test or not, it is deeply disappointing. But I did say another prayer and initiated a brief dialogue once again. I have no doubt that this does not make me the better person. But olive branches from the Almighty always seem few and far between and I think it better to offer one of my own.

There have been no further deeply negative life events since Ad and his partner died. But life has not been calm and there have been many troubles. Most significantly, there have been no particularly notable positive life events. Well, you could say that I am not being grateful and counting my blessings enough, and perhaps there is a little truth in that, but I must have missed the bit where prayers finally got answered. Maybe I’m not listening hard enough. But a human being naturally listens to Heaven via their circumstances.

So, it seems to me that there is only one socially acceptable way for a believer (or, incidentally, a non-believer) to grieve, and I can assure you that this is not it. Because it is not what people want to hear. If the atheists are right then it would explain a lot of things.

But I am not convinced that they are living life to the full either.

I should just lie for the sake of the great cause. I should just say that God is great and he is showering me with love and blessings and I’m living life to the full and all the demons are running away at the very sound of my voice.

But if I said that, I would be lying for a cause which, if it is true, should be able to function just dandy without resorting to dishonesty.

 

Day 248 - Trouble with the Boss

 

I have never really had trouble viewing God as a boss. It has always been quite a helpful analogy to me, especially because my earthly career has been a little… disappointing so far.


I’ve sometimes viewed God as an editor – that has been helpful. To give him a little credit (before I go into the poor working conditions), I have to make it quite clear that as a Boss, I have not really felt that God is very insistent on results. By which I mean that I have rarely felt that a condition of employment is based on my performance – especially in terms of winning souls. Which is just as well, because I can assure you that I’m not very effective at winning souls. Not to my knowledge.

There are scary scriptures like: “No one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Yes, thanks for that… boss, Lord, whatever.

Because, of course, mental health problems often leave you feeling you are not entirely… fit.

Work conditions are important. Even in matters of faith. If your ‘boss’ is not treating you well, what are your options?

Well, the options are pretty clear:




1.       Keep your head down, work even harder in the hope of finally pleasing your employer
2.       Pack in the job and get one with a half-decent boss – no-one needs unnecessary trouble
3.       Assert your complaints in a meeting and demand adequate working conditions
4.       Strike
5.       Take it all out on the other employees

Maybe you can think of some other options. But I’ve opted for options 3 and 4. Option 2 is tempting. I’m trying to resist option 5. Option 1 is just madness.

Now, a good boss would be willing to listen in the event of an employee complaint and also in the event of a strike. There would be procedures in place within the… business. A particularly bad employer would simply sack the disgruntled employee and hire someone else, depending on their management style.

But in Christianity there is no union. Everyone wants to please their commanding officer – hey, that’s even a scripture. We’re like soldiers having to fight in a war we know so little about. Everyone wants to please the boss. Me too in all honesty. But not at any price.

It does suggest that the boss can be pleased. Something which is difficult to know when he is in his office, relatively isolated from the troubles and pains of those outside (especially when he has decked out his office to make it VERY comfortable).

And the only way of knocking on the door? Prayer. And even then, it is more like lifting up a telephone for a one-sided conversation and getting put on hold through a myriad of angels delegated with whatever tasks they have been assigned. Bless them.

Well, they say that there are only two spiritual workplaces anyway. That may be a bit simplistic, but it is memorable. The Kingdom of darkness and the Kingdom of light. Two businesses. Great.

And the employees can make a decision to move from one to the other at will, depending on how content or discontent they are with present conditions.

However, the question remains – how will my heavenly Boss deal with my strike? Will he simply tolerate it? Will he ignore it? Will he concede to my demands or simply send me off for further disciplinary procedures?

Inquiring minds need to know.

Because so far – he simply appears to be largely ignoring the prayer strike. Although not completely. Maybe I will go away and shut up?

