Day 59 – Everything will conspire to cause you to pray

 

I have a strange relationship with prayer.

I was effectively in a mental hospital back in 1995 because I was so unbalanced that I thought I had to pray continually (ultimately, I believe, because of my past use of drugs at university (especially LSD)).

I would run off to places in order to pray. Eventually I was sectioned for it. It was not very nice. In hospital I continued to try to pray (often all night). I don’t know if anyone has ever attempted to pray all night – but I can tell you from experience that it’s very difficult. I think I managed it once. And after I had succeeded, I thought, Well done. And now you have to do that again tonight.

Prayer seemed to me to be the most important thing in the world. But whenever I prayed too much in hospital, I would get confronted by the NHS staff. They would give me the ‘choice’ of either taking my meds orally or having medication forcibly injected. I cannot express how difficult it was to pray after being injected with whatever they put into me via needle. But it was impossible. You wouldn’t have been able to do it either.

Afterwards I wrote this poem about the experience:

 

Compliance is Futile

At first, I resisted the doctors and the nurses,
I would pray non-stop and the tablets would be rejected,
I told them nothing. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
For this I would be injected.

They injected me on the floor on my knees,
I remember the needle once made me bleed,
but the drug in my system felt so vile
that I couldn’t keep saying my creed.

No martyr me then.
I learned that my behaviour was linked to my rights,
so I swallowed my religion along with the pills,
and started sleeping through nights.

I’d like to say I resisted to the end,
but Heaven knows I would then have lied.
You see, because I was scared and I felt so alone,
I complied.

 

There is something within humans which has the capacity to take things too far. Frank Bruno was famously sectioned for training too much. Punching, punching and punching and not stopping, pummelling his invisible enemies in the only way he knew how. Others struggle in different ways and obsess over an irresistible urge to do this or that. The conscience can get sick too. Another thing which God has allowed.

Afterwards I was a little more balanced. I decided that I would not let the compulsion to pray ceaselessly take over again. So, my prayers after that, though largely heartfelt, were much less lengthy. They were brief. But they were reasonably persistent.

There is a particular parable in which Christ likens God to an unjust judge. The parable is called ‘the parable of the persistent widow; and is about a woman who continues to petition a seemingly corrupt judge to attain justice for some problem or other. Perhaps it is as well that God is likened to this particular judge. It seems appropriate to me these days.

The point of the parable is to encourage people to pray and not to give up. There are other scriptures which say that believers are to pray and not cease. Certainly not to go on a prayer strike. So, I know I am being disobedient to those parts of the Bible. But let’s face it, how often have I been obedient to the command to love? Also, according to the Bible (and the creed), there is only one condition to being a Christian anyway. That is belief, or faith. The rest is small print.

I still believe. But I ask you this – if it’s all about Jesus – then why is it all about him, apart from the blame or other bad things? There are a million and one books out there with titles like, ‘Stop blaming God’. But if Christ only wants the good things, what kind of relationship is that? He should take some responsibility and be more accountable.

I could probably not write a book about prayer. The trouble is that people tend to be naturally interested in having their prayers answered. So, if the author has not had that many prayers answered, no-one is going to be interested, are they?

Any strike has demands for work to resume. In this case the demands are obvious – God has to answer my past prayers – the main ones I had been praying before the strike. Furthermore, I am demanding better treatment from him for us all. It’s not unreasonable. A few answered prayers and better conditions. As some of the prayers do not concern myself, it’s not entirely selfish.

They are the parameters for things not to escalate further. Otherwise, I will continue to kick up a holy fuss about this as imaginatively as I can.

I wonder what I should give up for Lent.

Or perhaps they will put me back in hospital and inject me until I start praying again? I’m quite sure God would allow that too.

Day 52 - My strike against the Almighty

Day 52

I think it’s true that we all grieve differently. Since my only brother died from a brain tumour on Christmas day, I have been prayerless. 

They say I should let God know that I’m angry with him. Through prayer.

