Day 178 - Six months without prayer

 

In a few days, on the 25^th June (this coming Sunday), it will have been six months since my brother died.

I’m not sure how many tenses I mixed up in that sentence, but you probably understood it.

Just like you probably understand that it takes longer than six months to get over something like this.

I’m likening my prayer-strike to swimming upstream in a river. That’s my helpful simile anyway. Not sure if I will find anything at the source, or if there is even anything there.

I’m probably swimming in the wrong direction anyway.

There have been no answered prayers in these six months, so if God wanted to set an example for anybody NOT to do what I am doing, then he has been very thorough. In minutely, painstakingly, deliberately refusing to answer the prayers which I have already requested of him.

So, as I continue to swim upstream, I am vaguely aware of the things I am supposed to do and the things I am not supposed to do.

I am supposed, for example, to start praying again and testify to how wonderful God has been through it all, even at times when I did not see how very merciful he was being towards me. I am not currently in a position to offer any such statement, but I would be willing to lie if it helped the cause. I am not beyond lying. It’s just that if I start praising God for his patience, mercy and comfort at this point, I don’t feel I would actually be telling the truth. Things have been, and remain, pretty crap.

What I’m not supposed to do is to leave the faith. I’m not doing that either, because I still believe. Although, like others, I have the right to and know where the door is. After all, I’m not getting on with my intrepid leader. But, if you want me to praise God some more, I can offer this…

He’s sometimes a bit of an arse.

I’ll let him carefully ponder that statement in the midst of all the other agenda-less worship he receives from so many. Worship for things He Hasn’t Even Done Yet. Or maybe he would like to bring such deliberately written statements up on judgment day? All the sober, sombre faces can then shake their heads in disapproval.

Well, it’s not judgment day yet. But some of us are already there in our heads…

“Is it true, Nicholas, that on the 22^nd June 2023, you described the Almighty, the Lord God of Hosts, the Holy One of Israel, as ‘a bit of an arse’? Having previously publicly called him ‘a thief’? Answer truthfully now, sinner, because you are in the company of the righteous.”

“No sir, I wrote it two days earlier on the 20^th June in preparation for the blog. I could have said worse. There were mitigating circumstances. I previously used the words ‘jewel thief’. I deleted the whole series of blog entries when the third world war broke out and, by the way, that was really hard to deal with after the pandemic and everything. I think…”

“Enough!”

Well, in all honesty, there will probably be no smart answers from me on that day.

In the meantime, while we all ponder what we may (and may not) get asked come judgment day, I suggest we continue to try to survive.

And I shall attempt to keep you updated on any significant findings or events on my river-journey.