Day 365 - An obscure grief observed... one year on

 

Today, while most people are attempting to enjoy their Christmases, I will be in survival mode.

My faith remains. I am not sure if I will pray today though. Perhaps I should write a prayer here, to wrap up these prayer strike blogs neatly, like a swimmer wraps themself in a towel after a long, cold swim.

I have been disappointed by God for so many reasons this year. But I do still believe there is a God to be disappointed by. Promises of comfort have yet to come true. I suppose the lip service from the Bible is a small comfort in and of itself. It is better than nothing.

I remain sore with God and am certainly still angry with the devil - that figure who so many, so frustratingly, do not believe in. It seems to me that half of the trouble is recognising the true source of so many of the evils in this world, only to be thought naive, mad (or worse) for even believing in evil personified.

People like to hear stories of those who overcome adversity, but I'm not sure life is that neat or uniform. Many people don't overcome things - it just doesn't make the news. Others seem to only want to appear as if they have overcome things.

I'm still not really able to say: 'God gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord'. What's the point anyway? But I have prayed a little and maybe I could be able to pray, 'Thank you God, for my brother's life'. Well, maybe I could... if God were to finally answer some of my past prayers! It seems to me that God gets a lot more than he gives when it comes to prayer. They say he doesn't want to stop our fun, or embarrass us, but I'm not sure about that. That hasn't been my experience.

What have I learned this year? I guess I've learned that I don't need to pray, but that it is, or should be a voluntary thing, despite the many pressures there are to pray. I don't need to talk to God.

So, I'm not sure how I will spend today. It certainly will not be in prayer. I will maybe light a candle and get on with the usual things I have to do, I guess.

So this is it. This is the end of my prayer strike blog swim. If anything ever gets resolved (or gets worse), I will mention it here, but the weekly 'river swim report' ends here. The prayer strike itself is continuing until there is some resolution. I just won't be trumpeting my lack of prayer.

I would like to thank those who read my blog, I know it has not been an easy read this last year. So, thank you.

And the question now is, do I end all this with a prayer?

No.

I think Sondheim quotes are more pertinent...

"It's called flowers wilt,
It's called apples rot,
It's called thieves get rich and saints get shot,
It's called God don't answer prayers a lot,
Okay, now you know.

You're right, nothing's fair,
And it's all a plot,
And tomorrow doesn't look so hot —
Right, you better look at what you've got:
Over here, hello?
Okay, now you know."