Day 255 - Brief, unresolved talks with God

 

“God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.”

(From ‘Good Omens’)

 

I may have said another prayer.

Despite thinking about how unfair God seems on the whole (I mean, why create so many literal demons and then even give them the ability to read)?

I did pray though. A few months back, rather than have it out with the Almighty I prayed and simply stated that I am extremely angry with him. I didn’t really want to fight. And so, my latest brief prayer was:

“God, I am very disappointed with you.”

Which, I thought, at least was honest.

I think of the usual cliches: “God will never disappoint you.”

Well, there’s another lie right there.

Cliché monger: “Even if you feel disappointed, it won’t be God’s fault.”

Getting a little more honest about wanting to keep the image of God as pristine as a polished golden apple.

Meme: “God always keeps his promises.”

But at what point in time can a promise be said to be… unkept?

Again and again and again I wonder what the point of sharing the gospel is if we are telling people that they can live their life to the full, but are not doing so ourselves. They say that life is found in the sharing of the gospel itself, but I don’t think that is true. So why promise a freedom rarely felt? We’ve got to practice what we preach. Many believers assert that they really are living life to the full and I’m not sure I have the right to doubt what they say. I can never know. I just know that I am not. That isn’t the only reason for the disappointment. I’m now disappointed in God’s reaction to my telling him that I am disappointed with him! Hence I’m blogging about it.

As the atheists darkly say.

“It’s almost as if he’s not there, isn’t it?”

Unless it really is a test.

Test or not, it is deeply disappointing. But I did say another prayer and initiated a brief dialogue once again. I have no doubt that this does not make me the better person. But olive branches from the Almighty always seem few and far between and I think it better to offer one of my own.

There have been no further deeply negative life events since Ad and his partner died. But life has not been calm and there have been many troubles. Most significantly, there have been no particularly notable positive life events. Well, you could say that I am not being grateful and counting my blessings enough, and perhaps there is a little truth in that, but I must have missed the bit where prayers finally got answered. Maybe I’m not listening hard enough. But a human being naturally listens to Heaven via their circumstances.

So, it seems to me that there is only one socially acceptable way for a believer (or, incidentally, a non-believer) to grieve, and I can assure you that this is not it. Because it is not what people want to hear. If the atheists are right then it would explain a lot of things.

But I am not convinced that they are living life to the full either.

I should just lie for the sake of the great cause. I should just say that God is great and he is showering me with love and blessings and I’m living life to the full and all the demons are running away at the very sound of my voice.

But if I said that, I would be lying for a cause which, if it is true, should be able to function just dandy without resorting to dishonesty.