I’ve prayed a little more. It is largely from a feeling of compulsion and a sense that God will not be manipulated (and certainly will not be publicly manipulated). I figure it is probably self-defeating to carry on with these blogs. Because even if I got my prayers suddenly answered, it would set some kind of spiritual precedent and soon anyone who read any of this would be ceasing from prayer until God capitulated. And I’m guessing that isn’t allowed by Heaven.
But I will keep writing weekly here until xmas, if only to have a record of this year and the way in which grief has had an influence on the remains of my faith. As I say, I do still believe, but I am very unhappy with the way things have gone. This year has been so difficult… so hard. Kind people keep telling me that things will get better with time. That is always helpful and appreciated. So far, I’ve been to three funerals this year, including my brother’s. I don’t want to go to any more for a while. I really do not like funerals anyway. I fail to see how they help most people to process their grief. I would be happy not to have a funeral when I die. I think it would spare people a lot of unnecessary hassle. But society is such that it is expected.
Inevitably, I’ve been thinking about death a lot this year. Hot on the heels of the pandemic, it is very hard not to. As I say, I’m brave enough to admit being afraid of death. I wish i didn’t think of it so often because it doesn’t help much. There are so many reminders of it though that it is hard not to. We should think of angels and things like that... After all, you would think angels would be kind and gentle, wouldn't you? Unlike the angel of death - Azrael, or whoever it is supposed to be.
Sorry, I guess I’m reminding you of death too now.
I’m sitting writing this in the building of my
workplace. It is a huge building, kind of metallic with a lot of ducts, like
something out of Terry Gilliam's 'Brazil'. I don’t mind the place so much
now, although it can be a bit clinical and impersonal. As ever, educational
buildings just get bigger and bigger the older you get. The Christmas
decorations here have been up for a while. Notably, a picture of Russell Brand
got replaced by a Christmas tree in quite an impressive piece of airbrushing,
following the recent accusations.
By the 40ft Christmas tree, which has no tinsel, just
huge baubles and lights, there are two Christmassy
toy nutcracker soldiers, standing like giants. I don’t mind them so much and
they are here every year. They remind me of Hans Christian Anderson's tale of
the steadfast tin soldier. That’s actually quite an interesting story because,
in it, the protagonist doesn’t actually do anything at all (apart from not
running away). Things just happen to him. The soldier isn’t very proactive. But
maybe there is something to be said for keeping your position, neither
retreating or advancing.
I think the main thing is just to say that yes, I
have been praying a little. Nothing much has happened as a result. Maybe I’ve
just got to keep my place for now? At least until the 25th December…
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