I’m not doing that. It’s manipulative.

Instead, the temptation for me is to escalate things further and become an ex-Christian.

Except I would be the worse ex-Christian ever because I would still believe. I’m pretty sure I know how to leave the faith, but what’s the point? There are some very lovely ex-Christians. The human rights act says that any person can leave any faith (or presumably return to it). But it’s a bit of a no-no within most faith communities.

There are usually mitigating circumstances in someone making a decision like that. Besides, there isn’t a court of law which will accept a testimony under duress is there? Confessions under torture (even the slow torture of capitalism) are not evidence.

Anyway, my threatening to pack it all in is no more of a threat than anything the Almighty says… except at least I admit it’s a threat. Does that make me the better person?

It’s tempting though. The ex-Christians largely say that they feel much freer now and I would like that too. To feel free. Because that’s just another seemingly broken promise from the Almighty, isn’t it? The truth will set you free. But when?

Maybe in a year’s time I will be like the writer who decided that he was going to try Atheism for a year and will have left the faith by then too? Options are open.

 

Strikes

So the prayer strike continues. I had already effectively stopped taking communion. For me it was all those scary scriptures about taking it unworthily. Now it’s just part of my strike against God. But I’m still going to church online – to me it is one of the picket lines. A good place to stare at crosses.

I’ve been prayerless before anyway. For the first 20 years of my life, I resisted the urge to appeal to a higher power. People do it, or rather… don’t do it… all the time, and they seem to get on with life pretty normally. Some of them even thrive. So what if the majority of my life has been about sporadically trying to communicate with God?

I swear that God has a policy when it comes to dealing with those who have lost loved ones. In that sense we are just another statistic. Way to go, to make us all feel special in a good way…

…I was going to write the word ‘God’ at the end of that last sentence but realised it would have been a written prayer. And I don’t do that anymore.

Maybe he particularly likes the kind of person who turns to him immediately afterwards, thanks him for the person’s life and says something like: ‘You give and take away, blessed be your name, Lord’. Maybe that’s the best way to go about things. To steal away the prayers along with the loved ones.

The thief.

 

Promises

For believers, there are a couple of promises from the Bible here and there which act like a sop. The main one being, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

But I’m, like, “When?” (Once again, without adding the word ‘God’ to the end of the question.)

It's a promise. It’s a little comforting in and of itself, but that’s all. There are a number of promises from the Almighty like that, according to the Christian faith.

But why praise and thank someone who promises to do something before they have actually done it? Few people thank a waiter before they have served a meal.

Giving God the silent treatment has not resulted in much which is particularly good. Am I to count my blessings again? Is giving someone the silent treatment always a manipulation? If God refuses to communicate with a person on earth, is the silent treatment still a sin? Or is it okay, because it’s God who has done (or not done) it? They say that God is always speaking and we don’t stop to listen. But he’s not though, is he? That’s never been my experience anyway.

We learn the silent treatment from others.

So, I’m left with, “Blessed are those who mourn…”

They say that the word ‘blessed’ means ‘happy’.

I wonder sometimes, if I have tumbled into some alternate reality in which nothing is as it should be.

There have already been some moments when I’ve felt I should have prayed. I’ve been in situations and heard some general requests for prayer from others which I would previously have said a brief arrow-prayer for.

Earthquake

In the end, with the earthquake, I felt bad for all those people in that hell on earth. I didn’t pray, but I gave £1. It wasn’t much, but I’m not rich, there’s a cost-of-living crisis still on, and I’m not a great giver financially to charities and things. I give information and writing as freely as I can and try to give in other ways – petitions and things. I haven’t given up attempting to do good deeds. The strike does not extend that far. Yet.

War

It's nice, too, to see that almost the whole Church has effectively joined me in my strike. I wouldn’t have done so myself but they are largely refusing to pray for the people of Russia in public. But as I mentioned, I don’t really want others to join me in this lonely, austere task. And I think it’s a bit of a shame that in war time we are no longer allowed to express love for our latest Government-manufactured enemies.

