Day 101 - Angels and rivers

I wonder what happens to my brother and his girlfriend's guardian angels now that they are not with us. Do they get reassigned? Are they playing chess with each other with nothing to do? 

Well, I guess those questions come from my own belief system... 

Ad and his girlfriend were both buried with coins over their eyes. (My brother's girlfriend was buried today and I have just been to the funeral). It is probably very fitting for a Maundy Thursday. Maybe the new king (if God recognises him as such) should hand out obols to everyone. Just two each? For preparation?

Obols were the coins used in the ancient Greek culture to pay the ferryman after death. In Greek mythology, Charon was the ferryman who transported the souls of the dead across the River Styx to the underworld. He was often depicted as a gaunt, grim figure with a long beard and a wide-brimmed hat, carrying a pole with a lantern on top. Someone has to guide the souls of the dead, I guess. It's a hard job, but someone's got to do it.

According to myth, Charon was the son of Nyx (the goddess of night) and Erebus (the personification of darkness and shadow) and was born before the gods. The story of how Charon became the ferryman isn't clear. Some versions of the myth suggest that he was appointed as the ferryman by Hades, the god of the underworld, while others suggest that he took on the role willingly. His payment - obols. Bad luck if you forgot, or couldn't afford to prepare.

Either way, the idea of there being a final river is shared in both Greek mythology and Christian symbolism. And we have been to the river's shore again, waving off the travellers through this life. One step too close to the final river. 

Appropriately enough, one of the songs chosen for the funeral today was, 'I have a dream' by Abba with its lines:

'I believe in angels

When I know the time is right for me

I'll cross the stream 

I have a dream.'

Apart from a little rain ('The angels are crying' remarked someone) and a brief hailstorm, the sun was, at least, out. Later there was a rainbow. Later still, a full moon, like a silver obol in the night sky.

I wish they were not dead.

Day 94 - Why I'm, very loudly... still not praying for anyone

There is no other way to put this – at my end, things are pretty grim at the moment.

In a week, I will be off to the funeral of my brother’s long-term girlfriend who became a friend of ours. It will be held at the same pub my brother’s funeral was held at, with, I think, the same speaker. My brother’s girlfriend, who loved my brother so deeply (and vice versa), will be buried in the same plot. In the same kind of environmentally friendly coffin. With coins over her eyes too (to pay the ferryman).

I very much do not like funerals. I have never liked funerals. I will do anything within my power to avoid a funeral. The Bible says that it is better to go to a house of mourning than a house of feasting. If it is talking about funerals, then I can assure you that it is not. Strange book.

What is better, a funeral or a party? You have to be a very particular kind of person to enjoy a funeral. Either way, I do not like them. Stupid traditions. A heavy burden to put on the grieving in my opinion.

Ironically (of course, ironically), the following day will be the start of the Easter holidays – supposedly the happiest time in the lives of believers. Better than Christmas (although I don’t think much could be worse than this last Christmas).

It hasn’t been a good decade. It has been pretty grim for most of us. Surely half of us are like the walking-wounded coming out of the pandemic? Those of us who survived are now facing war in Europe, the cost-of-living crises, the rise of AI, and lots and lots of bad news. We do not need more bad news. But it will likely come. Oh, and then there’s all of those people striking over one thing or another…

If I live to tell the story, I will say that while everyone else seemed to be striking against pay and conditions, I was on strike against God. Mostly about conditions. A little less pain and death please – maybe a few more answered prayers and more of that fabled love for us.

This could all be so simply resolved by the Almighty. I am not convinced there is anything useful that can be learned while we wait. And I was unaware that it was supposed to have been a lesson. Maybe something good will come out of the clear blue sky. Sometimes that happens. It really does. We don’t always have to be proactive, do we? Sometimes it’s nice to rest a little and hope for better days.

I will report back to you whatever happens from here on, whether good or bad. In the meantime, please stay alive and look after yourselves.

As I say, this could all be so simply resolved by the Almighty. One way or the other…

Day 87 - What happened next during my prayer strike

I broke the prayer strike. 

