Day 269 - Promises

 

It feels to me as if God’s promise of comfort to those who grieve may as well be a promise of discomfort. Goodness knows he seems to allow more discomforting things than comforting ones.

 

As Tracy Chapman sang:

If not now, then when?
If not today, then
Why make your promises?
A love declared for days to come
Is as good as none.

 

There isn’t that much more to be said. I am back at work, after the summer break. I am increasingly having to care for my mum who has Parkinsons Disease and who is still grieving as much as I am.

I am still not praying. As I say, I envision these prayer strike blogs to continue to 25^th December – the day my brother died. After that I will stop writing about the topic unless something significant happens. Writing a weekly blog is not always easy and often I simply do not have the time. However, I will carry on until Christmas and then after that will go into other topics as well. Perhaps God will breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that the end is in sight and he doesn’t have to tolerate any expression of grief from me?

I had wondered if I would be an atheist by the end of the year when I first started writing these blogs. As it happens, and possibly due to a minor miracle, I have decided not to do that. Not necessarily because Christ has answered my prayers – in fact despite the fact that Christ has not answered my prayers. ‘The Believer Who Would Not Pray’ – it is probably a good title for a book. I’m not saying that after Christmas I am going to start to pray again. In fact, if there is no answered prayer then I have no intention of doing so. However, I will stop being so vocal about it. I will stop trumpeting the fact that I am not praying.

I have not particularly planned beyond that. If there is any miracle or answered prayer then even if it happens next year, I will let you know about it and I will let you know if I start praying again beyond the sporadic, brief and rare prayers that I have made this year (I have, I think, spoken to God three times in ten months. Which he is lucky to have had.)

I wish I could report that God has comforted me since the death of my brother. I have not gone out of my way to discomfort myself, although I have had to be aware of the fact that I may be punishing myself for the whole thing. However, the ways for God to comfort me have been wide open and yet so few opportunities have been taken by the Almighty. So, I am remaining a believer despite God’s broken-promises.

I suppose a promise is not necessarily broken if it is delayed. But for how long does it have to be delayed before it becomes so utterly meaningless? A promise is a promise and should not be conditional on the faith or doubt of the one to whom it is made. It either happens or it does not, doesn’t it?

And so far, it hasn’t.