Day 248 - Trouble with the Boss

 

I have never really had trouble viewing God as a boss. It has always been quite a helpful analogy to me, especially because my earthly career has been a little… disappointing so far.


I’ve sometimes viewed God as an editor – that has been helpful. To give him a little credit (before I go into the poor working conditions), I have to make it quite clear that as a Boss, I have not really felt that God is very insistent on results. By which I mean that I have rarely felt that a condition of employment is based on my performance – especially in terms of winning souls. Which is just as well, because I can assure you that I’m not very effective at winning souls. Not to my knowledge.

There are scary scriptures like: “No one who puts his hand to the plough and looks back is fit for the kingdom of God.”

Yes, thanks for that… boss, Lord, whatever.

Because, of course, mental health problems often leave you feeling you are not entirely… fit.

Work conditions are important. Even in matters of faith. If your ‘boss’ is not treating you well, what are your options?

Well, the options are pretty clear:




1.       Keep your head down, work even harder in the hope of finally pleasing your employer
2.       Pack in the job and get one with a half-decent boss – no-one needs unnecessary trouble
3.       Assert your complaints in a meeting and demand adequate working conditions
4.       Strike
5.       Take it all out on the other employees

Maybe you can think of some other options. But I’ve opted for options 3 and 4. Option 2 is tempting. I’m trying to resist option 5. Option 1 is just madness.

Now, a good boss would be willing to listen in the event of an employee complaint and also in the event of a strike. There would be procedures in place within the… business. A particularly bad employer would simply sack the disgruntled employee and hire someone else, depending on their management style.

But in Christianity there is no union. Everyone wants to please their commanding officer – hey, that’s even a scripture. We’re like soldiers having to fight in a war we know so little about. Everyone wants to please the boss. Me too in all honesty. But not at any price.

It does suggest that the boss can be pleased. Something which is difficult to know when he is in his office, relatively isolated from the troubles and pains of those outside (especially when he has decked out his office to make it VERY comfortable).

And the only way of knocking on the door? Prayer. And even then, it is more like lifting up a telephone for a one-sided conversation and getting put on hold through a myriad of angels delegated with whatever tasks they have been assigned. Bless them.

Well, they say that there are only two spiritual workplaces anyway. That may be a bit simplistic, but it is memorable. The Kingdom of darkness and the Kingdom of light. Two businesses. Great.

And the employees can make a decision to move from one to the other at will, depending on how content or discontent they are with present conditions.

However, the question remains – how will my heavenly Boss deal with my strike? Will he simply tolerate it? Will he ignore it? Will he concede to my demands or simply send me off for further disciplinary procedures?

Inquiring minds need to know.

Because so far – he simply appears to be largely ignoring the prayer strike. Although not completely. Maybe I will go away and shut up?

Or maybe I’m going to kick up a (relatively) holy fuss about all this for as long as I physically can…

Day 241 – Not really waiting for xmas

 

I'm drinking coffee from a Christmas themed mug. It reads: ‘Festive AF’ and has a little picture of an xmas tree. I have avoided these particular mugs up until now. And I'm aware that my view of Christmas may have deeply changed.

I don't want Christmas to be cancelled in my house just because my brother died on the 25^th December. Most years I was very conscious of those who had lost loved ones around that time and would say a couple of prayers for them. But I fully get it now. It’s going to be a struggle. For me, it is all wrapped up with my feelings towards God for allowing my brother to die on the same day we are supposed to be celebrating life and birth.

I don't even feel I have the luxury to deal with it in any meaningful way at the moment. I just know that I don't want to cancel it here.

But I don't think that Christmas is ever going to be the same again.

“I believe there is a reason that Adam died on Christmas day,” the celebrant had said at my brother’s funeral.

Well, what is it then? Just an irony that a day which should be filled with such joy, which is supposed to be about joy and birth has now become about death to me? And here is a birthday present for Christ. Don’t bother bringing any cakes to the office, God.

A few years ago, I had written a parable – saying it was the most important parable I’ve ever written (and it is an important parable). It’s called ‘The Parable of the Cold Island’. I needed a metaphor to use for what I was trying to say but I leave the whole thing up to the intelligence of any readers. I chose Christmas as the metaphor. It sounds twee, but I was happy with the analogy because it worked on a number of levels.

I have now written a sequel and am planning to publish both of the parables together later this year – with 25^th December as the deadline. I keep the central metaphor, but the new parable has been influenced by life events. It is called The Parable of the Cold Island – Part 2. It goes into the events after the first parable.

It is unlikely to be a trilogy, even though that is a neat format. Any Part 3 will have to be written by history itself.

Above is the draft cover for this new piece of writing. I’m working on other projects, but this will be the next one to be released. It’s the first new thing I will have published since my book of short stories ‘Parables’, apart from the Halloween short stories (which I’m probably stopping, having written them for ten years).

