Day 143 - ‘Les choses sont contre nous’

 

 

I had warned God that I would cease from prayer in these circumstances, before my brother died. But I had imagined that God might treat me with more kindness in the event of it happening. I don’t feel he has.

I had imagined that afterwards, the Almighty would make everything a lot easier and that he would command life itself to be a lot kinder and gentler with me. And that past prayers would get quickly answered. And yes, that his big promise, ‘Those who grieve shall be comforted’ would involve all kinds of comfort, including answered prayer.

But that hasn’t really happened. Besides, that promise can’t be true for all, can it? That all those who grieve will find comfort? Some people simply don’t get comforted afterwards, or worse things happen...

The comforts are family and friends and those who are understanding while I grieve. But the discomforts are myriad. My left arm hurts chronically and the doctor doesn’t know why. There still seems to be a ‘conspiracy of things’ in which inanimate objects break down, tear, fall or are simply lost. Resistentialism – yes, there is actually a word for it as well (there is almost always a word for what you are going through). The way things don’t do what you want them to do… and its slogan.

'Les choses sont contre nous’

It means, ‘things are against us’.

And I’m disappointed with God for it all. ‘It is’, as the atheists say, ‘almost as if he doesn’t exist, isn’t it?’ A claim which I can’t really disprove, even if I have evidence and experience to the contrary.

But I AM disappointed with God. For the things which he has allowed and for the things which he has not allowed. I think less of him for it. And for the way it has all happened. I hadn’t been praying for THIS.

And it's a thing, isn't it? Not forgiving yourself after the death of a loved one? I keep thinking of the things I’ve said and done wrong. We’re human beings. Should I punish myself about those things too? Do I forgive myself, God… my brother for going and dying on me? Of course, I’m willing to, but forgiveness is a journey isn’t it, rather than necessarily a one-time event?

Punishing yourself happens, doesn’t it? And there are reasons for it aren’t there? It doesn’t just happen in a void. Besides, if you punish yourself, maybe others will go easier on you.

I don’t feel I’m progressing much.

Anyway, I’m on strike and I certainly do not have to persuade anyone of God’s existence or otherwise (unless I choose to do so).

It has made me re-examine so much. Just how important my faith is anyway. Like a vote for God in a supposed heavenly democracy in which our votes don’t seem to count for much. I’m not sure democracy is all it is cut out to be.

We should take the advice of the character Giorgio from Sondheim’s ‘Passion’.

“These thoughts are bad for you. You must concentrate on everything around you that suggests life. These trees, these flowers, the warm smell of the air.”

And ignore Fosca’s valid reply:

“You make it sound so simple Captain. As if a flower or a tree could somehow make one happy.”