 

Anyway, it seems that God isn’t bothered by my silent treatment towards him.

So he won’t mind if I continue then, will he?

 

Day 45 - Why no-one is in my thoughts and prayers

 

I’m not sure that the Almighty particularly misses the prayers of mine which used to be sarcastic. 

For example, I was always quite adept at shooting up sarky, ‘Thanks a lot, God’ arrow prayers. ‘Arrow prayers’ are quick prayers shot up to God in moments of crisis. My sarcastic ones were really quite satisfying when placed in situations in which I could literally do or say nothing. I liked the image of the arrow being shot into the sky. Hey, maybe the arrows could have hit someone, sending them spiralling out of their place of relative ease, back towards our world of mere mortals? The blood could be invisible too.

I’m still angry with God. It’s not entirely a forgiveness issue. And God is still ‘allowing’ me to be in some difficult situations.

For example, after posting my last blog link in one US Facebook group, one Christian told me that he was very sorry for the loss of my brother… “but” … I was defying God. It is not what a believer does, he said.

I was also told to repent. Again.

So, when I was annoyed (after all, my brother has just died and I’m feeling a bit... spikey), I told the guy that he was wrong and that he was playing on my deepest fears and that he shouldn’t talk to people like that.

Dale Carnegie once wrote in How to Win Friends and Influence People that the worst thing you can say to a fellow human being is to tell them they are ‘Wrong’. Carnegie said the word is like a clanging symbol in our heads. But it felt right to say it. Besides, it was true. So I said it in capitals.

Now, patient reader, there is a happy world in which the right people wonderfully win internet debates, where their critics and accusers (and the trolls of the brain) are filled with shame and in which justice is served and minds are changed and truth and love win out. Unfortunately, it is not a world I’m particularly familiar with. Maybe that is just Hollywood, or in debates written in the Bible and not real life. In real life, in the group, I was told I have a “seared conscience” and nothing more could be done for me.

In these circumstances there are three things to do aren’t there? Three whole choices – after all God had just ‘allowed’ this thing to happen, and what if it was the voice of the Almighty through this man? (And really, all this is not simply about some obscure internet scuffle). To use an adventure gamebook/interactive fiction metaphor… here are the ‘choices’ I had…

If you escalate the debate, assuring your online opponent that you would never speak to someone in grief like he has just done, using scriptures as swords like he has against you – turn to page 42

If you simply walk away from the debate… turn to page 50

If you wish to respond in one word, possibly beginning with a C, turn to page 153 and lose one Honour Point

I turned to page 50.

 

Page 50

You were lucky. Count your blessings. The others in the group are kinder than this one guy. And the argument does not escalate. You remain annoyed by the whole thing and worried that you have a seared conscience, so decide to write about this incident in your next blog (Lose one Honour Point).

To be fair, people in general have been thoughtful and understanding. It’s helpful. I’m grateful for it. Thank you. Go easy on me.

But what do you do if a strike isn’t working?

What do you do if those with the power simply do not budge or even make an attempt to carve a deal? As someone else thoughtfully said, I’m effectively ‘drinking poison’ – God isn’t harmed by my being angry with him, is he? He’s reasonably happy in his Heaven. It’s not like he is suffering beyond the emotional suffering which goes along with not being able to get what you want most of the time. It’s hardly agony for him, is it? If I affirm his emotional suffering, will he return the favour? He can do, or not do, what he wants (and don’t we know it?). Dialogue must resume at some stage, mustn’t it?

Not necessarily… not even if there is… say… an earthquake… which has been ‘allowed’ too. And I can assure you I have not prayed for those affected by that either,. It must be the seared conscience.

So, this is day 45 by my reckoning. If I have lost you in any of this, then all you basically need to remember is that I am very publicly telling anyone who asks, that I am NOT praying for them. I am very publicly telling as many people who will listen, that they do NOT have my thoughts and prayers at this time – for personal reasons.

