As Christmas approaches, I'm having to learn how to navigate it considering that my brother died on xmas day. It is quite obviously one of those things which is impossible to avoid unless I were to leave the country.
It does seem to me to be quite an easy thing to develop an xmasphobia. A fear of Christmas is actually called Christougenniatikophobia - but it is such a mouthful that it is not surprising that it is largely an unknown word (though, I think the concept is very much known). I can see why so many people who have lost loved ones around this time of the year struggle so much. It is no longer 'the most wonderful time of the year'.
And still ringing in my ears, the words of the celebrant at Ads funeral, 'I believe there was a reason he died on Christmas day.' But as I thought at the time, 'I would like to know that reason. What was it?'
There is not much that I can offer in terms of tips on how to navigate Christmas if you don't like it. I have always, up until now, quite liked it and so I really don't know. Maybe read a good book to escape? I am unsure. I'm not sure which traditions to keep and which to jettison. Should I still send out cards? Should I still do presents and Christmas lunch and the whole social part of it? As ever, it seems like a lot of these things are not entirely voluntary anyway. Xmas pressure.
When they set up the annual Christmas German market in Birmingham, tears filled my eyes as I walked past it. I tried to avoid it at first. It felt a bit like psychological flooding. Face your fears, (whether you want to or not). There simply is no choice, I would have to leave this world to escape from Christmas. And besides, I don't want to never celebrate it again. There are many parts of the season which I still like.
In the hospital last year, I had given my brother a Christmas present, hung in a red Santa sock. It was nothing really, a necklace with a gecko pendant (my brother always a lover of reptiles and amphibians). Really, I just wanted there to be something cheery in the depressing hospital room. I knew at the time that Ad probably wouldn't get to open it. He didn't. His present for Christmas was not what any of us wanted.
I wish I could offer some helpful advice on how those who are grieving at this time of year should navigate Christmas, but I simply do not know. I don't currently feel that I have the luxury to do more than attempt to survive it.
There are only a few more blog entries left of this public yearlong prayer strike. I will leave them as a record of the things I have gone through this first year and my thoughts during this time. I will stop on Christmas day. I guess I will blog on the day itself, if I get the chance, and then my prayer strike will be less vocal. It will not be over, but I will not be blogging about it every week. I haven't really planned much beyond that. Perhaps I will return to the topic now and again as I will keep blogging.
Maybe somebody will find what I have written helpful. I hope so. Either way there will be a record here. I don't think I will try to publish these blogs into book format. There are other things I want to focus on.
So, how has God responded after 11 months of my prayer strike? I can sum that up in two words - deeply disappointingly.
So far…
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