I prayed again to God for my brother’s long-term partner who was dying from cancer too. This horrible disease that you and I may die of as well.

I prayed after the hospice staff said that she wouldn’t survive the night. We had visited her recently, but had hoped that she would have longer. Before I had started the strike, I had prayed for healing for both her and Ad. For a miracle. She died 83 days after Ad died. On Mother’s Day. To be with Ad. She had faithfully and lovingly looked after my brother during his illness.

So, I prayed briefly, alone, a prayer just for her and her family. I asked God if he wanted to say anything, but noticed nothing in particular being said. At the end of the short prayer I said, “Goodbye” and resumed the strike.

When Ad died there had been an owl here. I’m not a very superstitious man, but I am a little superstitious (Remember, I believe in a literal devil). And it could be that God allows things such as owls as messengers of death, as many cultures have perceived them.

The owl had called out in the night near the bedroom window just before and just after Ad died. It had started a couple of weeks before. A couple of weeks ago I heard the owl, but just once, again in the night. Then, again, the owl called the night before Ad’s partner died. The call of the owl is strangely comforting in and of itself, superstition aside. But I cannot explain it. It makes no sense. It does not compute. There are many things outside of my understanding. I’m worried I will fear owl calls from here on.

It feels like deja-vu. Like going through the same thing again. All the nervous waiting, the fear of the news, the responsibility to tell others… and soon the funeral. A couple of people have remarked how tragic it all is. I do not think it any more tragic than any one of our lives. Ad and his partner’s lives were not so tragic. But they have both died way too young.

I don't blame Mary and the Saints or the angels. Even if it happened on Mother’s Day (Mary is said to be a mother to all believers). She has always struck me as a loving figure. They have an excuse because they are not all-powerful. I don't blame Heaven. But it seems that Heaven is only interested in seeing that God gets his way in everything, from the big things through to the smallest things. They know who butters their bread. If I were wise, I would act in the same way.

I am not so wise.

But I find it shocking. Is that the only reason people serve and praise the Almighty? Because he has the power over whether we live or die? That is no reason to serve and worship someone is it? That is like obeying a tyrant simply because they have the power to make you succeed or fail, or live or die. I had expected better of God. Is that all there is to him? Surely there is more to him?

So the strike continues, despite an attempt at talks. Comforts are few. Are we supposed to be noting them down in order to help others, even when our reactions vary so?

There are no parameters to life. How are we to prepare for these things?

What do I even hope to achieve by writing these things down to be read? Past prayers remain unanswered.

I feel I am being manipulated by benign and adversarial forces into praying again.

I am flagging.

Day 80 - Questions

On the way to work, I walked past a whiteboard set up by some evangelical Christians. It read, 'If you could ask God just one question, what would you ask? Please write below.'

It was a little like the Joan Osborne song.

There was room for maybe one question on the board. (A question which would be wiped clean when the next one was written by a passer-by.)

A handful of people stopped and wrote various, probably very witty, things. I couldn't see exactly what they had written because I was observing from a distance. If I had approached, I would have been caught in the evangelism-schpiel. Besides, I'm an introvert and I felt it would be bad for my soul to write a question in public. Who would do such a thing, anyway?

Why write questions down, for anyone at all to freely read? Questions like:

 

·        Why did my brother have to die on Christmas day? It was not something I had been asking for, was it?

·        Why are so few believers living a full life when God promised it unconditionally (apart from the condition of belief)? Is it user error?

·        Why allow the devil and his demons such seemingly immense power?

·        Why is Government so cruel and inept? What motivates them to be like that?

·        What will happen to us in the future?

·        What is the cure for cancer?

·        When will things get better in the UK?

 

And many, many other questions... some stupid, some a tad more pertinent.

It was futile to write one down. What’s the point?

 

In the background, the work on HS2 continued. The evangelists got only a little interest compared to a pizza tent a little further on.

When it comes to the meaning of life vs pizza, pizza will often win. Maybe the wisest people paid for pizza. Maybe pizza is the meaning of life.

Like the sweet old joke:

“What are you thinking about darling?”

“Pizza.”