So, I’m trying to acclimatise myself to drinking out of Christmas-themed coffee mugs. Call it exposure therapy. I simply do not see how any of us can avoid it anyway.

If you are interested, you can read the first Parable of the Cold Island here.

It’s a relevant riddle.

Day 234 - Love cats

 

Proving how shite life is being towards me - when I went for a walk, I actually got splashed on the pavement by a car going through a puddle. I was not happy and I swore. What a loser I felt.

This tiny incident is illustrative of a bigger picture. I think I had hoped that life’s excesses might back-off in these circumstances. But this does not seem to have happened. It’s like a very bad sermon.

‘God will never let you down’. But it is as if your perspective on that issue doesn’t count. Many people feel let down by God.

Unless God is going to claim that he has been showing practical love through family and friends then there is no way that I can honestly say that he has helped much these past months. Although I will give him this – when I went to visit my brother and his partner’s grave last weekend there was a friendly cat perched on a nearby gravestone as if guarding them and waiting. The cat was so affectionate and I was happy it was there. It was a bit of a godsend for an emotionally difficult day.

I was pleased that the cat was there. But the comfort of cats has its limits. A cat is not going to cut it.

'Oh, all that time, and I never realised that You were right there beside me. You were carrying me, like… like in the Footprints poem! Oh Lord! Oh, how blind I was! Oh, mighty Lord! You are so very Glorious.'

That's what I think he wants me to say, except not in a mocking way. Except it's not exactly true, is it? Hence the brief mocking. I feel I’m largely being left to cope with the grief as best I can. And that is not always coping very well. I feel I’ve been left to stew.

The correct response is not to write a series of blogs about how you have given up prayer in protest towards your great Boss in the sky. That is not an acceptable reaction in certain circles. And yet here those blogs are, challenging God to practice what he preaches and answer our prayers. Because if he does not practice what he preaches then we have a pretty fundamental problem here don’t we?

For example, the Bible says the following (and let’s use the King James Bible to make it doubly scary)…

“Therefore to him that knoweth to do good, and doeth it not, to him it is sin.” (James 4:17)

I’m going to suggest that those involved with this scripture are going to have to practice what they preach on that one and lead by example, especially in the context of answering prayers. Now some can say, ‘God can do whatever he wants’ and surely that would please him and earn them some more brownie points. But he can’t can he? If he does not practice what he preaches, given that he has access to all the resources in the universe and ultimate power, then we face a pretty major practical problem don’t we? If he behaves hypocritically. Well, nothing is impossible for God, he can break rules – but why choose the issue of practicing what you preach to prove this? Why only prove that nothing is impossible for you in the bad things?

Unless it’s a test.

‘Thou he slay me, yet shall I trust him’.

No. We’ve got another problem here if he/she/they (whatever pronoun you like) thinks that slaying me metaphorically or physically is somehow going to increase my level of trust for him/her/them. That goes for anyone who tries to ‘slay’ me. It does not endear them to me. I will call the police and might forget my pacifist sympathies in the moment (and then repent of any self-defence at my leisure).

What are we anyway – toys?

The picture above is of the sweet cat which seemed to be waiting near my brother’s grave.

Ad, like myself, loved cats.

Day 227 - Is God unconditional Love or not?

 

It occurs to me that these blogs and my reaction to my brother’s death reflect on the character of God. That I am painting an inaccurate picture of the Almighty with my words. That right now – I’m effectively, perpetuating a myth.

In the Old Testament, God often acts angrily and is changeable in character. In the Gospels, Christ is rarely angry and his actions are full of love and mercy. However, in the Book of Revelation, God seems to regress and is back to being capricious again (and doing angry, violent things).

But if God's anger has been fully satisfied by the past events at Calvary, then why do so many Christians talk about God's coming wrath?

I'm increasingly thinking that the gospel is not good news if God really is nurturing an inner, seething wrath. It is only good news if God really is unconditional Love and not prone to the acts of anger detailed in the Book of Revelation and too much of the Old Testament. I had always maintained that Christ is, as he said, the image and character of God – and that he acted in a kind and loving way, unless you want to caricature him. That this is one of the evidences that God is good.

I think it must be a test. A test as to which god you believe in. And I am so tired of tests…
And what does incessant testing say of the character of God anyway?

I'm starting to hope that God really is unconditional Love.

But if that is true, then I don't think God would get angry for people going around saying he is an angry God either. He would just find it extremely irritating, wouldn’t he?

The good news of the gospel is supposed to be that God so loved the world that whoever believes in him will not perish but will have everlasting life. There is a condition there, but, when push comes to shove, the only condition is to believe.

If God is not Love then this is simply not good news. Because a perpetually angry God is one of our worst fears, isn't it? It’s one of the fears which we need saving from.