And I still believe.

So, I’m very sorry not to be able to offer my readers sporadic prayer cover anymore – but let’s be honest – it hardly helped much in the past, did it? Or were you thriving?

As I say, giving up prayer is harder than you may think.

I’m not saying this as some freaky manipulation to try to get you to pray, or to try to get you NOT to pray along with me. To me it is all neutral now. I really am relatively independent. I will neither help or hinder anyone in this. I don’t particularly want others to join me in my lonely, austere, strike against God in which I am effectively in an uncomfortable conscious resistance against the Almighty. It might be an idea not to be in conscious resistance with your opponent. Anyway, it’s hardly an enviable position, is it? My brother has just died – I’m not a happy bunny.

I await the Almighty’s imminent capitulation to my demands or for an adequate deal to be struck. I will not (at this stage) threaten an escalation of proceedings as I’m sure that all parties know that threats lack efficacy in terms of manipulation and general respect towards an opponent. Basically, to get me to pray, the Almighty is going to have to torture me. Then I would pray… really, I would. I mean, anyone would wouldn't they? But, you see, my heart wouldn’t be in it.

Besides, society has its own manipulations, doesn’t it? And maybe torture can take a number of forms.

Any further negative incidents will result in either appropriate or inappropriate responses. Things like, say, an earthquake… or, a chronically hurting arm… or… any negative incident affecting either myself or others… I may, or may not, kick up more of a holy fuss about it, depending on certain factors…

Just one last thing before I look once more to my circumstances…

For those interested in conspiracy theories (and if you are not, why not?) – there happens to be one excessively powerful force effectively doing a jig over my latest move and my reaction to life events. And it’s not Rishi Sunak, his vile political regime, or any flesh and blood enemy I may or may not have.

Knowing now that I am unable to protect you via prayer from this person and his minions, both you and I are almost entirely exposed to his attacks and accusations. I have held them off for as long as I can. Luckily for us, not singlehandedly. I’m not talking about Putin.

I can no longer ask God to deliver you from evil.

Please believe me when I say that of all the prayers which I did once sporadically offer, this was the one prayer which was heartfelt and pure enough for you and others. If you still do not believe we have an invisible, non-flesh and blood, enemy then you will probably be fine… don’t worry about it. It’ll probably be okay. Maybe.

Anyway, what kind of jig are those negative powers doing right now? Is it a good jig? Could it get on Strictly? I bet it’s not even a half-decent jig, is it?

The devil can't dance…

Day 38 - An obscure grief observed

Since my brother died on Christmas day 2022, I have not prayed.

He died of a terminal brain tumour, much too young. I am missing him already, so much. He was my older brother and we were close.

C.S.Lewis once wrote a book called 'A Grief Observed' in which he documented his grief journey. He memorably hinted that his previous faith and words were 'a house of cards'. But Lewis made the same mistake that so many of us make. He assumed that everyone's reaction to a death would be the same as his. At least that of believers. It is known to the best counsellors that almost any reaction to loss is acceptable, or at least, understandable.

As I say, in my case, I have stopped praying. This has been going on for about 40 days now. I remain a Christian. I'm going to an online church and I'm still attempting to practice what I preach etc. But I'm deliberately not praying. This effectively means, in all conscience, that I can no longer counsel anyone, including you, to pray. I have stepped down from my role of 'actively praying Christian' and am now simply a believer who is in active, conscious disobedience to the scriptures on this issue.

I don't think people realize how hard it is to stop praying once it has become a habit. I was never a massive 'I'm gonna pray all night' kind of Christian. But I would pray, I think, pretty honestly, on occasion. So apologies, thanks, praise, grace before meals and petitions for others are all on hold for some time. Consider it a strike of a kind? Not in service.

So this is my public declaration of non-prayer. I could have done worse things.