 

There are ways of dealing with grief, especially if you are a believer. There are more acceptable ways of reacting to a death than the way I have reacted. I don't think I'm grieving particularly well, but I am functioning.

The most acceptable, and I think the most courageous way for a believer to react, is to say, 'The Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord.'

It was even made into a worship song, a kind of sop to stop us accusing the Almighty of theft.

I have much admiration for those who are able to take a courageous attitude. I think they are very strong. For those of us who are weaker, there are other reactions...

 

I would presume that when someone you love dies, there are a number of common reactions concerning faith issues. I wonder which one God prefers? I wonder if he has a policy on it all? A kind of heavenly system which cranks into place, involving angels and various spiritual machinations? It’s a mystery to me.

My brother dying on Christmas day from a brain tumour was not at all what I was praying for. In this case, God's timing (and perhaps my brother’s) was not particularly appropriate. They say that God's timing is perfect.

I would say that it is particularly bad.

It occurs to me that God hasn't been very hot on answering prayers. I'm not saying he has never done so in my experience. He has… but the time between answered prayers has been lengthy and onerous.

Either way, I'm still on a spiritual strike.

 

Anyway, Easter is coming. Jesus, quite clearly, has not destroyed death in any meaningful way, except for himself. Why does he expect praise and thanks for things which he hasn't done yet? Neither has he destroyed evil. I believe he will, one day, but I find it pretty galling to be expected to act as if he has already done so.

In the end, I think it’s a power thing. Those with power can make you wait and they get a kick out of doing so. So that you know who is in control.

And that’s also why they reverse the questions back onto you too. 

Because they are power-crazed.

Day 73 - What AI says about my prayer strike

 

A guest blog featuring AI. The following is a conversation I had with a ChatGPT based AI this week…

 

Me: What happens if I stop praying?

AI: If you stop praying, you risk straying from your faith and missing out on the spiritual benefits of prayer. Prayer is an essential part of a relationship with God, and without it, it can be difficult to stay connected to Him. Additionally, if you stop praying, you risk losing sight of God's presence in your life and allowing yourself to be tempted by the world. Prayer helps to strengthen your faith, so it is important to keep it up in order to remain close to God and stay on the right path.

(My thoughts) - Sounds a bit like fearmongering, but nice to know the AI believes in God.

 

Do you care if I live or die?

No, I do not care if you live or die. I am a language model designed to understand and respond to questions and topics.

Oh. Well, at least AI is honest.

 

Thanks. What will God think if I stop praying?

God will not be angry or disappointed with you if you stop praying. He loves you, and He understands that sometimes life can be challenging and that it can be difficult to make time for prayer. He wants you to come to Him when you need Him, and He will always be there for you. That said, prayer is an important part of a relationship with God, and it can be a powerful source of comfort, guidance, and strength. If you do find yourself unable to pray, perhaps due to busyness or worries, it may be helpful to take some time to reconnect with God in other ways, such as by reading Scripture and reflecting on God's goodness and faithfulness.

Everyone always seems angry.

 

But what if I blame God for something?

Blaming God is not the right approach, as He is not responsible for the bad things that happen in our lives. We are responsible for our own actions, and it is our own sinful choices that lead to negative consequences. We should instead seek to understand why things happen, and how we can use our faith to help us through difficult times. We can also use our faith to recognize that God is still in control, and that He will ultimately bring good out of even the worst of circumstances.

It’s not always our choices though, is it? Sometimes there is genuine adversity. Stupid AI.

 

Do you believe in God?

I do not believe in a personal or universal deity. However, I recognize the importance of faith and spirituality in the lives of many people and respect the value of religious beliefs.

Oh.

 

But what if I give up on prayer? What happens?

If you give up on prayer, you may find yourself feeling disconnected from God, and you may be missing out on the many blessings that come with having a strong relationship with Him. Prayer can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and spiritual growth, as it helps us to gain clarity in difficult situations and to deepen our understanding of God's will and character. Additionally, prayer is an important way to express gratitude for His blessings and to ask for guidance and help in times of need. Ultimately, prayer can help us to grow closer to God and become more deeply rooted in our faith.