What I have found is that a lot of Christians go around saying, “Yes, God is Love, but he is also just”. Which is fine, and I go along with that. But then they go ahead and talk about how that aspect of justice within his character is also a good reason for God to be so relentlessly angry with so many. As if he is nursing an inner wrath which can never be placated (never mind satisfied). When questioned further on this they often say, “I don't think you understand how incredibly ‘evil’ sin is and how it MUST be punished by a just God” (leading many non-Christians to reply, “I think ‘sin’ must just be everything that God doesn't like…”.)

I have the same fears that the Almighty is less than loving, and I’ve expressed them here. But I don't think I go so far as to say that any portrayal of an angry God is, in fact, the real gospel. Even though, I guess, I am guilty of perpetuating the same myth (should it be a myth) – of an angry, unreasonable, unkind god. It is just that the evidence from life for this is so persuasive… and, incidentally, from much of the Bible. Brothers dying before their time do not help. Unanswered prayers do not help.

Yet a wrathful God is a bit of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm not seeking another 'violent no-one', no matter how powerful they are. Sure, I can, at times, be deferential to those with power (and anger) on this earth – but must I also obey powerful spiritual entities?

I think I want to know the truth.

Of course, if I go along with this hope that the Almighty is unconditional Love then I have to recognise that it is this character who I am so angry with because of my brother’s death. And if that is true – how would this character react to me and you?

Let me guess…

Angrily?

Day 220 - Sadmin

 

Dealing with my brother’s affairs continues to be difficult. He didn’t leave a will and that has made things twice as hard to organise.

It has been a steep learning curve for me. The hardest were the immediate months after my brother died in which we had to get the death certificate and make sure that all of his possessions were out of his rented house (which was some distance away) while I had a painful arm. A painful arm is not necessary during this time. I still have things to move from his studio and to deal with a lot of his other affairs.

I’m not sure what I can say that would be helpful to anyone going through a similar thing. Some weeks I would be spending a lot of the time on the phone and writing emails informing people about Ad’s death. It was important to have more than one copy of the death certificate.

The people on the other end of the phone and emails tended to be dedicated bereavement teams and, on the whole, they were sympathetic. ‘I’m sorry for your loss’, they would always begin and usually they were considerate.

The learning curve for me was in finding out how things worked. Especially the legal side. Some things were counterintuitive and seemed strange to me. The numerous laws and policies regarding what happens when a family member dies. I questioned the wisdom of many of them.

So, I printed off a sheet and tried to tick through each task one by one, from arranging to get a death certificate through to dealing with my brother’s digital legacy. I still do not have access to his Facebook page. I was, and to an extent, still am, not in a state in which it is easy to organise my thoughts and all of the things which I had (and have) to do. Without the loving support of my wife, family and friends, I would have been flailing.

Some companies were better than others. Tesco had good policies – they even went so far as to transfer my brother’s Clubcard points across to us. I’m not sure why my brother, never well off, didn’t use his Clubcard points. His phone company EE also had a very kind policy in which they waived the right to demand the rest of the money for his phone purchase tariff. I found such things encouraging.

Other places were more difficult to deal with. I struggled (and am still in the process of closing down my brother’s bank accounts) – the banks seemed to make it deliberately hard. All the time I would find myself getting stuck on some AI chatbot which simply refused to put me through to a real person. None of them wanted me to physically write to them beyond sending them identity documents.

The Government’s ‘Tell Us Once’ service was okay and better than nothing, but didn’t seem to stop Government related post (which was redirected) from coming through. HMRC are being particularly unhelpful and demanding repayment for a tax credits overpayment. A council tax overpayment also had to be repaid. The irony is that my brother kept scrupulous records of his self-employed art business, even keeping every single receipt. I think he feared that the tax people would penalise him if he did not defend himself in every way possible. They still want money – of which my brother had very little. Where the other organisations showed practical compassion, the Government liked to stick to the letter of the law and pursued their legal rights, down to asking for owed pennies back. One bill was for £1.63p.

Getting access to my brother’s Google account and email were the most helpful things and I am savvy enough to manage most of that. He still gets scam emails every day. There is no point trying to unsubscribe from them as it just alerts the scammers that the account is still active and they would send more.

I still have so much to do and at times it is difficult and frustrating. It is not something which someone who is grieving should have to deal with. They call it sadmin – literally sad admin. It’s time consuming and onerous.

The main thing that I have found helpful is to break each task down into smaller tasks and to keep a file of all the things that I have to do. And to take breaks, simply for my mental health.

I always felt sorry for grieving families who kept getting post and email to their dead relatives. But it happens so regularly that, for me, in the context of all the other things that have to be done, I’ve simply got used to it.

Of course, my faith has an influence on real life matters and real life events have an influence on my faith. They are not separate compartments. And, as ever, I am often appalled by what God allows. It really is ongoing. The prayer strike, the sadmin… all of it.

If the Government, including the tax office, really is under God’s control, as the Bible says, then he needs to make them repent.