Or maybe I’m going to kick up a (relatively) holy fuss about all this for as long as I physically can…

Day 241 – Not really waiting for xmas

 

I'm drinking coffee from a Christmas themed mug. It reads: ‘Festive AF’ and has a little picture of an xmas tree. I have avoided these particular mugs up until now. And I'm aware that my view of Christmas may have deeply changed.

I don't want Christmas to be cancelled in my house just because my brother died on the 25^th December. Most years I was very conscious of those who had lost loved ones around that time and would say a couple of prayers for them. But I fully get it now. It’s going to be a struggle. For me, it is all wrapped up with my feelings towards God for allowing my brother to die on the same day we are supposed to be celebrating life and birth.

I don't even feel I have the luxury to deal with it in any meaningful way at the moment. I just know that I don't want to cancel it here.

But I don't think that Christmas is ever going to be the same again.

“I believe there is a reason that Adam died on Christmas day,” the celebrant had said at my brother’s funeral.

Well, what is it then? Just an irony that a day which should be filled with such joy, which is supposed to be about joy and birth has now become about death to me? And here is a birthday present for Christ. Don’t bother bringing any cakes to the office, God.

A few years ago, I had written a parable – saying it was the most important parable I’ve ever written (and it is an important parable). It’s called ‘The Parable of the Cold Island’. I needed a metaphor to use for what I was trying to say but I leave the whole thing up to the intelligence of any readers. I chose Christmas as the metaphor. It sounds twee, but I was happy with the analogy because it worked on a number of levels.

I have now written a sequel and am planning to publish both of the parables together later this year – with 25^th December as the deadline. I keep the central metaphor, but the new parable has been influenced by life events. It is called The Parable of the Cold Island – Part 2. It goes into the events after the first parable.

It is unlikely to be a trilogy, even though that is a neat format. Any Part 3 will have to be written by history itself.

Above is the draft cover for this new piece of writing. I’m working on other projects, but this will be the next one to be released. It’s the first new thing I will have published since my book of short stories ‘Parables’, apart from the Halloween short stories (which I’m probably stopping, having written them for ten years).

So, I’m trying to acclimatise myself to drinking out of Christmas-themed coffee mugs. Call it exposure therapy. I simply do not see how any of us can avoid it anyway.

If you are interested, you can read the first Parable of the Cold Island here.

It’s a relevant riddle.

Day 234 - Love cats

 

Proving how shite life is being towards me - when I went for a walk, I actually got splashed on the pavement by a car going through a puddle. I was not happy and I swore. What a loser I felt.

This tiny incident is illustrative of a bigger picture. I think I had hoped that life’s excesses might back-off in these circumstances. But this does not seem to have happened. It’s like a very bad sermon.

‘God will never let you down’. But it is as if your perspective on that issue doesn’t count. Many people feel let down by God.

Unless God is going to claim that he has been showing practical love through family and friends then there is no way that I can honestly say that he has helped much these past months. Although I will give him this – when I went to visit my brother and his partner’s grave last weekend there was a friendly cat perched on a nearby gravestone as if guarding them and waiting. The cat was so affectionate and I was happy it was there. It was a bit of a godsend for an emotionally difficult day.

I was pleased that the cat was there. But the comfort of cats has its limits. A cat is not going to cut it.

'Oh, all that time, and I never realised that You were right there beside me. You were carrying me, like… like in the Footprints poem! Oh Lord! Oh, how blind I was! Oh, mighty Lord! You are so very Glorious.'

That's what I think he wants me to say, except not in a mocking way. Except it's not exactly true, is it? Hence the brief mocking. I feel I’m largely being left to cope with the grief as best I can. And that is not always coping very well. I feel I’ve been left to stew.

The correct response is not to write a series of blogs about how you have given up prayer in protest towards your great Boss in the sky. That is not an acceptable reaction in certain circles. And yet here those blogs are, challenging God to practice what he preaches and answer our prayers. Because if he does not practice what he preaches then we have a pretty fundamental problem here don’t we?