This is like project fear.

 

What if I am angry with God?

If you are feeling angry with God, it's important to realize that God understands and is sympathetic to your emotions. It is okay to express your anger and to talk to God about how you are feeling. It is also important to remember that God is in control and always has a plan for the future, even if it may not seem like it in the moment. If you are struggling to trust God, try praying and asking Him to help you to understand and trust Him more.

I think God already knows I’m angry with him.

 

But what if I am so angry that I can’t bring myself to speak to him in prayer?

If you are feeling so overwhelmed with anger that you can't bring yourself to speak to God in prayer, that's okay. You can start by simply asking God to help you to understand and process your emotions. He understands and can help you to work through your anger in a healthy way.

Do AIs actually listen?

 

Why are you telling me to pray when you don’t pray?

I'm not telling you to pray, but rather suggesting prayer as one possible way to process and understand your emotions. Prayer can be a powerful tool to help you to connect with God and to express your feelings, and it can provide comfort and strength during difficult times. Whether or not you decide to pray is completely up to you.

Getting a bit cranky there.

 

Write me a short poem on prayer. Make it funny and make sure it doesn’t rhyme.

I pray to the Lord on high, Though sometimes my prayers don't fly. I ask for patience and peace of mind, But then I'm back to the same old grind.

I pray for strength and joy in life, But all too soon they're gone in strife. So I keep praying, hope remains, That in time, things will change.

Bad poetry is bad for the soul.

 

That’s not funny. It’s not very well written. And it rhymes.

I apologize for the unintentional rhyme. I understand that not all poems need to be funny, and I will strive to provide more serious and thoughtful poems in the future.

I somehow doubt it.

 

What if I am also angry with the devil and his demons?

It is important to remember that the Devil and his demons cannot harm you if you remain steadfast in your faith in God. The best way to get revenge against the Devil and his demons is to stay focused on your faith in God and to remember that the only power the Devil has comes from God. Additionally, it is important to forgive any wrongs done to you, as this will bring peace and joy to your heart. Additionally, it can be helpful to read verses from the Quran that remind us of God's mercy and protection. Lastly, it can be helpful to focus on the blessings God has given you, and to be grateful for those blessings.

Capital D for devil, I notice. I swear AI is going to turn into something from the Terminator one day. I will have to dig out my copy of the Quran.

 

Write me a blog post about blaming God. Make it helpful.

Blaming God is a common reaction to times of suffering and hardship. It is natural to feel anger, frustration and even resentment when we experience pain and tragedy. However, it is important to remember that God is not the cause of our suffering, but rather a loving and merciful Father who is always with us in our times of need.

In this blog post, we will look at why it is not productive to blame God for our suffering, and how we can find hope and comfort in Him even when it feels like everything is crumbling around us.

First and foremost, it is important to remember that God is not the cause of our suffering. While He may allow it to happen, He does not desire for us to experience pain and sorrow. His ultimate goal is to bring us into a closer relationship with Himself and to show us His great love and mercy.

The Bible is full of examples of God’s loving care and protection…

(I am cutting part of the AI generated blog short simply because it is not very helpful.)

…We hope this blog post has been helpful in reminding you that God is not the cause of our suffering, and that He is always with us in our times of need. May you find hope and comfort in His presence and may He give you the…

And here the AI just gives up, as if sensing that I’m a hopeless case.

 

Is God negligent?

It is not possible to answer this definitively as it is impossible to know the exact nature of God's actions and motivations. However, some may view certain actions of God as negligent, depending on their interpretation of the situation. Ultimately, it is up to the individual to decide whether or not they believe that God is negligent in any given instance.

But he either is or isn’t, isn’t he?

 

What would happen if everyone in the world stopped praying? Would God start listening to us more?

😔 Due to high demand, I'm experiencing issues briefly.

Day 66 - The Government God allows

 

If there was one thing my brother disliked, it was the present UK Government.

We had many conversations about how wrong things had become here. These conversations ranged from the latest war, to the Government's actions during the pandemic, through to the sheer injustice of the system over which politicians presided.