I don't think anyone has noticed. Family have largely been grieving too and it is hard for them too. I don't think it has been noticed. It hasn't been discussed. At the funeral, when I was supposed to pray, I simply pretended to.

You may ask a very obvious question. Why have you stopped praying then? But anyone with a familiarity with my writing will know the answer. I will spell it out for you in a short dialogue:

Q. Are you actually stopping praying because you believe that God is somehow partly to blame for the death of your brother?

A. You betcha.

It's a little more nuanced and complicated than that, but that's the main reason. God is currently getting a one star review from me. But I remain a believer.

Now, for those who loyally read my ramblings, you will be aware that I think the question of suffering is irresolvable. God didn't give my brother cancer. But he allowed it. And we're back to square one. Because there was a decision from the Almighty there. The suffering question cannot be resolved and it is part of the human condition to continually want it to be resolved immediately. But, as I have said before, the brightest, most famous... greatest intellectuals, theologians, scientists, writers or psychologists have been unable to satisfactorily resolve the question. No one. Not Descartes, not Dostoyevsky, not Freud. None. Nada. Zilch of them. So neither is this obscure writer is he? 

God allowed it on Christmas day. I read in a book on grief that I am not supposed to inflict my "skewed theology" concerning blaming God for bad things in such circumstances on others. That is why I feel I am having to write with caution. It seems an unnecessary and onerous addition to add to the already heavy load of the grieving to me. It's basically like saying, 'If you are blaming God, don't put that on me or anyone else. Sort your own crap out.' Such things are not entirely words of comfort, but surely they come from a warm place, if you know what I mean.

So what of it? So what? One guy decides that to get back at God, he will stop praying. Who cares? God doesn't need prayers after all, does he? Who gives a damn?

To which I reply, 'If God feels that my prayers are entirely both unnecessary and undesirable... then he won't mind if I cease to pray will he?'

If you believe that there really is such a thing as a war with God then I can tell you for a fact that, one way or the other, Christians have always been heavily involved.

Anyway, I've set out parameters for prayer to resume. I can be bribed back into prayer by the Almighty. Perhaps he is good at bribery along with theft? Of course I have not set those parameters out via prayer, but as he is a thought reader and otherwise invader of privacy, that is not necessary is it?

So, as you can see, I'm pretty sore with the Almighty. Not wise eh? Being as he could 'allow' further bad things to happen? 

There is only one other power who I am even more angry with God than. It's not people in general. It's not the world, or the NHS. It's not even the Government or the cancer (though I’m pretty angry with them too and not unhappy to include them in one sentence).

But say, for example, that there were a power which was not simply involved in my brothers death, but which also found the whole situation - condescendingly amusing, how would a human being react? 

Q. Are you about to say you are more angry with the devil and his demons than with God? You can’t say that.

A. You betcha. And I just did.

Anyway, some of us mortals have to control our anger.

I don't know how long this will go on for. There was a pastor a few years back who publically said that he would become an atheist for a year as a kind of experiment. By the end of the year he was a full-blown atheist and ex-Christian.

I will attempt not to escalate my now silent debate with God to levels which cause any harm to fellow human beings. Hey, maybe I learned the silent treatment from him? 

I don't see why others should suffer for God's choices. Strikes and wars are resolved through dialogue aren’t they? I can still promote dialogue on earth, to resolve wars, as I’m talking with others so practicing what I preach in that. Just not dialogue with you know who.

Why Christmas day? I mean, it is a day which is supposed to be about life and birth and hope and even love. I bet the devil and his demons are still laughing at the irony of that... the violent gits.

Anyway, I'm going to have to be as independent of these massive invisible powers as possible for a season or two. I can't be dealing with them at this time.

Besides which... I simply really miss my brother, despite the much-appreciated support of family and friends.

If you do care, I’m probably still in need of goodwill or prayer, if you’re so minded. Better still, you could buy me a coffee, as so few people actually do that.

Don’t you go dying on me too.