For example, the Bible says the following (and let’s use the King James Bible to make it doubly scary)…

“Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)

I’m going to suggest that those involved with this scripture are going to have to practice what they preach on that one and lead by example, especially in the context of answering prayers. Now some can say, ‘God can do whatever he wants’ and surely that would please him and earn them some more brownie points. But he can’t can he? If he does not practice what he preaches, given that he has access to all the resources in the universe and ultimate power, then we face a pretty major practical problem don’t we? If he behaves hypocritically. Well, nothing is impossible for God, he can break rules – but why choose the issue of practicing what you preach to prove this? Why only prove that nothing is impossible for you in the bad things?

Unless it’s a test.

‘Thou he slay me, yet shall I trust him’.

No. We’ve got another problem here if he/she/they (whatever pronoun you like) thinks that slaying me metaphorically or physically is somehow going to increase my level of trust for him/her/them. That goes for anyone who tries to ‘slay’ me. It does not endear them to me. I will call the police and might forget my pacifist sympathies in the moment (and then repent of any self-defence at my leisure).

What are we anyway – toys?

The picture above is of the sweet cat which seemed to be waiting near my brother’s grave.

Ad, like myself, loved cats.

Day 227 - Is God unconditional Love or not?

 

It occurs to me that these blogs and my reaction to my brother’s death reflect on the character of God. That I am painting an inaccurate picture of the Almighty with my words. That right now – I’m effectively, perpetuating a myth.

In the Old Testament, God often acts angrily and is changeable in character. In the Gospels, Christ is rarely angry and his actions are full of love and mercy. However, in the Book of Revelation, God seems to regress and is back to being capricious again (and doing angry, violent things).

But if God's anger has been fully satisfied by the past events at Calvary, then why do so many Christians talk about God's coming wrath?

I'm increasingly thinking that the gospel is not good news if God really is nurturing an inner, seething wrath. It is only good news if God really is unconditional Love and not prone to the acts of anger detailed in the Book of Revelation and too much of the Old Testament. I had always maintained that Christ is, as he said, the image and character of God – and that he acted in a kind and loving way, unless you want to caricature him. That this is one of the evidences that God is good.

I think it must be a test. A test as to which god you believe in. And I am so tired of tests…
And what does incessant testing say of the character of God anyway?

I'm starting to hope that God really is unconditional Love.

But if that is true, then I don't think God would get angry for people going around saying he is an angry God either. He would just find it extremely irritating, wouldn’t he?

The good news of the gospel is supposed to be that God so loved the world that whoever believes in him will not perish but will have everlasting life. There is a condition there, but, when push comes to shove, the only condition is to believe.

If God is not Love then this is simply not good news. Because a perpetually angry God is one of our worst fears, isn't it? It’s one of the fears which we need saving from.

What I have found is that a lot of Christians go around saying, “Yes, God is Love, but he is also just”. Which is fine, and I go along with that. But then they go ahead and talk about how that aspect of justice within his character is also a good reason for God to be so relentlessly angry with so many. As if he is nursing an inner wrath which can never be placated (never mind satisfied). When questioned further on this they often say, “I don't think you understand how incredibly ‘evil’ sin is and how it MUST be punished by a just God” (leading many non-Christians to reply, “I think ‘sin’ must just be everything that God doesn't like…”.)

I have the same fears that the Almighty is less than loving, and I’ve expressed them here. But I don't think I go so far as to say that any portrayal of an angry God is, in fact, the real gospel. Even though, I guess, I am guilty of perpetuating the same myth (should it be a myth) – of an angry, unreasonable, unkind god. It is just that the evidence from life for this is so persuasive… and, incidentally, from much of the Bible. Brothers dying before their time do not help. Unanswered prayers do not help.

Yet a wrathful God is a bit of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not seeking another 'violent no-one', no matter how powerful they are. Sure, I can, at times, be deferential to those with power (and anger) on this earth – but must I also obey powerful spiritual entities?

I think I want to know the truth.

Of course, if I go along with this hope that the Almighty is unconditional Love then I have to recognise that it is this character who I am so angry with because of my brother’s death. And if that is true – how would this character react to me and you?

Let me guess…

Angrily?