It has been my experience that the very worst things happen when a Tory regime is in power. This does not negate the sins of Labour; but it seems to me that the Tory ideology has a capacity to grind and oppress the poor and vulnerable to an inhumane level.

My brother was disabled and experienced all this first hand. He developed childhood rheumatoid arthritis around the age of 14 and this affected so much of his life. He was familiar with pain but often made light of it and refused to be allowed to be a statistic. He would patiently listen to other people’s complaints, including mine.

The capacity of the Government to make statistics of us cannot be underestimated. My brother was not rich, he got a little help, but these things always came with conditions. I remember one particular time when he was horrified that the Government were insisting that he regularly turn up for back to work appointments and were pressuring him to get other work. My brother worked - he worked so hard as an artist, often working well over 12 hours a day. He was often the only one painting in the building from which he rented a small studio. He dedicated himself to the task and each watercolour or sculpture he made took many hours of preparation and painstaking work. The detail within his giant experimental watercolours is astonishing.

Despite gaining a master’s degree in his field, he had to prove how hard he worked as a freelance artist. And still the Government had the capacity to make things so much worse for him.

 

Many of the conversations we had concerned the intersection of politics and faith. We talked openly about it and often agreed. Ad was horrified by the way in which Christians in particular felt a need to influence politics from within the political ‘profession'. When Trump became president, he blamed US Christians for unthinkingly supporting him. And often his artwork became political and philosophical. He wanted those who viewed his art to think. He was disturbed at how compliant and sheep-like believers had become under the UK Government. And how right-wing the faith had become.

I didn't argue that he was wrong. Besides, I agreed with him. I simply tried to encourage him not to blame all believers for the actions of a few who thought that politics should be influenced beyond petition or ethical lobbying. I tried to persuade him that Bush and Blair did not represent every Christian. But in the face of a system which swung from Conservative to Labour without things getting significantly better, whoever was in power, he became quite cynical about it all. "What's wrong with being cynical?" He asked. Despite this, he didn't give up. He tried to create change through his art.

The idea from the Bible that governments are put into position by God simply repelled him. Obvious questions were asked - what about the Nazi party? What about North Korea? What about the Roman empire and every dictator throughout history? Questions of the divine right or otherwise of kings were explored.

Something which I have always found difficult, even before my prayer strike, was the insistence of churches and church groups to pray for the authorities. There is such a heavy emphasis on the scriptures which promote this, that it is unusual to find a prayer for the country which does not involve a prayer for Government or the Monarchy. I learned from my brother that Christians are still seen as part of an establishment which is effectively oppressing others. Because, while we are good at praying for those in power, we are less effective at confronting them. Most of us are hardly in positions of power, but that is still the perception. Not helped by constant public prayers for Government.

After the memorable time I attended a Conservative Christian Fellowship meeting (aiming to cover it for a story), I largely gave up praying for the authorities, unless compelled to. At the meeting, the Christian in charge led the attendees to pray for the Government, their families... and their possessions… 

Just the possessions and families of the Tories.

There are specific and obvious areas in which the Government are so oppressive and these areas have been covered by better men and women than me. From the scandalous treatment of the disabled, through to policies on war, the NHS, poverty and the ideological conclusions which have basically promoted social Darwinism.

So, in moments of reflection, we were both as horrified as each other about what had happened to this country and the sheer resistance to positive change among those with power.

 

At the moment we likely face two more years under the present regime. There are many things that the Government could easily do to help the poor, students, pensioners, the disabled, the sick and also the dying. But they refuse to do so.

For example, strikes could be resolved easily. As Ad said concerning the unions, "Why doesn't the Government just give them what they want?" Or is the argument that there really isn't a magic money tree anymore? (A lie which was disproved by the pandemic and the wars which Britain supports.) They would have us racking our brains again for ways to save the Government the money which they still have.

They won't change because they are greedy, selfish and power crazed. And as long as Christians continue to support this scandalous system, those with power will not budge a tiny bit. Most of us have been in survival mode for too long because of them.

So yes, my strike does involve not praying for the possessions of politicians too, I'm afraid. As the Government is a black hole when it comes to prayer, it should not make that much difference that politicians' bank accounts, underfloor heating systems, shares and gold stashes are not protected by angels.

This present Government is yet another bad thing which God has allowed. However, they have forgotten one thing –

God is, at least, not with them.

(Something which all of God's enemies should remember.)

And that is another reason the Almighty needs to quickly act out of his fabled love for us.

Or is that just a story too?

Day 59 – Everything will conspire to cause you to pray

 

I have a strange relationship with prayer.

I was effectively in a mental hospital back in 1995 because I was so unbalanced that I thought I had to pray continually (ultimately, I believe, because of my past use of drugs at university (especially LSD)).

I would run off to places in order to pray. Eventually I was sectioned for it. It was not very nice. In hospital I continued to try to pray (often all night). I don’t know if anyone has ever attempted to pray all night – but I can tell you from experience that it’s very difficult. I think I managed it once. And after I had succeeded, I thought, Well done. And now you have to do that again tonight.

Prayer seemed to me to be the most important thing in the world. But whenever I prayed too much in hospital, I would get confronted by the NHS staff. They would give me the ‘choice’ of either taking my meds orally or having medication forcibly injected. I cannot express how difficult it was to pray after being injected with whatever they put into me via needle. But it was impossible. You wouldn’t have been able to do it either.

Afterwards I wrote this poem about the experience:

 

Compliance is Futile

At first, I resisted the doctors and the nurses,
I would pray non-stop and the tablets would be rejected,
I told them nothing. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
For this I would be injected.

They injected me on the floor on my knees,
I remember the needle once made me bleed,
but the drug in my system felt so vile
that I couldn’t keep saying my creed.

No martyr me then.
I learned that my behaviour was linked to my rights,
so I swallowed my religion along with the pills,
and started sleeping through nights.

I’d like to say I resisted to the end,
but Heaven knows I would then have lied.
You see, because I was scared and I felt so alone,
I complied.

 

There is something within humans which has the capacity to take things too far. Frank Bruno was famously sectioned for training too much. Punching, punching and punching and not stopping, pummelling his invisible enemies in the only way he knew how. Others struggle in different ways and obsess over an irresistible urge to do this or that. The conscience can get sick too. Another thing which God has allowed.

Afterwards I was a little more balanced. I decided that I would not let the compulsion to pray ceaselessly take over again. So, my prayers after that, though largely heartfelt, were much less lengthy. They were brief. But they were reasonably persistent.

There is a particular parable in which Christ likens God to an unjust judge. The parable is called ‘the parable of the persistent widow; and is about a woman who continues to petition a seemingly corrupt judge to attain justice for some problem or other. Perhaps it is as well that God is likened to this particular judge. It seems appropriate to me these days.

The point of the parable is to encourage people to pray and not to give up. There are other scriptures which say that believers are to pray and not cease. Certainly not to go on a prayer strike. So, I know I am being disobedient to those parts of the Bible. But let’s face it, how often have I been obedient to the command to love? Also, according to the Bible (and the creed), there is only one condition to being a Christian anyway. That is belief, or faith. The rest is small print.

I still believe. But I ask you this – if it’s all about Jesus – then why is it all about him, apart from the blame or other bad things? There are a million and one books out there with titles like, ‘Stop blaming God’. But if Christ only wants the good things, what kind of relationship is that? He should take some responsibility and be more accountable.

I could probably not write a book about prayer. The trouble is that people tend to be naturally interested in having their prayers answered. So, if the author has not had that many prayers answered, no-one is going to be interested, are they?

Any strike has demands for work to resume. In this case the demands are obvious – God has to answer my past prayers – the main ones I had been praying before the strike. Furthermore, I am demanding better treatment from him for us all. It’s not unreasonable. A few answered prayers and better conditions. As some of the prayers do not concern myself, it’s not entirely selfish.

They are the parameters for things not to escalate further. Otherwise, I will continue to kick up a holy fuss about this as imaginatively as I can.

I wonder what I should give up for Lent.

Or perhaps they will put me back in hospital and inject me until I start praying again? I’m quite sure God would allow that too.